Hey you. The guy or gal watching the game or movie or test-pattern. Let me scrunch up your picture and yank it out of high def for a few minutes…
**POP! FLASH! [COLOR=RoyalBlue]Adjust your eyes and brain to process impressionist images. SKIZZIT! CLICK! **[/COLOR]
Your cable box didn’t reboot? Lucky this time. But I ain’t done yet.
TRUMPETS! DRUMS! CLASHING CYMBOLS! [COLOR=RoyalBlue]Check out this flashing map of forty counties in three states. TEMPO! TEMPO! FASTER! FASTER![/COLOR]
Can you see our scrolling graphic superimposed over the lower half of your screen, blotting out everything under it?
SIRENS! YELLOW TEXT ON ORANGE BANNER! [COLOR=RoyalBlue]The National Weather Service has issued an alert for your area. Clouds will begin to form at 9:20 PM local time. The counties effected are Madison, Jeffreys, Stewart, Watshot, Dingbickle, Fuckbucket, Shitgristle, Grannyisawhore, and Jesuswept. »»» The National Weather Service has issued an alert for your area. Clouds will begin to form… START THE WHOLE THING OVER! ALARMS![/COLOR]
We offer this as a service to our community because we care about you, our viewer.
FOUR-FOLD VOLUME INCREASE! [COLOR=RoyalBlue]Douglas Dumbass, here! Owner of Dumbass Used Cars! And boy are we dealin’! CLICK! SKIZZIT! FLASH! POP![/COLOR]
But we don’t care that much. We’ll resume our warning after the commercial.
What if it becomes cloudy and they never go away? Every day, 24/7/365, is cloudy, from now on out. Wouldn’t YOU want to be warned? Sounds like it’s a reminder to go outside and look up, and drink in the clear, cloudless sky. It might be the last one you’ll ever see. They’re doing you a Public Service, you ungreatful SOB.
But Liberal, what you don’t realize is that is that the station’s Doppler 14 Billion radar will be able to tell you exactly where it is cloudy out.
Imagine that! With modern technology, we can tell where it is cloudy!
Think about it. In the past we had to actually go outside, or at least look out our window, to tell if it was cloudy out. Now we don’t have to get up out of our easy chair and the teevee will tell us it is cloudy. And not only that, with that nifty internet I’ve heard so much about we will be able connect and check for ourselves if it is cloudy.
I don’t see why you are so cynical about progress.
This reminds me of when I was in California, at, uh, some point in the past, and and there was a frost advisory on TV. A frost advisory! I’ve got to run to the store for toilet paper and milk, god forbid we run out during the KILLER FROST FROM HELL.
To be fair, that was probably for farmers who would really need to provide some sort of warmth for crops that are grown in generally frost-less regions, and cannot abide frost.
We used to get these warnings in Israel all the time – although at least here they’d say it’s “a message for the farmers.” I haven’t heard these messages on the radio for some years now, though; I think the information is disseminated using more modern methods than General Broadcast, nowadays.
When I was here before, the local news had Storm Watch 2000 (or 2001, or 2002…): ‘I’m standing in Malibu where last year a house was washed into the ocean. As you can see, it’s not raining now and there is only a trickle coming down the creek. But it’s going to be raining here sometime, and last year a house was washed into the ocean!’ Or they’ll have some schlub standing in the rain next to a flooded street, which happens to be in a flood plain where water used to soak into the groung before the ground was covered in concrete, being surprised that there’s flooding. So I see your point about frost advisories.
On the other hand, there are still some farms here and there around SoCal; and more farther north. Such foods as oranges are damaged by frost. It’s possible that the frost advisories are aimed more at the farmers than the general public.
Don’t forget, they still open weather reports on wave sizes with “a message for the surfers,” and reports of possible flash floods with “a message for the hikers.” I think it’s cute.
Oh wait. This is the Pitt.
Quit bitin’ my style, you Gonorrhea-raddled flying monkey-spawn.
Of the Devil’s hairy armpit.
On Tuesday.
With parking in the rear.
And newly fortified.
With Iron & 7 essential nutrients.
And a frog named Paul.
Who isn’t dead.
He’s just got no shoes on.
fnord.
