I cheated, I told, I paid the consequences. What kind of relationship do you have if you can’t be honest with the other person? No much of a relationship.
I think honesty is a greatly overrated virtue: the question is which will hurt the wronged party more? My suspicion is that if the affair really will remain secret, there are few compelling reasons to tell. Even in most intimate of relationships, there are aspects of one another that we do not need to know, and are better off not knowing. I think it’s more grown-up to accept that, than try to adhere to an extreme sort of fusion of identity - which seems to lurk behind the exhortations to honesty.
And another thought: if the relationship really isn’t in jeopardy, is it honest to relate facts that would show otherwise? I don’t think so. Honesty isn’t merely a questin of fact, but of how those facts will be interpreted.
I agree with OxyMoron.
What’s so special about honesty? Would it really be a good idea for someone to be 100% honest with their partner, all of the time??
*“I’m not nearly as attracted to you now as I was when I first got into this relationship.”
“When we’re having sex, I fantasize that you’re somebody else.”
“I’d rather sleep with your sister.”*
Well, if you cheated and then you lied…
::looking::
::looking::
I’m not seeing the love there.
::still looking::
Nope. No love there. Only selfishness.
YMMV.
Another person checking in who cheated and told.
Glad I did. Things have gotten nothing but better since.
Exactly. Perhaps this is a rationalization, but it is at least fair.
It’s treating your significant other the same way you’d wish to be treated if the shoe was on the other foot.
If you’re the easy-going, devil-may-care or head-in-the-sand type and wouldn’t want to hear such information, don’t divulge such information.
If you’re the serious, let’s-analyze-why-this-happened or jealous type and would want to know, it would be your duty to confess.
Notwithstanding other factors (such as affects on children, sexual incapacition of the scorned lover, incarceration, et al.)
The compelling reasons to tell seem to be
a) Medical (STD and such)
b) Conscience (and coming clean) [ …ok that was NOT a pun]
c) SOs right to information regarding your activities
d) Risk of third party exposure
e) Doing the right thing (nobility and not being selfish)
f) Risk of making things worse later
g) Air out the reasons for the affair
h) misc
With that I would state my opinion is not to tell under these conditions
- you cheated, you ended it, you hate that it happened and you are sorry for it.
- It was a one time thing and you dont do this repeatedly.
- Your SO has expressed (not hinted or implied) that he would rather not know.
- You cannot be forced to reveal the affair by anyone. No evidence. no willing witnesses.
No harm no foul.
and no, I have never cheated on my SO.
The problem with not telling is that you’re making a decision for your partner. Your partner may not want to be in a relationship with someone who broke their promise of monogamy, and it’s their right to make that decision, not yours. If you truly love them, you should respect them enough to let them make an informed choice about who they want to have a relationship with.
I also think it’s false to talk about only wanting to spare them pain. Their pain isn’t caused by you telling them, it’s caused by you having cheated in the first place. You may wish you were still the same person you were before you cheated but you’re not. If your SO thinks you are, you’re no longer sharing yourself with them, you’re sharing an invented self. You will never be able to be truly open and honest with them, for fear that you’ll blurt out your secret. How is that worth it?
I say confess your mistakes, and hope that they are willing and able to love you in spite of them. If they aren’t, learn from the experience and move on.
My point exactly, Giraffe. You’re witholding information from them that they need to make an informed decision about a relationship THAT THEY"RE AND EQUAL PART OF.
I gotta stress again that keeping something like that a secret is folly. Everything comes out in the end. Hey, maybe you can keep your mouth shut. Unless the person you cheated with died, there’s no reason for him or her to keep their mouth shut.
And all the time that you keep quiet, there’ll be that little something that stands between you and your SO.
*…and the Truth shal set ye Free! *
poppycock.
Everyone is assuming that the S.O. will make an informed rational decision about the affair. The truth is they will not. They will make an emotional decision based on their perceptions of what happened. They will not listen to the details or the explainantions. They will not hear it. They will have judged you guilty of breech of trust and that immediately precludes any exchange of information because they will not or cannot accept the veracity of what you will have to say.
If details of the affair are cleaned up, there are no more reasons for having any kind of affair again then keep your secret. Compensate for the affair by making it up to your SO. deal with the problems that led to the affair, love them more, have a fresh perspective and appreciate them better, learn from the affair and make your true relationship the better for it.
If you are exposed, then dont deny it or try to hide it anymore. Tell them what they want to know and take your punishment. At least you had a bit of time in between to make up for it. If they dont believe you now, they wouldnt have believed you then. Tell them the reason you kept it from them. If they are rational, they may accept it. If not, came away with some time you never wouldve had before.
IMHO, the lie of hiding the affair is not more grievous than the affair itself. It would not be rational for me to forgive the affair and not forgive the lie. I may actually understand (and forgive) the lie but not not forgive the affair. Given time and the attitude my SO exhibits, I could very well forgive both.
It doesn’t matter if you think your SO’s decision is appropriately informed or rational. Cheating is a breech of trust – depending on your SO, that may end the relationship. Why should you expect the right to a fair trial, or a way to talk your way out of it? You are the one who broke your word, and they should have the sole right to decide whether to stay with you or not.
Knowing they’ll freak out and immediately want to dump you isn’t a good reason not to tell, it’s a good reason not to cheat.
I might agree if you were having multiple affairs over a period of time. This is a symptom of something that may require termination of a relationship, at which case the SO definitely has to be in the loop.
However, I was speaking specifically to the OP. an affair, a mistake, presumably a one time thing. If you learn from it, then you mend the breech of trust on your own. If you dont, you will do it again and it comes to the point in my previous paragraph.
Giraffe said it best. Go, Giraffe!
As it turns out, I pretty much agree with this, except for the mending of the breech of trust on your own part. A one-time mistake is very different from a prolonged affair or repeated infidelities. If Mrs. Giraffe were to confess to such a thing, I’d like to think I could get past it and forgive her. But I think that’s a decision that the person who was cheated on should be allowed to make for themselves.
Suck it up, be an adult, and admit it, unless your partner has specifically and explicitly told you he or she doesn’t want to know. Not hinted, or implied, or given you the impression, but actually said the words “I don’t want to know.”
Yes, it would hurt to know my husband cheated on me. It’s the infidelity that would hurt me, though, not him telling me. And if I found out later, or from someone else, I’d be even more hurt that he’d been lying to me. A lie of omission, yes, but a lie nonetheless. We’re not even talking about a little white lie, like telling me my new hairdo is very nice when secretly he hates it, or denying that my dogs drive him crazy. We’re talking about a fundamental, central part of our relationship.
Let’s not sugar-coat it here, not telling isn’t about saving your partner from pain. It’s about saving yourself from having to deal with the fallout. Yes, it might mean the end of the relationship, but you knew that when you took your pants off, so you were clearly willing to pay that price. Yes, it will hurt your partner to know, but if your weren’t willing to hurt that person, you wouldn’t have cheated.
All this “fix the problems in the relationship all by yourself” stuff is crap. Life doesn’t work that way, and relationships don’t work that way. Problems in a relationship are never caused by just one person, and they can’t be fixed by just one person. “Make it up to her”? Oh, please. If your behavior suddenly changes, people will immediately wonder what the hell you’re up to, and your partner is no exception.
I don’t buy the argument that hiding it at least buys you time in the relationship you wouldn’t have had otherwise, either. If that extra time is full of lies and deceit, how enjoyable can that time be for either of you? If I found that someone had not only broken a promise to me (by cheating) and LIED about it, but that by doing so they’d cheated me out of the opportunity to be in an honest relationship during that time frame, I’d go nuclear. Have-his-balls-in-egg-cups-for-the-dog’s-breakfast nuclear.
"Let’s not sugar-coat it here, not telling isn’t about saving your partner from pain. It’s about saving yourself from having to deal with the fallout. "
Amen.
The last time this came up, one of the posters actually had the balls to say “I’d want to protect my SO from the truth.” As another poster said, “No, you’re not protecting them from the truth. You’re protecting your ass.”
Jesus Christ, people. If you can’t behave like an adult and be honest with someone you supposedly love, don’t get in a serious relationship.
Having come dangerously close to - well, it’s not an affair, since our relationship is open, but to breaking our rules, which would be the equivalent - quite recently:
Not only would I tell him, I would almost certainly tell him before it happened and give him a chance to talk me out of it.
I might break our rules, but I will never lie to him. That honesty is far more important to us then physical fidelity. (Not that breaking the rules would be at all a trivial thing - he’s badly enough shaken that I tried to renegotiate one.)
If he were in a similar situation (highly unlikely, given his circumstances, but it could happen), I would also want and expect to be told.
I’m gonna have to take you to task, here.
Cheating is not a mistake. Saying “I made a mistake” is one of the lamest all time lines. It was a decision, a choice. That it didn’t turn out the way you thought (not YOU, X_Slayer, but the generic you) it would, or that you regret it later, doesn’t change that.
well spooje some decisions and choices carefully made and thought out turn out to be mistakes.
the thought of “you never know the real value of something until you’ve lost it” comes to mind. Some decisions are done alone and without regard or involvemnt from the SO. Think of it as an emotional retreat. Mistakes made there are realized and made up for. The point that must be made is that the mistake is the motivating force to make your relationship better. These are exacting criteria that must be fullfilled or I go by most peoples advice here to confess the breech.
What I also want to emphasize is that the SO, whose trust has been broken, should also be forgiving. As I said, personally I would rather not know, but had I found out, I would wait and see what comes out of it. If she says nothing to me and my relationship flourishes, I remain quiet. If it gets worse I will confront her with it.