All these recent threads about cheating got me to thinking…
Say you have cheated…you ended it…you hate that it happened and are sorry for it.
Do you confess to your s/o, try to work it out and put it behind you OR do you live with what you did and never tell to save them from being hurt?
You are not saving them from being hurt. You are saving yourself from being hurt.
[/nitpick]
Oh hell no - LIVE WITH IT! You did it, that is your retribution. You are going to clear your conscience by hurting them? That isn’t fair to them. You should carry that guilt and burden and spare them. I think I would want it that way if I were on either side of the situation.
You need to tell.
You did this for a reason. Most likely something in your relationship is driving you to do this. If you keep this to yourself chances are what ever it is that’s wrong will never be fixed.
I think it depends - would the news come out from someone else? Has your SO been suspicious? If so, tell. It’s better that the news comes from you. If it was a long time ago, it’s over, SO hasn’t acted suspicious, and there’s not a chance (you think) that someone could tell your SO, don’t. You’re creating wounds unnecessarily; suck it up, get some counseling to fix what’s wrong with you (whether you do tell or not), and treat your SO better.
While I was dating a boyfriend, I cheated on him a few times (with the same person), then stopped. I felt bad about what I had done but kept it to myself and was a good girlfriend after that. The guy I had been cheating with felt the need to “clear his conscience” or something (as he was dating at the time too) and was going to tell his girlfriend. So, I confessed to my boyfriend. He was hurt but took it well, and forgave me. We’re married now (have been seeing each other for over 10 years), and I treasure his kind heart and love very deeply. The only problem with it is that this guy I’d cheated with used to be a mutual friend/acquaintance of ours, and so whenever my husband mentions his name in reference to other friends and what they’re up to, I cringe slightly. I know he’s not doing it to be cruel, as he’s just updating me with news given via other friends, about what that old group of friends is doing.
I advised a friend of mine not to tell. His conscience was eating him up though and so he confessed. Consequently his girlfriend kicked him out and that was a few weeks after they moved in together. Oh well.
We’ve hashed, rehashed, and re-rehashed this a million ways from Sunday.
Tell. Your SO deserves to know the truth so that they can make an informed decision about the relationship. It reallys isn’t that hard a concept to grasp, folks.
I’ve asked this question here once before-
http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=175583
In my opinion, if I were cheated on, I think I’d rather NOT know about it. I think many would agree with this.
So, by the Golden Rule, it’s probably better not to tell. You’re doing them a favor by not telling them.
Well maybe you could examine the reasons you had for doing it and tell them that and go from there if you really want to fix it. ut I still think you are just causing that person additional pain.
DO NOT TELL! I agree with everyone who is saying that you should just live with it yourself. I personally think that by telling, or fessing up, you are just trying to make yourself feel better.
LIVE WITH IT!!!
Don’t tell. Don’t ever cheat again, but do not tell your SO. It’s been said above, and I agree that you only tell to make yourself feel better. It’ll make your SO feel worse. Live with it, deal with it, but do it on your own.
Don’t tell. It’ll only make it worse. Trust me, I know.
I personally would want to know, no matter how painful. The SO may have had unprotected sex and would be endangering my life by not being honest.
Cheating is a sign that something is wrong in the relationship. I would not want to be with someone that was not happy being with me.
IMHO, the “wronged” party needs to know. Not to make the guilty party feel better, but so that the issues that caused the cheating in the first place can be dealt with by the partnership.
Yes, it will hurt the person to know. But secrets swept under the rug hurt more in the long run. The person who was wronged has a right to be a party to “fixing” what went wrong.
The person who was wronged did have some input into what caused the problem in the first place, ( That is NOT equivalent to assigning blame to the wronged party), therefore it’s crucial that they have input into the repair to the relationship that needs to take place.
If the relationship is already beyond repair, and is breaking up anyway, then I agree, there’s no need to tell the other person.
Other posters bring up another excellent point, and that is the health issue. If you had unprotected sex, the partner has every right to know.
If she cheats… and doesn’t tell… and I get an STD…
I’m freaking sueing eveyone that ever knew about it ever.
You cheat, you go… end of story, no second chance, see ya later.
If I really want to cheat, I’m done, I leave, then I tell her why.
People, freaking be honest with yourself and others.
If you start feeling that need, either do something for fix the
relationship or be single for a little while longer.
Be an adult for crying out loud.
Don’t tell. I’ve been married for seven years and have cheated a few times. It’ll only hurt your partner. Live with it and either enjoy or refrain…If you must cheat, join a swingers club…
Tell. Always.
Your partner, the cheated one, deserves to have the information and make their own choices. You lost the right to “decide what’s best” when you cheated. Your partner now has decisions to make, and those are your consequences, not some “guilty conscience”.
YMMV, of course 
[Robert Shaw in The Sting]
Not only are ya a cheat, but yer a gutless cheat as well.
[/Robert Shaw in The Sting]
I’m gonna second what BytopianDream said. If my SO cheated and didn’t tell me (and don’t pretend you can keep it a secret forever. sooner or later, everything come out), my blow-up will be much worse.
Screw yer guilty conscience, fess up and take your lumps! Show some integrity!!!
I find it interresting. In many cases in these threads, the people who have cheated say ‘Don’t tell’, and the people who have been cheated on say ‘tell’. (I’m not saying -all- cases, just many). Me, I’m one for honesty. I’ve recently learned that no matter how much you want to hide something from your past, it’s always got a chance of showing up, and it’s better that your SO hear it from you rather than not only hearing it second-hand, but realizing that you were hiding something from him / her.
I told when I cheated. She thought it was funny. Of course she thought lots about me was funny. I don’t think she thought it was funny when I left. I for one like honesty, of which the ex-wife was not. If you’re gonna lie at least learn how to do it.