Clan of the Cave Bear (spoilers, I guess)

Cafe Society
21

"The Shelters of Stone," the short version
By Juniper200

Ayla: Greetings! I am Ayla of the Ninth Cave of the Zelandonii, formerly Ayla of the Mamutoi, Blessed of Doni, mate of Jondalar of the Zelandonii, friend to animals and protected by the spirit of the great Cave Bear. If you missed that, I will repeat it for you every ten pages from here on out.

New Acquaintance: Greetings! I find you devistatingly attractive! Let us shag like minks in the uninhibited manner embraced by prehistoric peoples everywhere.

Jondalar and Wolf: Grrrrrrrr…

Ayla: Perhaps some other time. Here, allow me to remove your appendix while I show you some of my inventions, including fire (which I worked out when I lost my hammerstone–I’ll tell you about that again and again, just in case you forget), the needle, domesticated animals (I killed a mother horse and raised the baby because I was lonely–don’t worry; I’ll remind you of that in about five pages), sub-orbital space flight, the catalytic converter…Ooooh! A pterodactyl! Hang on, I’ll just bring that down with a rock and a piece of string…did I mention that I’m the Nelson Mandela of the Neandrathals?

Acquaintance: You are also a prime piece of ass.

Jondalar and Wolf: Grrrrr…

Ayla: Fear not, Jondalar! For I love you more than anything in the world and I have ever since the first moment I saw you in the valley where I lived alone and even when I almost kicked you to the curb for the P.Diddy of the steppe tribes. Love love love. In case you forgot the two years of torture that I put you through, my love, I will recount them again in no less than 15 pages.

Jondalar: Great Mother, woman, you are beautiful! Now let’s have sex, first by me going down on you–being sure to incorporate the term “nodule” into the process–and then letting you fellate me just short of climax. Then we’ll fuck in the missionary position and I’ll come in about two paragraphs.

Ayla: That sounds wonderful. I’ll reach orgasm three times, and then, even though we are the Curies of the Cavemen, we will prove that we are sexual dynamos by performing the same sexual acts in the same order, but about 20 pages later.

Lather ([sub][sup]preferably with the small, saponin-rich flowers of soaproot, which grows near every cave[/sub][/sup]), rinse ([sub][sup]in a cold, glacier-fed stream such as Ayla might cleanse herself in after mind-blowing sex[/sub][/sup]), repeat ([sub][sup]for 900 pages that cost $30 hardback.[/sub][/sup]

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Juniper you left out the part about the memories and how Ayla has no choice but to follow her destiny.

Otherwise, BRAVO!

23

Juniper, a lovely peice of work!!!

Haven’t read Shelters of Stone. Probably will when it comes out in paperwork. Makes me laugh - which I don’t think is the idea.

My advice, read it like bad science fiction. These people aren’t prehistoric humans, they are a Star Trek alien race on a prehistoric Earth like world. Then you don’t need to worry about racial memory or the unlikelyhood of the events.

24

Juniper - you forgot to mention that she invented the missionary position! Otherwise, fine work. Can’t wait for the next 4.

25

Well, I’ve finished the book, and it wasn’t terrible. Of course, it wasn’t great, either, and I think you all have scared me off reading the rest of them (although, I admit, it’s a kind of fascinated horror.)

26

Nah, I think the missionary position was already around by the time Ayla discovered her oversexed nature. I’m pretty sure she came up with the blow job, though…

I read the four earlier books between the ages of 12 and 16. The first one was the best. Halfway through Valley of the Horses, the whole thing degenerated into this drawn-out sex scene interrupted every now and then by inventing a spear thrower or something.

And you know, now that I (painfully bring myself to) recall, they do always do the deed in the same order. How boring. What with inventing basically everything else in modern society, you’d think Ayla would have invented variety in the bedroom…eh, cave.

27

IIRC, they did it doggie-style at the end (ha!) of Valley of the Horses.

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…ah, so they did. :slight_smile: Obviously I did not painfully recall enough.

29

I actually LIKED the entire series! True, I didn’t find it anything more than a historical bodice ripper, but hey, I can’t read solid heavy stuff all the time. Sometimes you just have to read something easy. The legnth didn’t get me, but the repition did a bit, I just learned to skim a bit. I am a fast reader so, I wasn’t too bothered.

Juniper, that was hysterical. :slight_smile:

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::::Throws roses at the feet of Juniper200 as the crowd goes wild

31

Aw, thanks guys! :slight_smile:

I actually like the whole series too. Some of the books I like more than others, of course, but I find that if I just skip the sex scenes, there are bits that pay off. Auel is at her best when she can create a culture and really get in-depth with the details. I’m incredulous about the constancy of spiritual practices across the continent, but I really like the parts that detail the everyday practices of the Clan and the Mamutoi.

The Zelandonii I don’t like quite as much. Maybe it’s because there’s so many of them and they seem to be so friggin’ good at everything. It’s like a society of Aylas in some parts. Or maybe it’s because Jondalar spent three books talking them up and I’m disappointed with his culture now that we finally see it.

And now, behold! My predictions for Book 6!

Ayla will discover
The identity of the tribe to which she was born
A Unified Field Theory
Agriculture
The Segway
Metalurgy
Creme brulee
(And I was honestly shocked that she wasn’t the one to work out the process of firing pottery. That was my prediction at the end of The Mammoth Hunters, but I guess there are some things even Ayla misses out on.)

Pop quiz! Complete this sentence: Jondalar will feel that his place in Ayla’s affections is threatened by…
a) another man, b) her spiritual training, c) her destiny, d) her mission to make peace between the Others and the Clan, c) her call as a healer, d) Wolf and Whinney, e) All of the above.

Please, share your predictions! Surely we can’t come up with anything more implausible than the fact that she’s the only one who understands How Babies Are Made.

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I wonder why they don’t make a chapter in which she meets with her son again?

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I wonder why they don’t make a chapter in which she meets with her son again?

34

I read somewhere that Auel said Ayla will never see her son again.

35

Juniper200, that’s the funniest thing I’ve read all week.

More! More!
We need to see the short versions of volumes 1-4!
:slight_smile: