I’m standing in line yesterday at the Starbuck’s Coffee Stand in a New Jersey Turnpike rest stop. This in of itself is an oxymoron, since when I was a wee bairn, the New Jersey Turnpike rest stops meant Howard Johnson’s. But, I digress as usual.
The names and descriptions of their daily blends just cracked me up and so, in the interest of amusement and education, I offer my three fantasy Coffee Beans, and their faux erudite descriptions. Please feel free to expand the list. 
**Scarsdale Stifflip Supreme. **This arrogant bean comes to us pre-burnt, and all we do is soak it in vodka for 48 hours, then grind the living heck out of it, and serve it tepid. It’s an impetuous bean with a sullen pastyfaced undercurrent.
SoHo NoGo. Our most popular de-caf bean. Stultifyingly ungratifying , yet soothing and just a hinty hint of chammomile to sedate the taster.
Armadillo Peccadillo. The tasty twang of mesquite carries this bean well past a drink and into the realm of an appetizer. Many patrons like to chew them whole. It’s a trip down the highways and byways of TexArkana, right there in your mouth ! Best chewed with a dash Pick A Peppa on them.
Cartooniverse