Who are your comedic heroes, and what have you learned from them? Include at least one quote.
Lenny Bruce: “Take away the right to say ‘fuck’ and you take away the right to say ‘fuck the government.’”
Sam Kinison: “I’m like anyone else on this planet – I’m very moved by world hunger. I see the same commercials, with those little kids, starving, and very depressed. I watch those kids and I go, ‘Fuck, I know the FILM crew could give this kid a sandwich!’ There’s a director five feet away going, ‘DON’T FEED HIM YET! GET THAT SANDWICH OUTTA HERE! IT DOESN’T WORK UNLESS HE LOOKS HUNGRY!!!’”
George Carlin: “How do blind people know when they are done wiping?”
Among other things, they taught me that people who offend widely with their opinions are usually on to something, and that if you don’t get the joke, the joke’s probably on you.
The late, great Bill Hicks.
‘During the riots, when those people were being dragged out of their cars, how many of ya thought like I did? ‘Step on the fucking gas!!!’ Their on foot, you’re in a truck… I think I see a way out of this.’
Bill Engvall:
I had a tire go flat on my car, so I pulled into a service station. The attendant said, “Tire go flat?”. Without missing a beat I answered, “Nope. The other three just swelled right up on me.” He said, “Well, the heat will do that.”
{Cough, ahem, whispering} “You knew the job was dangerous when you took it, Fred!” {cough}
– Uke, Who Knows How To Be Discreet When Correcting a Moderator, Not Like It Was Back When Slythe Was Just Another Member, Is It, And You Could Just Come Right Out and Go “Har, Har,” Like Nelson On The Simpsons
(It doesn’t bother me when I am corrected. On the other hand, BOTH variations were used throughout the series.
-slythe the Ever Merciful)
Dennis Miller: “You know, a lot of people would call me sacrelegious. I don’t know, but I happen to think that my God finds me incredibly fucking funny. That’s why I chose him as my God.”
Billy Connoly (everything is funnier in a scottish accent): "Why do they make you wear seatbelts on planes? When was the last time you heard on the news: “Last night a plane crashed into the side of a fucking mountain in Peru. Luckily, everyone was wearing their seatbelts.”
George Carlin, from his book Brain Droppings:
“I AM NOT WHOLESOME”
“I propose tonight, ladies and gentlemen, to deal with murder. There are only two subjects that appeal nowadays to the general public, murder and sex; and, for people of culture, sex-murder.” – from “Murder at $2.50 a Crime,” 1937
It’s not “the media” that’s giving black folks a bad name. When I go to the ATM I ain’t looking over my shoulder for “the media”, I’m looking for the niggas!
(of course this is preceeded by the difference between black folks and niggas)
Richard Pryor:
Sure there’s justice. It’s “just us”.
George Carlin:
How come I can say I pricked my finger on T.V., but I can’t say it the other way around?
Dorothy Parker: “Tell them I’m too f***ing busy, and vice versa.”
Groucho Marx: “I never forget a face, but in your case, I’ll make an exception.”
George Carlin: “We can’t build a Tv or VCR worth a f***, but we can sure bomb brown people. That’s what we’re good at!”
Lenny Bruce: The entire “How to relax colored friends at parties” routine
Dennis Miller: “If you even think about f***ing or hurting a child, it’s time to kill yourself. Just lean into the batter’s box, and take one for the team.”
Tom Lehrer: “The reason most folk songs are so awful is that they were written by the people.”
Frank Zappa: “Two things are universal: hydrogen and stupidity.”
My favorite: George Carlin, “CUT: If this offends you, remember where you were when you first saw the light of day.
At birth, you had a cut stretched across your head. Just like a little hat.”
Also, “The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it’s just sort of a tired feeling.”
