Every day, I turn to the comics page of the newspaper, hoping I’ll get to see…
[ul]
[li]Beetle Bailey: After another serious beating from Sarge, Beetle winds up in the army hospital with numerous broken bones and internal injuries, and Sarge faces a court-martial. Meanwhile, the General is charged with DUI and sexual harassment and has to resign in disgrace.[/li]
[li]Cathy: After spending a year as a missionary or Peace Corps volunteer in a third world country, Cathy learns to stop obsessing over trivialities and finally loses some weight.[/li]
[li]Blondie: Mr. Dithers keels over from a heart attack, and his company goes out of business when its gross mismanagement and shady accounting practices come to light. Dagwood, out of a job, teams up with Blondie to start a business producing porn videos, the highlight of which is when Blondie and Tootsie make a Dagwood sandwich.[/li]
[li]Garfield: Jon, depressed at what a pathetic loser he is, decides to kill himself. Garfield sees him hanging from the ceiling with a rope around his neck, shrugs, and goes to the refrigerator to see if there’s any leftover lasagna.[/li]
[li]All the characters that have outlived their creators drop like marionettes with their strings cut and get off the comics page to make room for the next Calvin and Hobbes.[/li][/ul]
This was my take on what the last “Garfield” should be:
Garfield finds a bottle, pulls out the stopper, and a genie comes out. The genie announces that Garfield can have one wish. Just then Jon comes by looking and sounding even dorkier than usual. So Garfield asks “can you make Jon smart?” “A pretty tall order” concedes the genie, but he works his magic and then disappears in a puff of smoke.
Jon screams “AAUGH! OH MY GOD!! All these years, I’ve been a total imbecile!!” “Hey, it worked!” says Garfield. Jon then turns on Garfield: “You selfish, sadistic, arrogant bastard! I should have tortured you to death years ago!!” Final panel shows Jon chasing Garfield with a chainsaw, while Garfield is thinking “ULP! I didn’t mean that smart!”
I’m waiting for the strips in which they put “Marmaduke” and “Howard Huge” to sleep. 
• Ziggy The LSD wears off. 
• The Boondocks Huey’s grandfather confides a family secret: His parents were Moroccan industrialists who’s family fortune came from slave brokering in the 1850’s, and who were forced to emigrate to the United States after being caught funneling munitions to government loyalists in the Congo in the 1960s. Huey’s psyche collapses.
• Luann Luann moves to New York to try and pursue her dream of becoming a singer/actress. Five years later, her emaciated corpse is found in the East River. Cause of death was an apparent drug overdose.
OK, so I’m feeling moody today.
Ranchoth