Please share your experiences.
Inspired by the “leaving my wife and children” thread, of course.
My grandmother uses my uncle’s divorce to excuse everything his children (now in their 30s) have ever done.
My first wife and I divorced when my daughter was 2 years old. We both then tried to make her childhood as normal as possible given the circumstances. I spent a lot of time with her while she was growing up and took her on long trips to make up for the time I couldn’t always be there for her. My daughter is turning 29 this year. It’s hard to say what impact our divorce had on her, but I suspect it would have been worse had we decided to stick it out “for the sake of the child”.
Perhaps because she was so young when we split up she didn’t really know anything different. Had she been 10 or 12 then the impact may have been greater, or at least more noticeable. She has since gotten married and appears to be living a fairly normal and happy life at this point.
My parents divorced when I was 4. I’m really glad they did. But I think their divorce was beneficial for our family, most divorces are detrimental for families.
I’m glad she got divorced because my father is a difficult person who would have caused more problems in my life than his absence caused. And it turned out well because my mom remarried a gem of a man who acted as a wonderful father to me.
So it can work out for the best, but in most cases it doesn’t. In those cases in which the parents don’t get along (not screaming and hitting, but just aren’t in love any more), I think it is better to stay together for the kids.
Now I’m a parent in a non-ideal marriage. But I won’t get divorced, because I can see the devastating effect it would have on my children.
My parents divorced when I was 11. I haven’t known what “whole” or “secure” is since. However, at least both my parents loved me and that was never in question. I know they needed to divorce, that’s not an issue. But I’m so incredibly bound and determined not to divorce.
My folks split when I was just barely 4.
The splitting wasn’t really an issue - I don’t remember most of their marriage. However, what made a huge difference was my father not being involved with me at all. He didn’t disavow me or anything - but he didn’t make any effort to see me, pay any child support, etc. We would spend time together when I was younger, but he lived up in Northern CA, so visiting was a long drive, and eventually we just drifted away.
I didn’t realize how much it had affected me until he died, but it was huge.
My parents divorced when I was 13. It was the best thing in the world. They fought all the time (just verbal), and the house was nothing but stress and eggshells for a few years. I went off to summer camp for a few weeks, came back, and my dad had moved out. I lived with my mom, and dad was a few miles away. It was great - no more stress, no more eggshells, and I maintained both relationships just fine.
My parents divorced when I was around 2, and got back together shortly when I was about 8 before breaking it off for good.
I was too young to notice the first time, and the second time around it was relief because my father drank- money was tight, mom was constantly upset, and life was unpredictable. While the divorce was relatively friendly, it got really ugly right before the divorce and I think that was a difficult thing for me to go through.
My mom did not date a lot when I was growing up, and I think she just gave up and focused on me. We were a little team, but I also know she was at times quite bitter. Now that I’ve been out of the house for a while she’s found a great guy and seems truly happy.
I had a strong extended family, and never though I missed out on much. But now, as I get older and am starting to think about starting my own family, I realize that there are some big effects. I realize that I’ve never had a model of a working relationship, and it doesn’t seem normal or natural to me. I just don’t know what married life is supposed to look like. I think I’ve also internalized a lot of the mistrust and bitterness, and it’s hard to for me to consider truly trusting a man. I also think I would have been better off with having more people in the house- I’m the ultimate only child, and I missed out on a lot of socialization that would have come from living in a larger household that could support a bit more formality.
It’s not the worst thing and didn’t ruin my life, but I do think it has a negative effect. I think the divorce was the best thing possible in the situation, but I wish my mom could have found someone else to be in her life- for her own sake as much as mine.
I’m curious about your statement, An Arky. My parents had a terrible marriage but stayed together, and I always wondered why they did that. I am divorced myself and, although I work very hard to maintain a good and friendly relationship with my ex so we can co-parent, I wonder how it is affecting my son. What do you mean, you don’t know what “whole” or “secure” is? Can you elaborate?
I was about 3 when my parents separated (and divorced, and annulled). Yes, there were probably things I missed out on without my father playing an active, constructive part in my life, but then, I don’t think he would have played much of an active, constructive part had he stayed, either. He thinks he’s completely dedicated to his family, and he’s still in denial, but he never really wanted a family, he wanted pets. I know it wasn’t easy on my mom, but when all’s said and done, she did a great job raising my sister and I on her own.
My parents divorced when I was an older teen. My mother left my father for her boss. At the time, I was mostly pissed she had waited for a man to come along, rather than end it years before, because they were obviously so miserable. All through my childhood I simultaneously worried they would split up, and hoped desperately that they would. When they finally did, it was a relief.
My mother is still with her boss, by the way, and they are quite happy. My dad met a woman who truly loves him, and married her, and they have been married a number of years. They are both happier now than I have ever seen them. Divorce can be a great blessing to an unhappy family. I would advise against staying together for the kids; my parents tried to, and it made my home growing up unbearable. They formed such bitterness between them over the years… it still hasn’t gone away completely. I only wish they would have ended it sooner, and been able to be friendlier.
My parents divorced when I was 6, and while some things about the situation undoubtedly hurt my development, like **Chronos **says, I don’t get the sense that they’d have been addressed had my parents - my specific parents, not some idealized version of Parents - stayed together. The biggest things I missed from my birth parents - seeing how adults mutually support and love one another, negotiate differences, etc. - wouldn’t have happened anyhow. They’d have remained not talking, not supporting, not loving, not negotiating, so the lesson would still be absent!
The divorce *benefited * me in that I’m extremely flexible and adaptable about “the way things are done”, which makes it really nice when integrating into new work or social environments. Being raised in two homes (mother primary, father for summers and winter breaks), it was clear that in some homes you wash the dishes after dinner and in some homes they wait until morning and that neither way causes the world to end. That kind of stuff. I didn’t realize what a gift that flexibility was until I married my ex, who is less flexible than lead, thanks to his parents’ lessons that their way is The Way and everyone else is a hell bound moron.
And, of course, had my parents not divorced, I wouldn’t have grown up in the love of my “other dad” (not a legal stepparent, but a friend of the family who briefly dated my mom and has treated me as his daughter for as long as I can remember) or my stepmother, or my dad and stepmom’s other partners. They’re all wonderful people who have been there for me, and I can’t imagine life without them. I’ve got six parental figures who helped me grow, who supported me when I needed it and kicked my ass (metaphorically) when I needed it, and I love them all.
Overall, even though my parents were not the screaming type and I didn’t know there was stress in their marriage until they told me they were divorcing, I’m extremely glad they did divorce. That doesn’t mean I never wished it otherwise when I was a kid, but those times were rare, and fewer and fewer as I aged and got more of “the story” and greater understanding. My parents are both good people, but with irreconcilable ideas about relationships that doomed them as a couple.
My mother has been married and divorced four times. Three of those marriages happened before I was ten, and there were lots of guys in-between. I got so used to new families and new homes that it wasn’t much of a blip on my radar screen. We didn’t discuss the old relationships much once they were over - just moving along. I guess there was some unresolved grief there but it wasn’t something I dwelled upon. It was such a way of life that I didn’t understand why other kids complained about their parents’ divorce.
Until my husband’s parents divorced after 17 years of marriage. It was the most nasty, destructive, self-centered behavior I’d ever seen come out of a divorce situation. Their war raged in court over their youngest child for about six years following the finalization of the divorce - all the way until she became legally an adult. She had serious issues which were minimized by her mother and overblown by her father. And my husband’s mother had highly inappropriate expectations of him, mailing him divorce court documents and asking him to negotiate with his father for her, despite the fact that he told her repeatedly it was ripping his heart out (he was eighteen.) I was dragged in too, for years it felt like we were the only ones really focused on the welfare of the child while they fought their petty battles and tried to undermine one another every chance they got. To this day I have a hard time forgiving them both for what they did to their children.
Thus my conclusion is, some divorces ain’t no big thing and some divorces really blow, and it’s entirely in the hands of the parents involved. I have a very low opinion of people who drag their children into the middle of their relationship drama.
(In retrospect, as an adult, I think my mother’s serial relationships did affect me in some important ways. They made me kind of desperate for a father, for one thing, which led to trouble down the road. I have a relationship with my bio Dad but he wasn’t there for much of my childhood and I don’t really feel I have a Dad. But I don’t have the ‘‘Daddy issues’’ that a lot of women supposedly have as a result of being abandoned by their fathers. Whatever issues I had, they’re in the past. I don’t need a father, but I don’t hate men either.)
My parents divorced when I was five and my brother was four. Dad came around from time to time and took us to the beach. The interval between beach trips grew longer and longer, and the last time I saw him, I was nine.
On my fourteenth birthday, he mailed me a gift: a Cabbage Patch doll, which was the hot toy that year. He also sent my brother some surf T-shirts. I remember wondering if Dad knew how old I was (too old for dolls)!
When I graduated from high school, I sent an announcement to Dad’s last known address. It came back marked addressee unknown.
The End.
A very sad story? Well, I never thought so. I barely remember him at all. I had my mom and grandparents and never felt a lack. It may have been different for my brother. The real family tragedy came when I was eleven and Mom married pure evil, but that’s a whole ‘nother kettle of shit.
I was talking with a friend the other day, and realized that many men I’ve known have left their kids. My dad, my stepdad (spit), my daughter’s father, my ex-husband, my current husband. I was surprised to find myself thinking that that’s just how things are supposed to go, people have kids and then the mom raises them. I also like older guys, though I have dated my own age as well. These things haven’t been a problem in my life, but they are the only effects on me that I have identified.
Yeah, I do remember counseling a friend of mine who wanted to have a child but had no mate, and telling her, “honestly, I think every woman who has a child has to assume that she’s going to be doing it on her own. The guy can leave, the guy can die…you just never know.” Later in the conversation I amended it to “person”, as of course there’s the possibility that a mother can leave or die and leave the father to raise the kid on his own, but my *first *thought was that women, specifically, should be prepared to do it alone. After all, my mom did, and I did, so…
As it happened, she got a friend to father her baby and he was a halfhearted co-parent until he *did *die when the kid was under 2, so…not entirely wrong there.
My near-exact experience. Childhood improved 1000-fold once the arguments, fighting, emotional eggshells, and parental spite were removed from daily life. Parents staying married “for the kids sake” somehow thinking they are improving the kids lives are just incomprehensible to me.
I was six when my parents divorced, and I have very little memory of their relationship before that point. I don’t recall them fighting or anything like. Either I was too young to remember, or they really did a good job of keeping it away from me.
My father wasn’t around much at all after the divorce – he never had much of interest in being a parent, apparently. And he died when I was 11. I don’t recall ever feeling a deep sense of loss at not having a father around growing up. To me, growing up in a single parent home was just a minor difference I had from my peers, much like them being of a different ethnicity or their parents driving different cars. Some of this, however, may be due to the fact that he passed away – I have a number of friends in my adult life with divorced parents who spend a lot of time shuttling back and forth between the divided portions of their family, and frankly, it sounds like more of a headache than anything. I’m kind of glad I didn’ thave to deal with that as a child.
My parents divorced when I was fiveish. My first memories include a lot of them yelling at each other. My stepdad was an alcoholic and my stepmom I had growing up suffered from severe depression. My parents weren’t good together, but their next mates weren’t really improvements. My mom had a couple of boyfriends before stepdad that were a mixed bag. My dad is now on his third marriage and my now stepmom is a good woman. My mom has a live in boyfriend who is mostly a good guy. Ultimately, it worked out for them.
I lived with my mom most of the time, but I saw my dad every other weekend and spent a couple of months with him every summer. My dad has always been an important part of my life.
I have serious issues. I have a profound fear of rejection. I suspect it has something to do with, but I can’t positively attribute it to, my parents’ divorce, though. I was always a sensitive guy. My sister, who is four years older, is a little messed up, but not as much as me. My brother, who is 2 years younger, is very well adjusted.
As an adult, that IS a pain in the friggin’ ass, much more than it was as a kid, since I gained even more family obligations from my husband’s side. My mom has started giving me guilt trips in the last few years because I alternate holidays between her and my dad, same as I did when I was a kid. One raised eyebrow and an “I didn’t divorce the man,” and it shuts her up for another 3 months, but it keeps coming up. I know she’s lonely (I’m her only child, and her mom is getting lost d/t Alzheimer’s), but surely she can’t expect me not to spend some holidays with the man she spent so much energy making sure I maintained a relationship with as a child, right?! :dubious:
My parents divorced when I was 14-15 years old. In some ways life was easier after my dad moved out, and in some ways it was harder. That’s how change is. My mom likes to tell the story of how when they told my brother (he was 12-13 at the time) he didn’t believe them, but when they told me I said, “It’s about time.”
The divorce was 25 years ago, and I don’t have any abandonment/rejection issues, I neither fear nor hate the institution of marriage, I have decent relationships with both of my parents, etc. My brother might have some lingering divorce-related issues, but he has so many other problems that it’s impossible to tell what could be due to the divorce and what’s just him. Still, small as our age difference is (I’m only 19 months older), I wouldn’t be surprised if it was just enough to matter.