Cheap jokes about Americans

Factual Questions
61

I thought the following was indicative of the way Australians joke about Americans. It was sent to me by a friend earlier today. There were other questions and answers from non-Americans, but I’ve taken them out as being off-topic:

[quote]
The questions below about Australia, are from potential visitors. They
were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you’ve been drinking.

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia?
(USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of
the Pacific which does not… oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing
is every tuesday night in Kings
Cross. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here
and we’ll send the rest of the
directions.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which
is…oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna
Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after
the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense
rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All
Australian snakes are perfectly
harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget
its name. It’s a kind of bear
and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It’s called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of
Gum trees and eat the brains of
anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying
yourself with human urine before
you go out walking.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can
you tell me where I can sell it in
Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I
dated while I was staying in Kings
Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you’ll have to learn it first

62

Not so much upset as bemused. Australians and New Zealanders have very different accents and the two countries are separated by more than 2,000 km. It’s hard to see how they could be confused.

63

And yes, you may now joke about Australians being unable to code, now.

64

And our overuse of the word “now”.

65

Umm, isn’t this part a bit irresponsible, considering SIX of the TEN deadliest snakes live in Australia? Understood that they’re being snarky, but it just takes one stupid American petting a taipan to bring on a massive lawsuit…(or is it true that other countries don’t worry as much about lawsuits as Merr’kins do?)

P.S. If I ever get to Australia, I’m definitely dropping by Kings Cross on Tuesday night. :wink:

66

America does have a reputation for being highly litigious, I used to laugh at how ridiculous it all was until the “Have you been injured at work?” adverts started popping up over here. I don’t think we have become as lawsuit happy as America yet but darn it we are having a good crack at catching up. Not sure how things are in Australia though.

67

We’ve been told on more than one occasion at university (where I’m studying law) that New South Wales is the second most litigious jurisdiction after California. I’ve not seen any hard evidence to justify this statement though - I suspect it’s all anecdotal.

68

Yes it’s irresponsible. But let’s face it, however much it cost if such a lawsuit arose, the chuckles we’d get out of an American who actually believed the above and petted a taipan would be worth it. :wink:

69

Indeed. If I had a mind to, I could go to York, Poland, Paris, Berlin, Dover, Manchester, Nottingham, Plymouth, Lebanon, Portsmouth, Chelmsford, Leicester, Athens, Swansea, Newbury, Newport, Braintree, Belfast, Cambridge, Ipswich, Naples, Exeter, Dublin etc by merely going through my own state and the states bordering it north and south.

Apparently, after you run out of nifty names like “Unity”, “Freedom” and “Orange,” and run through all the interesting sounding Native American words, you borrow from the familiar names back home :smiley:

70

Ahh, yes, but do you have villages named “Nasty” or “Pratt’s Bottom”?

Only the frickin’ Poms, I tell you.

71

We’ve got Blue Ball and Intercourse. Both in Pennsylvania.

72

Call a unReconstructed Deep Southener a “Yank”, and you’ll see who gets to pick the nicknames… :stuck_out_tongue:

73

The accents aren’t that different at all. I was in Australia for many years before I could tell a NZ accent from an Australian one. Similarly I still can’t pick a Canadian accent from an American one. They sound exactly the same to me.

74

I wish I could remember where I first heard this:

To people outside the U.S., a Yankee is an American.

To people in the southern states, a Yankee is a northerner.

To people in the north, a Yankee is someone from New England.

To New Englanders, a Yankee is someone from Vermont.

To Vermonters, a Yankee is someone who eats pie for breakfast.

75

Assuming said Southerner is not in a position to physically enforce his likes and dislikes on others, being annoyed about the nickname one is “awarded” is, in Australia, a gauranteed way to ensure the nickname is used religiously from that point forward.

76

Has noone pulled out irony yet?
e.g.

77

Excellent - although I’m not sure it demonstrates what you intended it to… :wink:

78

Wow, all these years and I never knew I went to school in Australia. :eek:

–the artist formerly known as “Knobby”.

79

You forgot Climax (north of Blue Balls, just go straight through Intercourse).

80

And beyond that, it started out British as a name for ALL Americans…so I’d say y’all have dibs.