My first husband cheated about six weeks after we got married. He told me about it almost immediately, cried and begged forgiveness.
I was more angry that he told me than I was at the one-night (rather, one hour) stand. Really – what was the point? If it’s a one time thing and you’re sorry and you don’t intend to do it again, keep it to yourself.
We were married for 27 years before he died, and while I never threw it up to him, I never forgot about it, that he cared so little about my feelings that he’d tell me about a meaningless sexual encounter.
ETA: I wonder how many confessions truly come from guilt/wanting to be honest, etc. I suspect more than a few are from people who are saying “Hey, look! I’m attractive to someone else. You’d better appreciate me”.
I know you aren’t a cheater. But you are convinced that if you cheated, you would cheat again. Or that someone who does cheat, would cheat again. And that there are no mistakes or accidents or errors in judgment - your position has read to me as being fairly absolute. Cheaters cheat.
This is not “would you trust your spouse” - this is “if you cheat, should you confess.” So, if YOU cheat, you shouldn’t bother to confess, since you’ve already decided its a failure condition - cheaters are disrespectful of their spouse by defintion, and likely to repeat the offense. If your spouse cheats, they should confess, but its a failure condition for you since why would you remain married to someone who is purposely hurtful and disrespectful and likely to repeat the offense.
For me, if I’m the cheating spouse (I’m not), I’d have to look at the conditions. If it was a reprocussionless one time thing, I wouldn’t confess and put my spouse through the hurt. Reprocussionless is one of the terms of this exercise. I don’t believe that cheating is necessarily a failure condition, but I also don’t believe that I need to give my spouse unnecessary pain unless disclosure is warranted.
If I’ve been cheated on by my spouse, I want him to run the same exercise. If its a reprocussionless “error in judgment” that he is unlikely to repeat, I don’t want the hurt or to strain our relatively happy and secure marriage with doubt. Again, I don’t want my spouse to give me unnecessary pain unless the disclosure is warranted.
Is there a chance spouse has an STD or has conceived a child? Maybe, in which case I’ll find out eventually and confession needs to occur - but that is part of the risk analysis done when considering the action taken. If its a fairly low risk, no.
Wow. Kindly stop putting words in my mouth, thanks. At no point was I discussing myself as a potential cheater. It’s not a part of my character to cheat.
Obviously, for those who do cheat, it is a part of their character.
The question directed at me, that I was answering, was why I’d not deal with Prudie’s supplicant as though I expected her to reform. Which I’ve already answered.
This has always been my thought. I am reminded of Tom Cruise in “The Firm” when he told his wife that he had cheated. She said, “Why did you tell me?” He said “I wanted you to know.”
Strange, but…strange. Even from Tom Cruise.