“Vhat kind of silliness be thees, then?” said the Count as he floated into the room.
“You” [he pointed at Renfield] “Get thee back into the cellar killing and eating vermin, as is your wont and proper station in life.”
“You” [he then pointed at Sam] “are a rather pathetic excuse for a minion. Begone from my sight!”
“Now” [as he addressed Van Helsing] “With all of that idiocy now dispensed with, I believe we can finally start up our weekly game of Canasta. You can have first deal.”
Sam dropped a No. 2 lead pencil down the barrel of the .45 and shot the Count in the heart from three feet. Sam toed the pile of dust. “I never did like that son of a bitch. Treated me like shit for three hundred years. Renfield, clean this up, will you?”
Turning to van Helsing, Sam continued, “We have to see about releasing the girls downstairs. We will need a bad guy, since the real one is dust.”
“Let’s give them the gunsel.” Said van Helsing.
“Hunh?”
Van Helsing turned towards Sam, away from Renfield who continued with his sparrow snack. He mouthed slowly, “Renfield.” Van Helsing made a circular motion with his finger beside his head. “Crazy mother fucker”, he mouthed.
“That will do. Reinfeld, make the arrangements.”
Reinfeld let out an exasperated sigh “Of course, maaaaster” he sneered.
“Don’t give any of that attitude, you twit! Just get it done! I have much to discuss with the esteemed van Helsing.” After taking a deep breath to calm his ever growing rage, he then turned to van Helsing. “Now then. What are we to do about professor pamphlet and his over enthusiastic assisstant?”
“Also, lose the garlic”
“We must arrange for them to come to the rescue,” remarked Sam, “and remove Reinfield during the process.”
“Lucy!” exclaimed Monroe, “I found a letter in my mailbox!”
“That is hardly remarkable, Professor.” replied Lucy. “The postal service delivers thousands of them every day.”
“Look!” the exasperated Professor exclaimed, and handed the missive to Lucy.
“You will find the missing women confined in the basement of a house at 1809 S. Harrison, Collinsport. There is not a moment to be lost! Beware, they are held by a madman who is armed with a chainsaw and other dastardly weapons!”
“Christ on a crutch.” muttered Lucy.
“We need to get them, but this feels like a trap. Just like the…uh…incident…a few yrs ago.” Monroe said hesitantly to Lucu. “Back…uh…before I hired y-you. You never asked why there was a job opening…” he trailed off.
Lucy turned a bewildered face towards Monroe.
“WHAT?” she exclaimed.
Realizing his slip up, Monroe tried to recover by mentioning again the letter he’d received. Lucy, for her part, wasn’t having any of it. “What the hell is going on, Monroe? What haven’t you told me, you son of a bitch?”
“It may have just been low blood sugar”, mumbled Monroe, “except…the blood sugar was low because there was so little blood…left.”
Monroe’s gaze wandered away from Lucy, desperately searching for something to change topics. Picking up a nearby pamphlet, he fumbled with it a bit while fumbling with his words.
“Its just that, you know, back then, the administration, uh, you know, didn’t quite, uh, have the, uh…” he trailed off. But this time he had good reason.
There, on the back of the pamphlet, under their noses the whole time, was they key to the power to change everything forever!
“How long have we been printing this symbol on our pamphlets?” Monroe queried.
“Don’t brush me off, tell me what happened!” An incensed Lucy demanded.
“I’m not trying to…i mean I was trying to…but this is big. Bigger than you imagine! I need to consult The Tomes!” Monroe promptly got up and headed to the library, leaving a flabbergasted Lucy to untangle what just happened by herself, confused, irritated…intrigued.
“You think he’ll fall for it?” inquired VanHelsing.
“Sure!” responded Sam. “The guy’s a putz.”
In the cavernous library, Monroe went to the card catalogue to find out where the right tome was located as he had done all his life. Instead of a card catalogue, he found a brand new conputer. The only thing in the place without a layer of dusty on it.
“Where the hell is the card catalogue!” He accidentally said aloud.
“They finally updated that ancient thing. Just ripe in what you are looking for and it will tell you where to look for it” Lucy instructed.
Fumbling around with the mouse for a bit, he mumbled under his breath “damn these things. Why did they have to… oh look here!”
"No you don’t, not again. " Lucy said as she pushed him out of the way so she could close the solitaire game he just started. “How about you just tell me what we are looking for?”
“It’s complicated, Lucy, but I think it has something to do with that symbol and the cards. If I could just remember, I’m hoping the cards can help me.”
“Playing cards, symbols,” said an exasperated Lucy. “Have you gone mad? We have a murderer on the loose and you think playing cards is going to help.”
Van Helsing placed back and forth impatiently. “How long has it been? Where is this putz? It’s like he doesn’t even care that murderers are on the loose!”
It’s almost as though he decided to do Jell-O shots and we don’t matter. I’m annoyed.
“I’m looking for the Jello[sup]TM[/sup] shots, Lucy.”
“Monroe!” snapped Lucy, “wasn’t something said about rescuing someone?”
“Oh, God, the rush!” muttered Monroe.
“Christ on a crutch!” exclaimed Lucy, “did you find the nose candy?”
“I can DO ANYTHING!” Yelled monroe at nobody in general, his nose still covered in white powder. “FUCK YOU, YOU GOD DAMN BLOOD SUCKERS! YOU CAN TOUCH ME!”
Lucy realized that reminding him of the rescue at this point would be useless. She browsed the cable channels, and settled down with an episode of Wagon Train while Monroe alternately screamed and mumbled in the background. Robert Horton was hot!