I’M COMBING MY HAIR!!!
As I kid by brother and I bought something together. He didn’t have the money so I agreed to let him pay later. When later came he denied that he had agreed to buy it, and wouldn’t give me the money.
A while later I just took the money from his money box. It was £1. He noticed it was missing and went complaining to my dad. My dad told him “No one in this house is a theif. You must have lost it.” I felt pretty guilty.
Last year when I was 17 my then friend/now boyfriend were becoming closer and closer. We always ended up talking for ages. Well after a trip to the pub I ended up at his until 6am. Whoops. So he walked me home.
I got in. Went upstairs. I had just gotten upstairs when my Dad came out of the bathroom.
“Morning Gemma!” was the only comment I got.
He didn’t have a clue! He thought I’d come back at a resonable hour. So I changed my clothes and went to school.
Another lie came out of my then friend/now boyfriend late night talks. One time I left his at 3.
HOWEVER, his mum thought she heard the door go just before he left for school. And she knew I’d been there the night before, so she thought I’d spent the night. So thinking on his feet, he told his mum I couldn’t have spent the night because I was gay.
It made for an interesting conversation when we did become a couple.
Rudolph’s Nose! Aah, a classic tale of Crayons’s shenanigans.
Back in the days kindergarten, I had enjoyed the Christmas holidays. One of my mom’s co-workers had given her a gift basket of fancy toiletries. Nice soaps, bubble bath, and those translucent coloured bath beads – you know the ones, they are about 3/4 of an inch in diameter, translucent, blue, green, or red, and full of fragrant oil. They dissolve gradually in the bath.
I thouth they were pretty. Kind of like marbles. In particular the red ones. Which, being Chirstmas and all, looked remarkably like Rudolph’s nose!
So I brought one to school, and told my kindergarten classmates that it truly WAS Rudolph’s nose. I was an instant celebrity!
Except one really young kid who looked positively horrified! His eyes welled up with tears, his bottom lip started to quiver… “Rudolph lost his nose?..” sniff
Definitely not the effect I had intended. But, being a quick-thinking little schemer, I rolled my eyes and looked at him as if he was a complete idiot and said emphatically: “Why of course he lost his nose! Every year he loses his nose and grows a new one!.. Didn’t you know?”
This worked. The kid stopped crying, and I went back to enjoying my celebrity status as The Lucky Finder of Rudolph’s Nose.
Then karma bit me in the ass!
I had no pockets and had to carry the damn thing in my sweaty paws all day and it was slowly starting to disintegrate and become quite fragile. While running around in the gym, I tripped, fell, and the bath bead burst spraying me in the mouth with the vile-tasting perfumed oil.
Technically, I got away with it though, because no one else knew about the karmic retribution.
Really. Thermometers to lightbulbs?
Amateurs.
What you do is rub the thermometer back and forth on the blanket, careful to keep the bulb turning. That way it’s warm all the way round. More rubbing - higher temperature. So about 6-8 fast swipes would get me about 100° fever.
Oh, and a good size tumbler of water dumped from about 24 inches into the toilet + locked bathroom door = perfect vomit sound. Be sure to point out to concerned mom that you brushed your teeth to get the taste out of your mouth.
And never underestimate the ability to cry on cue. Real tears and a trembly chin gets far more done than wailing and sobbing.
Big lies I could never get away with, but the small things like avoiding punishment or school, I was an expert.
When I was about twelve, my younger sister and I were responsible for doing the dishes at night. I hated washing dishes, so whenever it came to my turn to wash, I would simply say that I had to use the bathroom and that I would be right back. My dad would let me go upstairs everytime. I would stay in my bedroom for a very long while, until my dad would call me back down. By that time my sister would already have the majority of the dishes done and I was happy.
I would also pick a fight with my sister everytime, or nag her into yelling at me, at which time my mom would send me to my room. Again, I got out of doing the dishes. I always thought is was interesting that my mother always sent me to my room instead of punishing me more and making me do the dishes by myself.
when I was about 4 I set a display at a grocery store on fire. Never told anyone it was me.
When I was in high school, my best friend and I used to sneak out of her bedroom window in the middle of the night and meet our boyfriends at the end of her driveway.
This activity was always accompanied by much giggling and “shhhh”-ing as we climbed carefully out the window and I’m surprised we ever managed to do it at all. We were caught only once–her mom opened the bedroom door to see us climbing back into the room. We told her we were out getting some fresh air. At 2 AM. In the middle of winter. It was 30 degrees out.
She totally believed us.
I had my share of childhood lies and never got caught…except once. The first (and only) time I tried to cut school with my boyfriend I got caught. I had friends that cut school every week but when I tried it, I got busted.
I had the nurse convinced after first period that I was so sick that I had to go home. (I should have gotten an academy award for some of my high school performances) My boyfriend picked me up and we spent the day together. He took me home and my parents were none the wiser.
When I got home, however, I found out that one of the teachers saw me leave and called my mother. Gah.
The one that has stuck with me all these years the most, though, is the year I woke up very early on Christmas morning and unwrapped the ends of all my presents so I could see what I got. Needless to say, when it was time to open presents, I feigned surprise but I was feeling rotton inside.
Oh, just remembered another one. I was about a freshman in high school and had taken an X-rated book I found in my parent’s dresser drawer to school. I didn’t have the good sense to not get it out in class to show it off. The teacher confiscated the book and laid it on his desk. When he realized what it was, he turned it into the guidance counselor. I gave her this song and dance about how my parents would be so disappointed in me and that I was finishing my catechism that year, blah, blah, blah. She bought it and never called my mom. Whew!