I thought that, like what Tinkebell uses, the stuff inside a candy Pixie Stick would make me fly. I saved one up for a long, long time, trying to decide how best to use it. I was old enough to think that if something like that worked, I probably would have seen people doing it, but I still held out hope.
I had some book about the US federal government. It was very informative. There was an offer in the back where you could sign up to be a part of a special government fan club. You’d get all sorts of cool stuff live badges and hats and certificates. It was very cool. It had all sorts of membership levels, adult, child, family, etc. I sent in my $2 for a child’s membership.
Just sending in the membership application made me feel like I was part of a very exclusive club. Yes, I was better than everyone else. I was part of the special government fan club and you weren’t. Neener neener neener!
Six to eight weeks later I got my $2 back, with a form letter that said they no longer had the single child’s membership as an option.
That was the beginning of my “fuck you right back, government” attitude that I hold til this day.
I sent something like $1 and a few proof of purchases for a “Quik” brand bunny mug. I figured it would arrive in a few days. I eagerly checked the mailbox every day, for months. After about 6 months I gave up checking. Finally a full year later it finally arrived. It wasn’t too bad at least, plastic but had a molded bunny face and the ears were handles.
I don’t remember the brand- Fisher Price, maybe?- record players for kids. My brother and I were so excited when we got one, and it never ever worked. We would have 2 or 3 of them as kids, and none of them ever worked. How disappointing.
Girl scout camp was a crushing disappointment. Imagined guitars, marshmallows, campfires, innocent girlish hi-jinks. Was a grim, cheerless ordeal. We had a practise camp in the back garden of the troop leader, who was a miserable soft-voiced bitch, like Meryl Streep in the Devil Wears Prada. I was trying to peel giant potatoes with a blunt knife. Got fed up and hid the spuds by putting them in her fish pond, and then worried for months that she’d found out. She crept round late at night, whispering sinister threats through the canvas. ‘If you don’t be quiet girls, I’ll call your parents, and *just think *what they’ll do…’ Doesn’t sound like much but in her soft icy voice in the dark - terrifying.
He was $2.99. I had my money saved up but I had to wait almost another week until we actually went to Wal-Mart. The day finally came and I kept begging my mom to head over to the toys and she made me wait until the end of the shopping before we went over. Then we did and there he was in all his Scootery glory and he was mine for only $2.99. I ran over and grabbed him and put him in the cart. Then my mom told me I didn’t have enough money. Fuck that. I knew how to add and subtract and that $3.00 was more than $2.99 and shut up you crazy bitch. Then she shattered my world and told me about taxes. Fuck you government stealing my money. But my mom was nice and she let me borrow against my future allowance which was only a couple of days away. So she took the time to explain to me about loans. (She worked in a bank.) And on that glorious day Scooter was mine.
So on that day I learned I would forever be forced to hand over my hard earned money to the government because some asshole wants to drive on a road or some bullshit.