I dunno. My 1st wife cheated, I never have and never will cheat. I answered “no.”
I should have said “That leaves a minority of people who might vote the other way” instead of saying “will”.
Wow, this is a tough one for me and I don’t know how to vote. On the one hand, if it really was a one time thing, I would never want to know. But on the other, if she fessed up, and the circumstances are such that I can truly be convinced it was a ‘one time’ thing, I think we could work through it. On the other hand, if she didn’t tell me, and I found out about it through a friend, that would almost surely be a deal breaker, which hardly seems fair given the first two scenarios I laid out.
I can definitely separate a one time sexual fling from a real affair, not that one is any less bad than the other in the grand scheme of things, but the latter indicates a real difference in the behavior of the cheater and likely means the marriage is unsalvageable. Even with the one time fling, I would have to have some kind of method for checking up on her moving forward in addition to earning back my trust. I would also feel like I automatically had one get out of jail free card of my own if I ever had the same problem. Ironically, it’s my own “getting even” attitude that would probably ultimately doom the marriage because I definitely am the type of guy to hold a grudge.
Well, because you had a very good life, I guess. You’d been happy. You’d been loved, as far as you could tell. The past had been the past.
If you want to stand on principle, fine, but I just don’t think it’s possible for me to say that, no matter how happy I’ve been and how good my relationship with my partner has been, I’d drop her in a minute if I found out she’d been unfaithful to me once ten years ago. That doesn’t seem right, and it damn sure doesn’t seem wise.
The above hypothetical does change, for me, if the cheating is recent. Then I’d have so much doubt about the relationship going forward that it would be best to call it off. If we had ten years of a good relationship intervening, I’d be stupid to throw that away.
For the record, I’ve never cheated on anyone I’ve been in a relationship with, nor have I come particularly close to doing so.
I think I feel exactly the same as Ms. Prudie. I used to be a hard-core Truth At All Times! advocate, but reality is beginning to get in the way of that kind of impractical idealism. Lying is not ideal, but Prudie is right. Live with your mistake, and never do it again.
My husband and I would not break up because of infidelity. We like each other too much. That said, I really don’t see us ever facing infidelity, either: we like each other too much.
If it came down to it, I am 99% sure he wouldn’t confess to me because of the exact reasons **rtfirefly **cites: he’d see the burden as his own. I really don’t know which I would prefer, but I am willing to be married to him knowing that’s how he thinks, so I must be okay with that. I’d probably confess to him, but I wouldn’t be sure it was the right thing to do. I’d be motivated as much by a desire to relieve my guilt as to be honest, and any attempt to dress it up would be sophistry: regardless, I’d be telling him–the honesty argument would just make me feel better about it.
I have. Maybe that’s the difference.
The article says “I went out with a former friend for drinks and we slept together that night”.
The cheated upon deserves to at least know he’s married to a flake. Someone who will so easily cheat will do it again. Yeah, they’ll feel bad, but it will happen again.
Thank you, ma’am.
How can the promise never to do it again carry any more weight than the promise not to do it the first time, said promise carrying no weight at all?
I can understand where you’re coming from. The happiness of the past is built from the happiness of the future. But I think in this case it depends on your ability to forgive and forget.
If you can truly forgive and put it behind you, then you can have a great future with the person. It may make sense that you wouldn’t want your partner to tell. It would just be a momentary bit of pain but then you’d move on. Why put yourself through that pain?
But for me, I would not be able to forget. The future would be forever tainted with regrets and doubts and regular checking up. I know who I am and I know that’s how it would be, regardless of how happy we were or had been. My life from that point is to split up or live with daily negative thoughts about my situation.
This is the part that keeps bugging me. How does the person who screwed up the first time (and, presumably, unexpectedly to him) know that he’s never going to screw up again? How many times does that person get to say, “Well, I’m not going to tell my spouse because THAT’LL never happen again”?
I’m thinking the spouse is way worse off hearing, “Honey, I just cheated on you. Um, for the second time. I fucked up about six months ago, but I didn’t tell you because I was sure I was never going to do it again.” Not only did the spouse not get to be aware of the problem, but she didn’t get to help work toward a solution. Where is the “partnership” in this?
Seconded.
If my husband had a one night stand five years ago, felt bad about it, and never repeated it, I don’t think I’d want to know. I’d never feel the same way about him, and it would destroy our marriage and result in our children living through a divorce.
I also don’t buy the argument “once a cheater, always a cheater”, or that the fact that someone cheats once is a damning indictment of their character. People make mistakes. I “cheated” on a boyfriend once (kissing only), and I felt so horrible about it there is no way I would ever repeat it. I can completely buy that there are some people who might cheat once in a moment of weakness, resolve to never do it again, and abide by that. In that case, I don’t think there’s necessarily anything to be gained by telling the partner. If it’s serial behaviour, that’s a different story.
And the cheater is welcome to reality when he “discovers” that it just ain’t so.
I don’t know how that can be naive when that’s an honest assessment of the cheaters I’ve had personal experience with (both my past relationship and the relationships of friends).
Your personal experience may be different. You may have known one-time cheaters (although I remain skeptical – more likely they got better at lying), but I haven’t. I have not known “I won’t do it again” to be anything but a lie. There’s no lack of truth to my statement.
Exactly.
What are you asking me here? How can one’s promise to himself carry any weight if he’s broken a promise to himself in the past?
I assume the promise not to cheat was to the SO in the past. But yeah, sort of. Just saying “Wow. Glad I didn’t get caught. I’ll never do *that *again” isn’t much of promise, considering that promise breaking appears to come naturally.
If I made a solemn promise to you not to do X, and broke that promise, the only honorable thing to do is to come clean and let the chips fall where they may. The alternative means living a lie.
No, it’s not much of a promise, but to you there is no distinction between your given scenario and the one in the letter written in Miss Prudence? Anyway, in response to this notion that one cannot meaningfully promise oneself something because of past lapses in keeping personal promises, I’m not buying it. That would mean only the word of someone who has never erred is to be trusted. Sometimes people with good follow-through say they’re going to do something, but then not do it. Does that mean you can never believe they’re going to do what they say again? Sometimes honest people lie. Does that mean you can never believe anything they tell you because they’ve lied before? Sometimes you’re gonna have to use your noodle in evaluating who is untrustworthy and who is a good person who made a mistake. This applies to self-evaluating as well.
How can anyone promise that over the course of a lifetime marriage, they will never cheat? And, perhaps, someone who has made a mistake, and TRULY regrets his mistake and recognizes that a one night stand was not worth risking his marriage over might be able to make that promise more confidently than someone who “never, in a million years” but wonders a little.
People make that promise all the time. I guess I see that as being part of standard wedding vows, when someone says that they promise to remain faithful. I certainly don’t think it’s easy to remain mistake-free for your entire life, but if you hadn’t promised to be faithful, then why would it even be a mistake to begin with? I guess I don’t really understand your question, here.
That might be true. People ARE human and make mistakes. This is why I said that an act of infidelity doesn’t automatically spell the end of a marriage – at least, not in my eyes.
But I think it’s up to BOTH individuals in the marriage to decide how important the breaking of a vow by one party is. Even outside of infidelity, I’m having a hard time imagining ANY situation where my spouse broke a promise to me, and I’d prefer for her to decide for me how important that broken promise should be.
If Mr Panda had a 1 night stand, I would NOT want to know. He has told me the same thing.
That said - if he did and I found out about it … I’m not sure it’d automatically mean divorce. I’d be furious, of course, and hurt … but as BAD as adultery is … damn … I can think of worse things he could do than have an affair.
As wonderful of a husband as Mr. Panda has been, and as great of a father … would I divorce him and break up our kid’s home, no questions, asked, over ONE mistake? Having never cheated, or been cheated ON (that I know of), I can only speculate … but I can think of better reasons to divorce than one indiscretion on one night out of 12 years of marriage.
That’s just me.