Why?
Why should I forgive someone for deliberately hurting me? I mean, it’s not like you can just be walking down the street fully clothed, minding your own business, and trip and land dick-first in some other woman. We’re not talking about an accident; we’re talking about a conscious, deliberate choice to hurt and betray someone. If that someone can find it in his or her heart to forgive that hurt and betrayal, bully for them. If they can’t forgive it, I can’t say that I blame them in the least.
Why?
…because they might not have done it specifically to hurt you but to stop their own pain?
…because your realtionship should be stronger than a singular breach of trust?
…because things are getting better because of it?
…because it took you years to develop a complex and meaningful relationship and a moment of time is not worth throwing all of it away especially if they have learned from their error and are truthfully sorry?
…because neither one of you are perfect?
…because you love them…?
While I won’t know until I’m in that situation, I think I would forgive my husband if he cheated on me and confessed. I could forgive one solitary incident, I think.
What I couldn’t forgive would be finding out a year later.
Why ? In the first case, my partner has betrayed me once and I believe in second chances (though if he cheated ever again, revenge would be mine).
In the second case, he not only has betrayed me that one time, but then by lying, or hiding the betrayal, which he knows would be an issue with me, he has lied to me and betrayed me every single day since. Every morning we woke up together and kissed, every night we made love, every time we hugged, etc, all becomes a lie. I am no longer in the honest relationship I wish to be in, I’m in a marriage of lies.
YMMV, but to me, one is a once-off huge screw-up that I’m prepared to try and get through. The other is constant, continuing, pre-meditated betrayal. Huge difference. Your second chance was blown on day two when I wasn’t told about the betrayal.
I dont fully understand the continuing betrayal. The real betrayal of trust is the affair itself. It is the intimate connection with another that was promised to just you. The ommision of a confession when he is fully commited to compensation is truthful. In a previous post I recommended a full confession if exposed. I never really advocated falsifying anything to cover up the affair.
It is not a falsehood to move on after a mistake. The relationship is still honest if he does not have another affair. I’m sure everyone has done something or another to their SO that they were truly sorry for and whether of not they told (all of) the details was not the real issue. It always came down to “so long as you dont do that again, its alright…” The confession, to me is just an acknowledgement of “sin” and restitution is made. If the acknowledgement and restitution is sincere, then the lack of the confession is not imperative. Salvation of the realtionship is.
Okay, here’s a thought. Your SO doesn’t tell you, and you find out about it another way. You bring this up and SO says, “Yes, it was a mistake, it’ll never happen again.” Maybe you forgive, maybe you don’t. But I’ll tell you, something that’s gonna be on your mind… Your SO didn’t tell you about it. Maybe they’re not telling you about other ‘mistakes’ as well (affairs, or even other things).
I would tell and I’d expect to be told. There is something incredibly evil to me about having to be told by someone else b/c your SO hasn’t told you.
Tell them so that they can kick you to the curb and be done with it. It’s what you deserve for betraying their trust.
I did not even read the OP, because I never tell anything, ever, about any subject.
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Tell.
Admitting your guilt will allow you to face it squarely, it will allow you not to commit it again.
If you don’t tell, you’re just compounding your own wrongdoing.
So…if my husband is worried and stressed about something and hauls off and punches me to relieve his own pain, I should stick around and give him a chance to do it again? I mean, he’s SORRY, and it’ll never happen again, and we’ve got so much time and effort in this relationship, and things’ll be better now, and I’m not perfect either, and I luuurrrve him.
Fat chance, bub.
There are some instances, like when you get caught stealing from your employer, that you’re out after one strike. Fool me once, and all that jazz. Other people may be willing to give you another chance, but I figure if you couldn’t keep the promises you’d already made there’s no reason to think you’ll keep the ones you’re making now.
I would like to be told.
However. I don’t know if I would tell, because I’m simply not the cheating kind, so that never crossed my mind.
A person who cheats has fundamentally, selfishly and totally betrayed his/her partner. That person don’t deserve the partner, but the partner deserves the truth.
I’ve never been cheated on, nor am I the kind of selfish, hateful person who would cheat on someone – I’d have the decency to break up first. But I would want to know. I would then break it off with the person and never speak to them again. Because they wouldn’t deserve me anymore.
As well they should. Some worthless piece of merde has just betrayed them. The betrayer is lucky if he/she isn’t flayed alive and left for dead. But they must tell. They’re already scum for cheating, but doubly so if they are selfish and hide it to pretect themselves.
But the cheater has breeched the trust, the foundation, of the relationship. And they deserve to be horribly punished for that, the least of which is being broken up with.
You mean bit of time to have eaten your cake and had it, too. This is total selfishness. The person betrayed desrves to be told. The victim deserves to be told.
So what youre saying spectrum is that any person who has ever cheated on their SO may as well just up and leave the relationship because there will be no hope of ever thinking this thru, making ammends and make restitution for a one time mistake. You will love, honor, cherish your SO for better or worse, in sickness and in heath, in good times and in bad until death do you part …or until they screw up that one and only time.
…nice. Got an automatic annulment clause in that marriage contract too?
I suppose that what you and CrazyCatLady are saying is perfectly valid. These are all just our opinions and neither is better or worse suited for every person. I am merely putting up the idea that a relationship should be strong enuf to weather one hit or one strike. Bless the people who never have to take that one strike but if all it takes is one strike to end the relationship then I think its quite fitting and the right thing to end it.
I’ve learned in life…just say no to cheating.
(in the past my guilt made me admit…ruined the relationship…and so I learned…never be selfish and cheat again) end of that chapter. 
I’m only saying what I would do. Others may judge by a different standard. Though I’d argue that those who stand by a boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse/whatever who cheats on them deserve to be cheated on.
What is to think through here? They betrayed me. They victimized me. They took everything we had and balled it up and threw it away for a few moments of carnal whatever. They are scum. They are out of my life.
I can never be married. But regardless, they would be the one who didn’t love, honor, cherish, etc, me by cheating. They chose to sleep around, and in doing so, they chose to betray me, to throw me aside, and they don’t deserve me.
Again, can’t marry. But if I were, it’d be understood well before hand that if my wife were ever to cheat, she would no longer be my wife. That should be utterly, completely obvious. Cheaters are filth. They take the love you give them, turn into something evil and betray you with it. They cannot be trusted, they do not love you. To hell with them. Anyone who cheats on me doesn’t deserve me, and will not have me.
The same goes for anyone else who betrays my trust.
That’s not a hit, that’s a nuclear blast that eradicates any and all traces of what was there before.
Hey, anybody is free to forgive anything.
But nobody has a right to, nor should they automatically expect forgiveness. Even if forgiveness is an option, there should be a fair amount of contrition first.
spectrum, my beliefs exactly!