Surprise surprise, but I think I have a right to know whom I’m dealing with in our marriage. I’m not saying that a one-night stand would end the relationship, but I think I should have some say in how serious I think the issue is, considering I’m a part of the relationship, as well. The same goes if I commit the violation – my SO has a right to know.
Unless the two parties have had specific discussions about how to handle such a situation already, I don’t think it makes sense for a person who has just committed such an (egregious, in my opinion) error in judgment should then consider themselves sound enough to judge whether their partner needs to know about it.
To me, whatever you are patching and fixing isn’t the same relationship that I agreed to. To quote a smart person, “Don’t I have the right to decide who I want to be married to?”
The cheated-upon deserves to know who he married.
He deserves to know how broken his marriage is (cheating doesn’t happen in a healthy marriage).
He deserves the opportunity to decide for himself what he can live with, what he can’t, and what he wants to work through (or not).
The cheater already deprived him of that choice once. Doing it again isn’t going to “save” their marriage. That’s like refusing to go to the doctor because you’re afraid of what you might find out. Not going to the doctor doesn’t make you healthy if you’re not. It does allow the illness to remain under the radar, and avoid treatment, quite possibly until it’s too late to fix it.
Yes, it might destroy the marriage. Well, duh, that’s what cheating does. If you can’t live with that, don’t cheat.
My husband had a lengthy emotional affair with a woman via phone and email (he worked with her, she was in a different state). I found out about it by snooping in his email one night after becoming suspicious of peculiar behavior in the previous months (lack of any affection, on his computer CONSTANTLY, apathetic, distracted, uninvolved in our family life). Of course, I confronted him and he denied it, until I whipped out the printed email and then he had to admit it. Of course, he says it was “nothing”, it was just “lip service”. The lie of omission is FAR more damaging than the affair. I wish he had come to me and told me. The withholding is what I can not part with, the complete and total betrayel of trust and respect. It’s been 2 years now and I still don’t see him the same way. We’ve done counseling, etc… he thinks I should be “over this”. During the course of that going on, I would beg for him to talk to me, tell me what is going on, communicate with me, be open and honest and his reply every time was that “absolutely nothing is wrong, everything is fiine”. It’s most frightening how confidently he was able to lie about this, showing no regret except when caught.
I like the letter further down the page - Q. Helping Raise Racist Children. I had to look twice at that one! (See, she doesn’t want them to be racist; she’s not looking for advice on how to racist-up your kids.)
I’d have to go with fess up and take your lumps, too. You did the crime, now do the time.
There is a consensus in the world of (psychology?) that a woman confessing an affair to a husband has a high probability of breaking up a marriage. Whether that’s true or not, I don’t know. But an isolated case which would never be discovered is not worth the risk. The confession will hurt the spouse. I do question whether cases like these would really be isolated, or even if so, if there are issues that would eventually emerge as problems anyway. Best bet is stay faithful, or don’t promise to do so.
However I did tell my children, “What I don’t know won’t hurt you”. Of course children should be expected to test boundaries once in a while, and my point was that if they were going to do that, to make sure they didn’t do anything of such magnitude that it would cause notice and be relayed back to me (and explained that to them).
If the options are a) remain ignorant of a one night stand or b) be told about the one night stand, then I’m not sure I could argue that I’d “want to know,” because knowing would likely end the relationship. Yes, I want my partner to be truthful with me, but, as I don’t know that she’s already lied to/deceived me, I also want my relationship to continue.
If I’m going to find out anyway, I’d want it to come from her, but if it’s a situation where I am guaranteed to not find out on my own (ie, no other symptoms of failing relationship), well, keep me in the dark.
People who confess to one night stands are usually motivated by guilt; they lay the guilt on the innocent party and tell themselves they’ve done everything they could to make it right. In fact, they’ve made is as wrong as can be. My advice would be to keep your mouth shut and live live with what you did.
What it would accomplish is to let me make an informed decision about whether or not I want to be in this relationship. That’s my decision to make. Mine, not yours. Yes, I’ll probably decide against being in the relationship, and that’s a likelihood you should have considered prior to sticking your dick in someone else.
Essentially, who the everloving fuck do you (the general you) think you are to decide what is or isn’t a big deal to me?
I think people here are all presenting their own perspectives if they were the ones being cheated on. Where do you get that we’re all imposing something on you?
I’m happy in my relationship. I would be unhappy to learn my wife had cheated. If she had cheated and I never found out, I would continue to be happy. I think I prefer that.
The infidelity isn’t a recurring phenomenon, but a one-nighter or brief affair that’s over and buried.
The only way the other spouse will learn of the affair is if the unfaithful spouse confesses his/her infidelity.
Given those assumptions, NO. Don’t tell. Here’s one way it might well play out:
The cheater goes in with a load on his (let’s assume his, so I don’t have to double the pronouns) mind. He confesses, and - in that conversation, at least - his spouse forgives him. He’s absolved.
But now she’s the one with the load on her mind, the one who’s got mental images running through her head of him with another woman.
So confessing has switched the burdens - as far as the cheater is concerned, it’s out in the open, he’s forgiven, he’s absolved, everything’s hunky-dory again. And the spouse who was cheated on is carrying a burden and experiencing a lot of pain that she wasn’t before.
So fuck that shit. The sinner should be the one to carry the burden of his sins, not his spouse.
The assumptions are important, though. If the unfaithful spouse is a serial cheater, then the other spouse needs to know, so s/he can decide whether to put up with that, or whether to leave. And if the other spouse may well find out anyway, it’s important to hear it from the unfaithful spouse, rather than through the grapevine.
I think the cheating spouse should always confess regardless of how long the affair was. To me, having an affair is a completely betrayal of trust. I don’t care if it’s a one night stand. Keeping it secret would be like keeping secret that they were are murder. I don’t want to married to that person anymore, period, end of story. I couldn’t care less if they are sorry won’t do it again.
However, the only time I think a cheating spouse should not immediately confess is when they have kids and the affair was a one-time thing and the cheater has truly changed themselves. But once the kids are grown up, the cheater should confess regardless. If the cheater is a serial cheater, they should confess immediately regarless of the kid situation.
The destruction from the exposure of the affair will be very damaging to the children. That’s why I feel that if the affair is in the past, it’s worth waiting until the children are more grown up and can better deal with the fallout emotionally. The damaging effect to a 20-year-old is going to be much less severe than to a 12-year-old.
For those of you who would choose to remain ignorant of cheating, would you feel the same way if your spouse committed some other lapse in judgment?
Say they went out for some drinks while you’re away on business, had a few too many, and got popped for a DUI on the way home. Assume for the sake of the hypothetical that they get off with fines and/or probation, that you have completely separate auto insurance policies, etc.
Would you rather they keep their DUI to themselves, or told you about it?
I just can’t think of any circumstance in which I want to be lied to for my own good. “I’m going to lie to you for the sake of our marriage.” What marriage? The one I thought I had that doesn’t exist or the one that I do have that I’m not aware of?
If someone conceals a one night stand “for the sake of the marriage,” how about two one night stands? How is that different, if it is? How about a long-term affair? The marriage is still in danger. The spouse doesn’t know. How about a series of affairs? The spouse doesn’t know.
If the marriage was so important, why wasn’t it the first consideration before the cheating started? Why was it only after the cheating that suddenly the marriage is the most important thing? Isn’t that suspiciously self-serving?
I just don’t get why the other spouse doesn’t need to know so they can decided whether to put up with that or whether to leave at any point.
I mean sure, if someone says, “Honey, if you have a one-night stand don’t tell me,” then fine, don’t tell them. I wouldn’t marry that person because I’m not comfortable in that scenario, but other people can choose to have different marriages.
For me, if I cheated and I knew my spouse would no longer love me if he knew, well, the truth is that my spouse doesn’t love me. He loves a fiction.
Anyone who thinks resolving something as seriously damaging as cheating is that easy is – to put it as nicely as I can – extremely naive. (And self-serving.)
Word.
I’ll add that I’ve never known “It was just a one-time thing and it won’t happen again” to be anything but a bald-faced lie.
Just out of curiousity, how common do people think it is for someone to cheat exactly one time? I think it is rare and that people tend to either cheat or not cheat. Therefore, if I was the cheater I would not confess and if I was the cheatee, I would want to know so I could end the relationship. That may be reason number 112 why I am not married.
