Cheating: would a proactive confession differ at all from seeking forgiveness after being caught?

[Asimovian]

@mhendo

Absolutely.

Admittedly, when it has come up in conversation, it’s usually been in the abstract, rather than a specific discussion about what WE would do. Both of us are very clear that cheating is wrong, and that we wouldn’t do it. But both of us also agree, as a general proposition, that if you’ve done it once, in the past, and have no intention of doing it again, you should keep your damn mouth shut, for everybody’s sake.

I appreciate the response.

I suppose that, like most things in marriage, if both parties in the marriage have an understanding about such things, then it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks.

[joyfool]

@PandaBear77

Agreed. Doing it is bad enough. Doing it and then confessing to relieve your own guilt is even worse … and ultimately that’s the only reason TO ever confess.

No, it’s really not. Letting your partner decide if they want to remain in a relationship with a liar who has betrayed their trust, exposed them to diseases (and possible violence) without their consent, and has absolutely no way of proving that they won’t stray again (I mean, those marriage vows must’ve taken a back seat in the first place, right?), is only the right thing to do. And if anyone thinks that telling to assuage your guilt in any way mitigates the fallout, distrust, irreparable damage to your relationship, I’d say it’s naive at best. The trade off is about 1 to 1,000. Plus, the guilt never, ever goes away anyway.

[DigitalC]

@PunditLisa

My SIL (I’ll call her Roberta) heard the truth and chose to stay. And then I watched her transform from a loving, giddy bride-to-be into a depressed and bitter wife almost overnight. Before he cheated with Sarah, Roberta didn’t feel at all threatened by his ex. But afterward, Roberta became obsessed with her. It was so unhealthy that it got to the point where no one called her anymore, because all we’d hear about was what a fucking cunt Sarah was. Roberta was an emotional wreck for years, and not only did she suffer, but their kids suffered by extension.

In my heart, I believe she’d have been far happier had he not confessed.

Giving someone the freedom to make their own choices doesn’t always mean they will make the right one. She should have obviously moved on if it she was not able to get over it. The only mistakes here are 1: the cheating and 2: her decision to stay when the marriage was obviously done for.

[TokyoBayer]

@C_K_Dexter_Haven

There’s cheating and there’s cheating. My wife and I have been married for over 40 years, and if she told me she had a one-night stand umpty-years ago, she regretted it and has hated having to hide it from me: well, yes, I’d be hurt, but she’s human and i think I’d shrug it off.

If she told me that she had been having sex with the same guy for eight months, several years ago, I’d be very hurt, and it would be harder to shrug off. No, I wouldn’t end the marriage on account of it, but it would certainly mean the relationship was different.

If I came home early and found her in bed with some guy, so she confessed because she was caught, I don’t know how I’d react. But it would be far, far worse. In the prior scenarios, she may have had a fling, but she came back to me and didn’t want to end the marriage. In the caught-in-the-act scenario, I don’t know whether she’d want the marriage to continue and I wouldn’t be able to trust her answer. And I don’t know whether I’d want ditto.

This is a really good, nuanced answer. A number of advice columnists such as Carolyn Hax of the Washington Post have said something similar to this.

I think that there is a big difference between a one-time screwup (no pun intended) years ago, in which the person has realized how badly they acted and have taken steps to solve the problem. Speaking of which:

@Tom_Tildrum

On the other hand, I suppose there may be instances where the cheater can figure things out on his or her own and re-commit to the marriage without bringing the other person in, and confession may not be necessary. Perhaps, “I freaked out and had a fling when I learned we were having a child, but now that the baby is here, I realize how much I love my family, and I’m grounded again.” Maybe. And yes, the cheater is taking the chance on it being revealed later; at that point, the obligation is not just to explain what happened but also to explain why he or she didn’t confess. As long as the cheater can legitimately say that he or she withheld confession in good faith, that’s the best one can do at that point.

And continuing from the same post:

If the cheater wants to confess just to get the burden off his or her chest, without wanting to work on the marriage, that I think is selfish.

For Tom’s first point, I partially agree, but I also think that the person needs to look at why they choice an affair as the outlet for acting out. Why was the decision to have an affair rather than some more productive avenue? I think this must be asked and answered in order to prevent the same thing from happening again. Yes, the person may not have another affair when his wife is pregnant again, but will he have one if work gets super stressed?

I completely agree with the second point, that it’s unfair to dump your guilt on your partner without owning it. The worst are people who say they’ve had an affair, but it’s all behind them and they aren’t going to talk about it.

@Sauron

Wait, you mean you women expect TOTAL honesty in a marriage? Is nothing sacred?

I don’t want to single you out for this, but how does one post from from women get generalized to all women, as in “you women?”

How is this not just the opinion of one person, who happens to have two XX chromosomes?

[wonky]

@TokyoBayer

I don’t want to single you out for this, but how does one post from from women get generalized to all women, as in “you women?”

How is this not just the opinion of one person, who happens to have two XX chromosomes?

Because it was a joke.

[Nava]

Haven’t read the rest of the thread.

The first one, I’d be willing to talk. OK, there has been something very fucked up, let’s try and fix it. Depending on what the circumstances were, I might even not give much of a damn (I’m simply not the jealous type).

The second one is only sorry he got caught. Since we’re married, I’m getting the house, the car and the dog; he’s getting the fleas and the veterinary bills.

[TruCelt]

@PunditLisa

My SIL (I’ll call her Roberta) heard the truth and chose to stay. And then I watched her transform from a loving, giddy bride-to-be into a depressed and bitter wife almost overnight. Before he cheated with Sarah, Roberta didn’t feel at all threatened by his ex. But afterward, Roberta became obsessed with her. It was so unhealthy that it got to the point where no one called her anymore, because all we’d hear about was what a fucking cunt Sarah was. Roberta was an emotional wreck for years, and not only did she suffer, but their kids suffered by extension.

In my heart, I believe she’d have been far happier had he not confessed.

So, I’m not coming at it from the angle of the cheater. I’m looking at it from the POV of the hurt spouse. I don’t personally know anyone whose life was made better for the knowing. And if it’s only going to inflict more pain, isn’t it kinder to spare them that knowledge?

I mean, to me, it’s akin to hearing that your son has been killed. Is it okay to withhold the fact that he was beheaded during the accident? Is truth something to be sought no matter what the emotional cost?

I can’t help thinking that this aspect of his personality would have come out eventually in another way. And her willingness to capitulate with him while assigning blame elsewhere and venting her anger in another direction would also have manifested at that time.

We can’t know for certain, of course, but it’s been my experience that my dysfunctional acquaintances will manage to create the same dysfunctional situations again and again no matter who they date.

Although I agree with Digital C that her smartest move would clearly have been to call off the wedding, she’s obviously faced multiple decision points since then nd has chosen the dysfunction in multiple ways. That show sa certain dedication to drama.

[wonky]

@DigitalC

Giving someone the freedom to make their own choices doesn’t always mean they will make the right one.

Yep. If we only allow people to make decisions if they are going to make the ones we want them to make, we’re not allowing them to make decisions at all.