Comic fans, cast the comic book movie of your choice

Doesn’t matter if it’s already been done, being done now, or has no chance in hell of being done in a billion years.

Assume money is no object. Give us your ideal cast for the comic book of your choice:
Wanted

Wesley Gibson: Eminem, who the character is modeled after. Or, barring that, Chris Masterson from “Malcolm in the Middle.”

The Fox: Jada Pinkett-Smith. Only because Halle Berry has made it clear she cannot be trusted with a comic property.

The Professor: Again I go with the crowd, and say William Macy. He’s got the right look and the right cadence.

Mister Rictus: I can’t picture anybody but Gary Oldman. Okay, maybe Lawrence Fishburne.

The Killer (Wesley’s Dad): I’m going to go a slightly different direction with this and say Burt Reynolds. I still believe he can handle an action role at his age. Possibly Alec Baldwin, provided he doesn’t mind the ambiguous sexual preferences of the character.

Alec Baldwin has a thing for canteen boy, So this is just another trip down memory lane for him.

Hate

Buddy Bradley—Bud Cort, circa 1973 would be a great choice. I can’t think of any modern actors who could fit the bill. An unknown along the lines of Bud Cort back then would be fine. Anyone who can do it with lousy posture.

Stinky Brown—Leonardo diCaprio. Yes, I’m serious. The ladies love him, just like Stinky. He’s blond, just like Stinky. Does he have genital warts, just like Stinky? Well, makeup can take care of that.

George Hamilton—Will Smith. The guy’s versatile, and he looks young enough. Smith doesn’t usually play unpleasant, brooding, loner types, I don’t think, but I’m sure he could pull this off.

Valerie Russell—Mila Kunis. I think she’s wonderful. She could easily play a confused control freak like Valerie. She’s a little short, but Hollywood can work magic. Either that or we could get Megan Mullally. Or Audrey Tatou!

Lisa Leavenworth—Franka Potente. She does a decent American accent, and I suspect she’s capable of the comedy that this role would involve. She also dies her hair all the time, so she’d do just fine.
That does it for the main cast. I wouldn’t want to clutter this thing up with too many stars. I guess the plot could revolve around Buddy and Valerie meeting. Then Hate II: The Return of Butch could drag Buddy’s younger brother into the storyline, though I’m not sure who would play him. Hate III: Leonard and the Love Gods wouldn’t include Butch, but would include Kurt, Kurt, Kurt and the other guy in Stinky’s band. (Boy! This is fun!)

Hate IV: Buddy Goes Home could be marketed as a grittier version of Garden State. We’d meet Butch again, plus Buddy’s parents. Who would play them? Tracy Ullman could play Mrs. Bradley, or maybe Shelly Duval. Maybe Dabney Coleman could play Mr. Bradley. Parker Posey could pull off Babs Bradley very well. Christopher Titus could play Jimmy Foley; I’m not sure who I’d get to play the losers Jake and Pencils. Maybe Jack Black and Topher Grace, respectively. They’d be crucial to the plot of Hate V: Let’s Start a Crackhouse! in which Butch considers a new career and Stinky is back in the picture. Would the world be able to handle Hate VI: The Death of Stinky? I can see a couple more movies coming out of this, but I think I’ve already overly bored anyone crazy enough to read this far.

It’ll be just like Singles with all the grunge soundtracks but without all the love and good feeling!

Preacher

Jesse Custer: Viggo Mortensen (if we can fix up his teeth and find him a really good wig)

Tulip: (IMO not important; she’s really quite a two-dimensional character) Ali Larter or Amy Smart

Cassidy: Jim Carrey (flame away)

Saint of Killers: Christopher Walken or Clint Eastwood. Walken can add a lot of creepiness to the character, but Clint looks hardass and shriveled up like the Saint in the comics.

Jesse’s Uncles: Vin Diesel as the larger guy (I’d like to see him with hair) and David Spade as the nutty one.

The Watchmen:

Rorschach: William H. Macy
The Comedian: Bruce Willis
Nite Owl: Gabriel Byrne
Silk Spectre the younger: Jennifer Garner
Ozymandias: Jude Law

I feel most strongly about the first two.

PREACHER: A good 'ol boy Reverend with the Voice of God, his hitman girlfriend, an Irish vampire, his Gramma, her , a deplorable God, the Saint of Killers and Herr Starr, featherstone, and of course, Hoover. Add in various angels, demons, deep cover operatives from the Grail and an inbred Jesus.

I’m blanking out on some damned fine character parts (God, Father D’Arganton, – and God help me, I can’t think who can pull off Herr Starr) but here’s who I have so far.

God: ???

Jesse Custer: Matthew McConaghey

Tulip O’ Hare: ???

The Voice of God: James Earl Jones.

Cassidy the Vampire: Steve Buscemi (I think a superhumanly strong vamprish Buscemi would. Fucking. Rock.)

Nick Nolte IS the Saint of Killers.

Herr Starr: ???

Featherstone: ER’s Laura Innes

Hoover: ???

Inbred Jesus: ???

Other parts welcome!

McConaghey looks too clean to be the preacher, IMO. Nick Nolte will always be Dr. Chilton to me - plus his voice is really quite nasal. Buscemi is a better choice than my Jim Carrey as long as they stick to the comics and have him keep his sunglasses on (those eyes scare me).

I think Patrick Steward could pull off a decent Allfather Starr. Maybe Ian McKellan, too.

Not sure about Hoover and Featherstone.

Tom Green is the obvious choice for the inbred Jesus.

Wonder Woman: a young Lynda Carter.

Okay, so I’m a traditionalist.

Patrick Stewart is a good visual choice as Herr Starr. He’d have some damned funny lines. But can he hone that sonderous Shakespearan/British tone into something convincingly German?

“My cock is in the bitch’s mouth. And not in a good way.”

“Fuck.”

“Cock doom. Cock doom. Cock doom.”

“I want a warm bath, a weeks’ sleep, a prosthetic leg and armageddon. Hop to it, Featherstone.”

I liked your Tom Green idea as the inbred Christ. Now – what incredibly evil gluttenous fat fuck could we push out a helicopter on him?

Oh, and in the comma after gramma I meant to add “her gunmen, Jody and TC” – their names momentarily escaped me earlier.

Nice choice with Ozymandias! But might you consider William Sadler or Willem Dafoe for Rorschach?

And…Iron Man, directed by James Cameron. Starring Cary Elwes as Tony Stark, Megan Follows as Spider-Woman, and Tony Todd as War Machine.

Anyone want to try and cast Maus? (Animated, I’d assume.) A shoe in for an Oscar or two if you have the guts to pull it off right.

In my fantasies, when the Sandman movie is finally made, the title role will be played by Johnny Depp.

That’s as far as I’ve gone with my fantasy casting, unfortunately. (Who the hell do you pick to play Desire, anyway? Man? Woman? Castrato?)

The only choice.

I would cast a feminine man, and play with his voice a little to blur the gender line a little further.

I was thinking recently that they would have a perfect Watchmen cast, if only they’d wait ten years. I could tolerate Law as Ozymandias, but the rest would be:

Rorschach - Seth Green
Nite Owl II - Sean Astin
Silk Spectre I - Kim Basinger
Silk Spectre II - Sarah Michelle Gellar
Comedian - Brad Pitt

Unfortunately, I know no suitable actors for the starring role of Tim Hunter.

For the warped Mr. E, I’d take Alan Rickman - been too long since we’ve seen him in a nice villain role. Or a young Robert Mitchum.

For Dr. Occult - he’s tough. A young Gregory Peck would be perfect, but I’m not sure about a modern actor.

For John Constantine - Ewan MacGregor.

For the Phantom Stranger - Young Laurence Olivier would work, but again, not sure about a modern actor.

Re: Preacher movie, I would love to see Naomi Watts play Tulip. I think she’d be perfect. Back before he started taking cheesier roles and beating people up in bars, I really wanted to see Vince Vaughn play Preacher.

Cassady would be tough…but I also like Steve Buchemi more than Jim Carrey.

Not to suggest that Harry Potter and the Half-Arsed Tripe is in any way a blatant rip-off, but Daniel Radcliffe.

Thought about him, and Haley Joel Osment - but both of them have aged out of Hunter-viability, as far as the original miniseries is concerned. But sure, Daniel Radcliffe, 4 years ago.

David Bowie. Or Ewan MacGergor is his sexy *Velvet Goldmine * makeup.

Big Hollywood sign major DITTO there. My other choices:

Desire: Orlando Bloom (or, perhaps, Johnny Depp as well)
Death: Angelina Jolie
Delirium: Alyson Hannigan
Destruction: Eric Bana
Despair: Linda Hunt (she’s not fat, but she can wear a suit)
Destiny: Patrick Stewart

Cain: Ian McKellen
Abel: Jim Broadbent
Lucien: Rene Auberjunois

voice of Matthew the Raven: Jason Alexander

Nuala: Kirsten Dunst
Joanna Constantine: Charlize Theron

Of course the estimated budget for salaries would be about $400 million (most of it Depp, Bloom, Jolie & Theron, but one can fantasize).

Chance, might I suggest Matt Stone (South Park) for Stinky. He has the attitude and has no shame, and I could easily see him with a feather duster up his ass on stage.