I get almost all the references here and it’s crackin’ me up!
I can’t hear “surely” without making the obligatory Airplane reference. I also can’t hear or say “it’s not unusual” without busting out with Tom Jones whilst doing the Carlton dance.
Oh, and I heard the despair joke slightly different, with the punchline being that two guys show up, one with an eclair ond the other with a pear and they say “I’m fuckin’ dis custard and I’m deep in dis pear”.
When I hear Despair, I immediately think of the first place I ran into demotivational posters.
Nard (a perfectly good word for an aromatic ointment, and also something the Wolfman’s got)
Veterinarian
Stupid! You so stupid!
Innuendo, for a different reason. (It’s an Italian suppository!)
Barbituate.
Fluctuations
At least you only do it mentally! My spouse is becoming tired of being called a pig, I fear.
Obviously, we’re moving away from “common”, so I’ll go with:
Bulumba.
Most of the “Little Johnny” jokes end up doing that. Especially “urinate.” (but if your tits were bigger, you’d be a ten!)
R-value.
Why do pirates insulate their ships? For the-
Assume.
It’s a real word with a legitimate usage. Stop with the “you know what happens when you assume.”