Aeryn.
If you are going to by a Chris Rock CD, buy Bring the Pain. That is what everyone is quoting from.
Well, everyone except capacitor’s “Whatever happened to crazy?!!”
That one’s from Rock’s newer album, “Bigger and Blacker.”
“One more delivery to make, then.
He read the instructions on the delivery voucher carefully.
He read them again, paying particulr attention to the address, and the message. The address was one word: Everywhere.
Then, with his leaking pen, he wrote a brief note to Maud, his wife. I read simply, I love you.
Then he put his schedule back on the dashboard, looked left, looked right, looked left again and began to walk purposefully across the road. He was halfway across when a German juggernaut came around the corner, its driver crazed on caffeine, little white pills, and EEC transport regulations.
He watched its receding bulk.
Cor, he thought, that one nearly had me.
Then he looked down at the gutter.
Oh, he thought.
YES, agreed a voice from behind his left shoulder, or at least from behind the memory of his left shoulder.”
–Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett, “Good Omens”
George Carlin: “Your armpit smells like an anchovy’s c*nt!”
And just about anything else he has ever said. He’s a genius.
Steven Wright: “I put instant coffee in the microwave…I almost went back in time.”
Any of Dennis Miller’s rants. I’m too tired to think of more. 
Bobcat Goldthwait (sp?)
I lost my job. Well, I didn’t really lose it, just every time I go there, there’s a new guy doing it.
(about 10-15 minutes later in the routine)
I lost my girlfriend. I didn’t really lose her, just every time I go there, there’s a new guy doing her.
George Carlin: “Here’s something that’s NEVER been said before: After I jam this red hot poker up my ass, I’m going to chop my dick off!”
Oh, wow. Yes. He was the best. My favorite routine of his relied on visuals, though, so it wouldn’t come across properly in this medium, but oh, he was so funny. I like irreverence in my comedians/commediennes.
Elayne Boosler: "I was with my sweetie the other night, and he suggested we go walking down by the river. I said, “What are you, nuts? I’m not going walking down by the river! I’m wearing jewelry, I have money in my purse, I’ve got a vagina with me, for Heaven’s sake! I’m not going walking down by the river! Tomorrow night, I’ll leave it in my other pants, then we can go walking down by the river!”
It’s all right - he’s just pissed.
Elayne Boosler reminded me of Carol Liefer: “I dated an optometrist, but he was so annoying in bed. Whatever he did, he’d say, ‘Is it better like this, or like this . . .’”