All the better reason to respect his choice. And not stoop to his level.
He gave you a reason, he has no feelings for you anymore.
We put both advice threads and medical threads in IMHO, so let me move this thither for you.
twickster, MPSIMS moderator
BigT - I’m afraid I have experienced his anger, I have never seen such anger in a man before, it’s only happened twice and the second time it wasn’t so bad and I was able to stand up for myself, the first time it just scared me. But he’s not been angry with me in a long time now well since last year anyway.
I will see how it goes today when I am going to try and meet up with him and then move on from then. I know a lot about people with BPD now (well more than I did!) it must be a very tough illness to live with for sure.
My mother has BPD, so believe me when I say I speak from experience. I understand your commitment to him because I feel very strongly committed to my Mom. There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that your guy suffers tremendously as a result of his affliction, that you love him, and that it is very hard for you to see him suffer like that. My mother’s suffering tears my heart out.
This is what you need to understand: It is very, very difficult for people like this to change. A measly SSRI is not going to do it. A year of therapy is probably not going to do it- even DBT treatment is ideally structured over several years. If you stay with this guy, you are most likely going to decide over and over and over that this time is different, that he’s really changing, that he’s getting better, that everything is going to be okay. And every time, it’s going to blow up in your face. Every time he suffers, you’re going to suffer too. That is just the nature of the beast.
I’ve been waiting 28 years for my mother to change. The details may have shifted, but her fundamental dysfunction in relating to other humans has not. I have killed myself trying to figure out a way to ‘‘fix’’ her, and I have at times erroneously convinced myself that I am the only hope she has.
I don’t have an answer for you. If it was easy to walk away forever, I would have done so by now. She put me and the rest of our family through hell but Og help me, I still love her. I’m still trying to work out how to handle this relationship. There are times I do it very well and times I fail spectacularly. If you remain so committed it will be a puzzle that haunts you for the rest of your life.
That’s the basic thing I need you to understand. You can’t stake your happiness and hope on him changing. You can’t. It will kill you. Not one time, but over and over. On the other hand, if you decide to stay with him come hell or high water, it will kill you. Not one time, but over and over. There’s no way you can stay in this and come out unscathed. You either need to cut and run or prepare yourself for a lifetime of suffering.