It has been another interesting week at work. I’m finishing up my 2nd week in my new position, “physician supervisor”. Now, not only do I see patients, but I see the other docs and am expected to beat them into shape. Oh joy. More on that perpetual task in another thread.
It never ceases to amaze me that many of the inmates in our maximum security prison seem to think that they are staying at some sort of health spa. Requests for ‘fluffier’ pillows, better mattresses, hair care products, different colored underwear, and even less likely things get made with a straight face daily.
But usually there is some coherence to the request.
Not last Wednesday, though. My patient, an inmate from cellblock #5 (in the old part of the prison, but still desirable) had no trouble making two mutually contradictory requests within 2 minutes.
Now, the man is perfectly healthy. He was called down to review some lab tests which turned out to be perfectly normal. And he uses this oppportunity to pitch his case to me!
Patient: “Doc, Doc, as long as I’m here, you gotta help me! You guys are starving me here! I need bigger portions at mealtimes, and I need a bedtime snack! I can’t take this any more!”
QtM: “Wait a minute, let me see your chart. Hey, we don’t have you on a diet!”
Patient: “I know! I never said you did! But I’m eating everything they give me, and it’s not enough! I’m going to starve here!”
QtM: “The standard diet provides you with 3300 calories a day here. That’s more than enough for an active healthy man! Um, you’re at least 35 pounds overweight. You’ve gained 7 pounds since you arrived 3 weeks ago!”
Patient: “Damn! I have? I gotta trim up! Doc, give me some diet pills, will you? I need to use this opportunity of being here to shape up!”
QtM: “You want to shape up? Put less food in your mouth and move your body around more! NO DIET PILLS! Also: NO EXTRA FOOD! We don’t use diet pills here. Besides, they’re not good for you. If you want to lose weight, we’ll put you on a diet.”
Patient: “No, no diet! I told you, I’m starving! C’mon Doc, some fat burners would do the trick!”
QtM: “NO! No mexican fat burners either!”
Patient: “Mexican fat burners? What are those? Are those better?”
QtM: [sub]D’oh![/sub] “No! Never mind!” [sub](damn you, Wildest Bill! Get OUT of my head!)[/sub] “No diet pills, no extra food!”
Patient: “You’re malpracticing me! I’m gonna tell my lawyer!”
QtM: “You plan to tell your lawyer that I’m refusing to give you extra food and diet pills?”
Patient: “Yeah! How do you like that?”
QtM: “Just make sure he spells my name right. Bye.”
