Christians FROM SPAAAACE...!

In My Humble Opinion
1

Inspired by all the alien threads recently and wanted to mix in our other favourite topic.

It’s the not-too-distant future, next Sunday A.D. Over Washington D.C. a silver saucer slowly, silently descends on the National Mall. The world collectively shits a brick, but the saucer merely hovers silently over the Washington Monument. The capital is in chaos as some flee and some come to marvel at the wonder in the air. Shortly after it arrives some idiot shoots an RPG at it, but the alien craft is not damaged nor retaliates. The scene repeats itself in capital cities across the globe.

All forms of communications fail, but it lands in front of the Capitol after 24 hours. The struts descend. A door opens, a platform extends. From it emerges three small humanoid figures which remind everyone of Ewoks, no tentacles or fangs. They are clad in brown robes. In one hand they hold aloft a large figure of a crucified man. On another, a black book with a golden cross on the cover along with a word of alien text.

One of the aliens speaks as the world holds its breath. Its tongue is soft, precise and incomprehensible - apart from two words in the middle of the sentence; “Christ Jesus” is made out clearly.

In the weeks that follow the world’s finest scientists and linguistics experts work with the visitors, and their language is translated. The alien said on arrival that they were honoured to visit the same planet that Christ Jesus martyred himself to redeem all sentient species. They explain that they have come to spread the word of Christ to all humans so that they may be redeemed after death; however they don’t wish Crusades or stoning people, and deplore the use of force. Genetic testing confirms that they are not related to any species on Earth.

When asked how they know of Christianity they are puzzled, and reply that it is they same way humans know of it, through divine revelation and have set course for Earth ever since they detected it. They reject being labelled anything but ‘Christians’, in terms of denominations although under scrutiny they seem closest to modern Coptic Orthodoxy. Inside their ships are many beautifully rendered holographic icons of Jesus and religious scenes from the Bible. They also refuse to answer any questions about their science nor society saying we “are not ready”, save that their ships have no offensive or active defensive capabilities and they themselves are unarmed.

What do you make of these Ewok-like extraterrestrial evangelists, aliens arriving under the banner of the Cross? Do you get your ass to Church quick sharp or demand that they leave, by force if necessary? What’s the reaction of the world at large? I have been authorised to answer questions on behalf of the species, the M’shin-arys in their tongue, should the initial press be insufficient.

2

Having abandoned The Legend Of The Man-Jesus, I must admit, if it came to that, with the deflected RPG and all, I might consider reconsidering.

3

I’d just blow my head off because either the whole universe is insane, or I am.

4

I conclude that they’ve been listening to our radio broadcasts without exercising the least microgram of critical thinking. It’s exactly as if they were Nazis from space or Communists from space or Scientologists, etc. It makes them a load of damn fools.

5

Can I root for Natalie Portman and a couple guys with light-sabers…?

6

Well, I probably buy a gun for the first time in my life, to suicide with when the American Inquisition comes to haul me away to the torture chambers. Because that’s the kind of effect I’ll expect it to have on the country; a massive, rapid, brutal Christian revival.

As for the aliens themselves I expect that they are either playing a twisted joke, or they don’t exist and we really are all in the Matrix. Christianity is ridiculous and illogical enough that believing it to be be true amounts to renouncing all reason and evidence anyway; anything goes at that point. Maybe Azathoth will wake up and we’ll all vanish, or the Death Star will arrive next and blow up Earth; either “possibility” is more plausible than Christianity.

And it being true means we’re all screwed anyway; we’re in a universe controlled by a megalomaniac demon-god with a taste for torture.

7

Well, so long as they don’t do their witnessing in the road and frighten the horses, it’s okay with me.

8

“I’m a space Christian! Bet you weren’t ready for that…”

9

Huh?

10

In that they won’t retaliate against an attacker in self-defence, for as the good book says “But I say unto you, That ye resist not evil: but whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also.”. They are unwilling to discuss the specifics of their hull plating or potential kinetic shield technology, sadly.

11

No one expects the Outer Space Inquisition!

12

I would immediately think the aliens were up to no good and assume they were using the christian camouflage (which they could have picked up from our radio and television broadcasts) to hide more nefarious purposes. I would be preparing myself for living in my personal episode of Falling Skies after that.

13

Eh, if I’m gonna have Space Christians ringing the door once a month to tell me the Good News, that’s not going to be a greater annoyance than what I already have to deal with. I’ll set up a park bench and table in the front yard so they sit with the JWs and Mormons.

What would be a fascinating thing would be watching the clusterfart of the various Earth Christian sects trying to see if the Space Christians confirm any of their doctrines, and if they don’t, then trying to convince their locals AND the aliens themselves that they’re heretics who got it all wrong and need to come around to that denomination’s version. There would be no threat from an American Inquisition,** Der Trihs**, because the various factions would be too busy beating each other bloody over who got to run it.

Jack Chick would just die, or else crank out a dozen true masterpieces and then die. The Patriarch of Moscow would demand Putin pass decrees specifically banning Alien Orthodox proselytizing. Pope Francis would say something like “Space Brothers! Pucha, this is the biggest news from God since Jesus” and the Curia would rush to issue a disclaimer that it is still the RCC official policy position that the RCC is the biggest news since Jesus. Joel Osteen and Rick Warren would write bestselling books about it that yet contain not one new original theological idea. The Anglican Communion would have longwinded debates as to whether the Space Christians will be cool with blessing gay marriages and ordaining women and gays.

The Westboro BC would picket with a sign that says God Hates Furries.

Like he said: Their ship is made relatively invulnerable to conventional weapons through deflective technology (maybe part of what’s needed for interstellar travel), not through active interception.

14

I’d find it very hard to believe that these guys would find any meaning in a creature they’d never seen before (assuming there are no humans on their planet) dying for their “sins”. The whole concept of “sin” is directly tied to our biology and thousands of years of cultural history. There’s no way that creatures on an entirely different planet would have the exact same cultural ideals as Christianity.

So yeah, I’m gonna have to go with space prank. Probably some kind of Ewok reality show.

15

I hate to fight the hypothetical, but this premise just doesn’t track. It sounds like the plot of a movie starring Kirk Cameron (although, to be fair, it would be an order of magnitude more intelligent than such a movie would be). Not at all plausible.

Even if the aliens were cynically manipulating what they see as our easily-exploitable weaknesses, they would have to be aware that using Christianity would cover only a portion of the Earth’s population.

And I don’t believe that the OP is planning to reveal that cynical manipulator aliens was what he had in mind. Although I should be careful not to make assumptions about the OP (especially since I rarely take note of posters’ names, so I have no idea if the OP has previously staked out a position on theism or not).

This question (like certain comments in the other threads the OP mentions), taken at face value, simply shows the limitations that some people have due to a lack of considered exposure to other worldviews. Such limited thinking occurs all the time, and shows up on this board in threads about (for example) right/left politics, misogyny, or when Americans make a comment that ignores that a portion of 'Dopers aren’t American. But it shows up the brightest,to my eyes, when certain followers of a Christian worldview put forth a scenario that can fit into the category of “but what if you are wrong?”

Shyamalan’s Signs did a better job of trying to make the point the OP makes, I think (at least those “aliens” actually fit into some versions of the Christian worldview). And I hated that movie largely because it did little more than to express a limited, unconsidered kind of thinking.

I believe it is possible (although not easy) to hold Christian beliefs without blinding yourself to the richness and tremendous complexity that considering other worldviews as valid can offer.

16

The most ideological Christians here on Earth already have advanced and impenetrable deflective technology, effectively and successfully protecting them whenever they are attacked by a blasphemous onslaught of reason, logic, and/or critical thinking.

17

Ha, have no fear, I think religion’s a load of bollocks myself so I’m certainly not trying to win converts to a death-worshipping cult (I’m not American either) but I’m always interested in pushing the limits, and in particular what people think society and the world in general would make of it; whether the first instinct is more to trust (‘if advanced aliens believe it, maybe…?’) or mistrust (‘these fuzzy little bastards are trying to trick us!’). And why the personal/societal views may be the same or polar opposites.

Aliens too stupid to operate a door or wear envirosuits on a planet where most of the vapour in the atmosphere and 7/10ths of the planet’s surface is fatal to them would never achieve interstellar flight in the first place.

18

I’d have endless fun insisting the bible was a cookbook. :smiley:

19

I always find it interesting that atheists, who pride themselves on critical, logical and scientific thinking, dismiss any notion of religion immediately without considering the evidence. Perhaps their difference with religious types is atheists are openly willing to admit nothing will change their mind.

20

This is the most likely theory. Which is more plausible: Aliens learning about Christianity through observation and using it for some mysterious probably hostile end, or aliens somehow learning about Jesus when people in Asia never learned of him until contacted by missionaries?