Complicated situation at work. Have I overreacted?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

OK, so I previously wrote about receiving an unwanted promotion at work, and many Dopers have kindly suggested I take the Individual Contributor path. It’s a great option, but it’s not an available where I am, and even though I was averse to the entire idea of managing people, I sort of drifted into it and let it happen, and I became a manager for the first time in my life at the age of 37 and without prior experience or any kind of training.

The people I manage are all senior to me, both in credentials and age. And as a result of a contract win streak, we had to hire two more people, and I am now managing five people. I wrote before about how I didn’t want to handle the nonsense that comes with this kind of job, what with the administrative work, training, and ‘leadership’ requirements, and it turns out I was right, but for different reasons.

I am getting the job done as far as management is concerned. I start difficult conversations when I have to, I am not worried about saying no, and so on and so forth. The problem is that this made me hate and fear waking up for work. When I was doing the actual tactical execution, I was much happier. I went to bed reassured of my skill and delivery, and whatever burdens that lay ahead were measurable and thus ‘controllable’ in some sense. My job was a source of relief and a good place to go to when other aspects of my life were in the shit.

This is no longer the case, and it started to show. I had a couple of arguments with two people (not in my department), and I was reported to HR, who ran an investigation and gave me a verbal warning. I said I am fine with it, but I still wanted to fix the specific client campaign issue which led to the heated arguments in the first place, but no one was interested in that despite my warnings that this could lead to loss of account. Soon enough, I was proved right in the harshest way possible: the client emailed us and in no ambiguous terms said they are cancelling the contract due to the very specific issue I called out and warned about.

So this was investigated too, and the outcome of the investigation was something along the lines of: we’re here to help each other, so let’s do so better in the future. Some bullshit like that. It wasn’t a big deal that the issue ended with no accountability or any genuine interest in understanding what happened and fixing it, but it was one straw too many, and I lost my shit.

I emailed HR asking to be demoted to my previous position. They took two days and set up a meeting to tell me that leaving the position is possible, but that ‘management trusts me to lead the department’ if I still wanted to do so.

This is where I am right now. The problem with staying in this position is that it will sooner or later get me into a situation where I will without doubt yell again, and I can’t trust myself not to do so.

The other option, which is insisting to be demoted after they’ve given me their official response, could lead to the same outcome, but for different reasons, the most important of which is that the general manager (one of the two people I yelled at) will take that as a direct insult to her (for many reasons I can’t go through now) and will probably consider me too problematic to be in the junior position. Does this make any sense?

I don’t know what my next move is. Do you think I handled/am handling this well?

Sorry for the wall of text and thank you for reading.

2

We are only human, and sometimes our emotions can get the better of us. And that’s okay as long as you apologize. But yelling at your subordinates on the regular is NOT okay. If you truly can’t trust yourself not to yell in the future, then you probably shouldn’t be in the position.

That said, I’m a little dubious when people claim they can’t control their emotions. I used to have problems with my emotions in my marriage. I got counseling and learned to control my emotions and it wasn’t that hard. So I feel like everybody should be able to do it. But what do I know.

Anyway, wishing you the best of luck with your situation.

3

I would take the demotion and then look for new employment while you still can.

4

Question: how long have you been in this new position? Are there any projects you and your team have successfully completed? Sometimes you need to learn from your success, as well as from your failure.

Question 2: Why would your general manager take your demotion as an insult? Did she stick her neck out to get you the promotion. If so, thank her for giving you the opportunity, but you really don’t think you’re a good fit in the current job, and you’d like to stay with the company, so please demote you and no hard feelings. You might even suggest one of your team members as someone she could consider as a possible replacement.

And polish up your resume, just in case.

5

I think that management is often considered a better role than individual contributor is, by the decision makers, who by definition are all people who chose management over individual contributor.

But if you think of the people who created fields that are important to humanity, it’s more often the individual contributors than the managers you come up with. I guess Einstein and Newton and Mandelbrot and Kilby and all the other geniuses must have had managers of some form, but I haven’t a clue who a single one of them were. Nobody but NASA names things after managers.

We’re all different. I had some management roles by about 24 years ago, and I hated it, and moved back to individual contributor status, and never once regretted it.

From what you say, it sounds like they will let you move back to individual contributor status and stay with the organization if you want. I’m slightly confused, as you give two options that both sounded to me like they amounted to this same thing. But, that said, I think this is a great choice.

As to how well you are handling it, well, sounds like you’re handling being a manager like somebody “averse to the entire idea of managing people” would handle it, and you’re handling evaluating the situation and discussing how to improve it quite well.

By the way, you mention “I start difficult conversations when I have to, I am not worried about saying no, and so on and so forth.” These are important and valuable ways of contributing whether or not you’re a manager. They can remain important and valuable, and you may (if it’s OK with you) be called upon to do these things in an individual contributor role. (In my case, for example, I get asked by HR to help resolve issues of broken trust, help repair transgressions in diversity equity & inclusion, and help people transition genders, because I have a track record of being unusually good in these things, and I like doing them – even though I’m a physicist as my main role).

6

To me, you answered your own question with this one sentence. If 5 days a week you are waking up with anxiety about what your day is going to be like, you have to make a change. I have learned the hard way on two occasions that no job is worth that level of stress. In both situations, when I finally let go and made a change, my only regret was not doing it much sooner.

7

Sounds like more than mere “arguments.”

You have a choice: you either need a major attitude adjustment, or you need to insist on a demotion.

On the former: regardless of what happens at work, it’s not worth getting upset over it. You’re taking it way too seriously. It’s just a job. Roll with it.

8

I think you need to be more like this Sharlto Copley…

Less like this one.

One thing that new managers often fail to realize is that managing is more about people and relationships than executing tasks. Especially now that we no longer work in environments where the manager knows everything about everything and dictates tasks in a hierarchical fashion. A modern manager has to know how to motivate and get the best out of the people on their team (who are typically more knowledgeable in their particular area of expertise), deal with clients, senior management, and other stakeholders.

Screaming and “losing your shit” isn’t the best way to do that. And at most places where I’ve worked, if you do that, you won’t have to worry about having your “demotion” go through.

So I think you need to take a deep look at yourself and decide whether managing a department is a new and unfamiliar role you want to grow into. Or, if you fundamentally just want to be an individual contributor/SME.

9

This. You’ve put yourself in a position of conspicuousness. People will be watching. Corporations don’t like to see their plans not work out. You going back to your old position makes “them” look bad. Take your demotion but actively, yet secretly look for another job.

10

Please talk to HR about the opportunity to learn to control your temper. There’s lots of help out there.

Next, ask management to clearly state what they want and expect from you as a manager. Explain that you were happier as an independent contributor and why.

Also clarify how frustrating it is to not be listened to by others and underline that because your contribution was ignored, the company lost a client. That’s pretty huge, in my mind. Are they going to address that issue? How? If not, definitely look for another company. And when you leave, tell them why.

11

If you are hating and fearing waking up for work then you need a change!!

12

OP, this is based only on your post so I don’t mean this as a blanket statement. But in the post, there’s a pattern of avoiding responsibility - the promotion just kind of happened, losing your temper just kind of happened, none of it was really in your control. That attitude isn’t going to serve you well whether you take a management role or go back to individual contributor.

An independent investigation of the yelling incident pointed to a problem big enough to give you a warning. Multiple other people looked into the reasons for a client’s departure and came up with a plan of action that differs from what you want. It is possible that you alone see the problem and know the best solution to this. It is also possible that these other people, with more management experience and apparently more management skills, have a better approach. I don’t know the details, so I can’t say which is which. But consider the possibility that you aren’t right in this case.

I know this doesn’t help with your question about sticking with management or taking a demotion. But again, if you can’t address these problems, neither path is going to work out well.

13

Or that even if you are right, it’s not a reason to lose your temper. It’s a frustrating position to be in, but make your argument as best as you can, then go with the consensus. Being “that guy” who insists he is absolutely right at top volume, even when he does turn out to be right, isn’t going to do yourself any favors.

14

Good gosh no. Get help if you need it, sure, but don’t get it from HR. HR is not your friend.

15

why look for a new job (assuming he liked his old role) … given the current state of affairs in the jobmarket, nobody is going to fire somebody unless they really,really have to … which is not the case here.

go back to where you were and be happy.

16

HR is a function of The Man. You were promoted into a job you did not want, got into an argument, reported to HR, and want to be demoted back to your old job.

Start looking for a new job in a different company, post haste. You are now a liability to your present employer.

17

I’ll second this: never go to HR. They are not there to help you, despite what they claim.

Ehh, I think it’s a recoverable situation. He just needs to keep his head down for a while.

18

I agree with this. But, it certainly won’t hurt to look. Unless you look very publicly. Some evil HRs (and not all are evil) do track their employee status on LinkedIn to see if they are searching.

19

I would keep my head down and look to see if there are other jobs with your competitors. It doesn’t hurt to have options and spruce up your resume. If you’re unhappy where you work, make some kind of change, either while remaining at the company, or elsewhere.

20

Thank you all. I read all the comments carefully and am considering the next move based on this feedback. Thank you very much.