Confessions of a Consignment Store Clerk

[look_ninjas]

To all my beloved consignors: All right, all right, I give. I confess. I am a horrible, horrible person, and I’m living a lie. Here you will find a list of all the things I’ve done to hurt you.

*I like saying no. It’s true. I love it. There’s nothing I enjoy more than seeing the looks on your faces when I reject your clothing. Especially when you then proceed to bitch at me for fifteen minutes about the fact that I said no. I eat it up like candy. Really.

*I don’t do any work. At all. Ever. The work is done by super-intelligent gnomes. I just lay around, read Cosmo, and eat bonbons. All day.

*The laws of physics don’t apply to consignment stores. It’s true. Really. There is a tiny rip in the interdimensional fabric in the back room of the store. I can hold infinite amounts of clothing back there until the gnomes get around to putting them out. I just don’t feel like it. Besides, I like to say no.

*No one wants J. Crew, or Gap, or even Gucci. Everyone wants Faded Glory and other Wal-Mart brands. But the gnomes don’t approve of Wal-Mart, so I can’t take it. And again, the whole no thing really gets me off.

*There is also an enormous demand for used underwear. No one wants clean, unworn, fresh underwear. They want the old ones. Especially the plastic-lined ones that kids wear while toilet-training, the ones that have been peed in a hundred times. But I don’t like them. So we don’t take them.

*I steal your clothes when you leave them with me. Really. Not the good stuff, though, not the Earl Jeans or the Hobo bags or anything else. I like the polyester elastic-waist pleated pants with tapered legs. Oh, and pilly, ugly sweaters with little Scottie Dogs on them. I have a vault of them in the interdimensional tear. I roll around in them like Scrooge McDuck.

*Despite my persistent refusal to take the ugly, out-of-fashion, stained, nasty clothes that people want; despite even my constant theft, the store is raking in money hand over fist. Millions of dollars every year. Why don’t you see that money? Meh. We don’t feel like sharing. Besides, I’ve got gnomes to feed.

It’s true, ladies. It’s all true. I’m a horrible, evil person who says no to you for kicks. I steal, and I lie, and I’m lazy. I’m everything you think I am. I deserve punishment. So why don’t you really show me? Take all your clothing to XYZ Consignment. They’ll take everything. On every day of the week. Whether they’re supposed to be open or closed. I’ll just be back here, with the gnomes, crying, as my business collapses around my ears. Really.

[Happy_Scrappy_Hero_Pup]

I knew it!

[Shirley_Ujest]

*There is also an enormous demand for used underwear. No one wants clean, unworn, fresh underwear.

The Japanese have vending machines that sell used ( possibly soiled) underwear.
look!ninjas you forgot to mention the fact you are secretly hording all the Walmart/Kathy Ireland/Jacqueline Smith clothing for yourself.

[Beware_of_Doug]

Don’t try this in New York with men’s suits, even very good ones. When I lost my suit gig 15 years ago I tried peddling my wardrobe to some Cawfee Tawk lady in a pokey storefront on a side street in the East 70s. I’d laid out some buxx for tasteful, elegant, muted threads and they had about 18 months of wearing time on them, but the problem was “labels,” said Ms. Verklempt. “My customehs want laaabels.” Brooks Bros.? Pffft. Hickey-Freeman? Forget it. Even Polo, for gosh sakes. No go all the way down the line. In what cawfee-tawking subculture are these not “labels”?

[Jeffr062]

Thatnks for the warning

[SleepyDuck]

@Shirley Ujest

The Japanese have vending machines that sell used ( possibly soiled) underwear.

Yes, but from 15 year old girls

And besides, the Japanese have vending machines for everything.

[Little_Nemo]

Despite my persistent refusal to take the ugly, out-of-fashion, stained, nasty clothes that people want; despite even my constant theft, the store is raking in money hand over fist. Millions of dollars every year. Why don’t you see that money? Meh. We don’t feel like sharing. Besides, I’ve got gnomes to feed.

Finally we have the missing piece of the puzzle

1. Underpants
2. Ninjas
3. Profits!

[look_ninjas]

@Beware of Doug

Don’t try this in New York with men’s suits, even very good ones. When I lost my suit gig 15 years ago I tried peddling my wardrobe to some Cawfee Tawk lady in a pokey storefront on a side street in the East 70s. I’d laid out some buxx for tasteful, elegant, muted threads and they had about 18 months of wearing time on them, but the problem was “labels,” said Ms. Verklempt. “My customehs want laaabels.” Brooks Bros.? Pffft. Hickey-Freeman? Forget it. Even Polo, for gosh sakes. No go all the way down the line. In what cawfee-tawking subculture are these not “labels”?

You’d be amazed at how many people wouldn’t recognize Brooks Brothers, let alone Hickey-Freeman. Frankly, I’m not all that good at recognizing labels, and what I have learned, I’ve learned from my job.

But you should never give up after just one store. Everyone’s got different policies, and everyone has a different clientele. You’ve just got to find the store that’s a good fit.

[wolf_in_second_hand_clothing]

You forgot that we have a comlete mental inventory of everything that has ever passed through the store.
Also, any reluctance to pick out or set aside items for a customer while he tells you over the phone what he likes is solely due to spite.

[The_Mad_Hermit]

Here’s another:

“Oh, can you take these boxes of kids’ toys? I don’t have time to sort them out, get what you can from them.”

Gee, it would be nice if they were actual toys, not bits and pieces of broken toys, half chewed candy, loose flash cards and Pokemon trading cards, dead batteries, and as much floor dirt as you could fit in the ripped and disintegrating cardboard box.

When you call back every couple days to find out how much the “toys” have sold for, since they’re obviously valuable and people are lined up for them, you are so insulted when I ask you to take them back. When you show up, make sure to claim there were other items in the box, and I’m ripping you off because you couldn’t be bothered to actually see what you put in the box.

Don’t forget to make riduculous price claims, as your junk is so much better than everyone else’s, and see that line of people waiting for the stuff? They would gladly pay the same for your used pans as the new ones at Wal-Mart.

One other thing- don’t clean the spit and other droolings from the baby stuff you bring in, I have plenty of time to clean it all up for you, especially if you decide you don’t want to sell it when you see how much better it looks when cleaned up. That applies to other stuff as well, I love removing mud, dust, and grime- especially leftover food crust in kitchenware.

And people wonder why I went out of business.

[Sean_Factotum]

Where can I get some of those gnomes? I’ve got a garage and an attic full of crap that my new family has been hoarding over the last twenty years. Can you send these gnomes over to get it all, and sell it at your store. And I won’t take “no” for an answer. Because this isthe first time I’ve tried to sell anything at a Consignment store, and even though you’ve worked there, I still know better than you what will sell.

[JohnBckWLD]

@The Mad Hermit

Here’s another:

Don’t climb into the charity drop off bins you see in supermarket paking lots to steal the good stuff. Not only is the practice highly unethical, those dumpsters are like lobster traps; easy to climb into and difficult to escape from.

[Motorgirl]

@JohnBckWLD

Don’t climb into the charity drop off bins you see in supermarket paking lots to steal the good stuff. Not only is the practice highly unethical, those dumpsters are like lobster traps; easy to climb into and difficult to escape from.

When you find someone caught in one of the bins, how do you generally price them? Are they expensive? Do you find they sell quickly?

[look_ninjas]

@Sean Factotum

Where can I get some of those gnomes? I’ve got a garage and an attic full of crap that my new family has been hoarding over the last twenty years. Can you send these gnomes over to get it all, and sell it at your store. And I won’t take “no” for an answer. Because this isthe first time I’ve tried to sell anything at a Consignment store, and even though you’ve worked there, I still know better than you what will sell.

Gnomes don’t like to travel. They get carsick really easily. You’ll have to get some gnomes of your own to take them over to me.

Mad Hermit - You forgot the Happy Meal toys. And the occasional super-fun bouncy ball.

JohnBckWLD - That reminds me - I forgot to admit that anything that looks like a dumpster is, in fact, a dropoff box for the store I work in. It doesn’t matter if it says “Private Property: No Dumping” or “Cardboard Only” or “Transfer Station Recycling: Newsprint and Magazines;” those all go to us. And I’ve never ever had to explain to an angry neighbor why there’s a garbage bag full of old candle ends, picture frames, and ladies’ sweatshirts in their trash. Ever.

[SnakesCatLady]

Oh yes - the box at the Humane Society that has “newspaper only” stenciled on the side in ten inch letters is really where we want you to put your dog when there is no one there in the middle of the night.

[Maus_Magill]

@Snakescatlady

Oh yes - the box at the Humane Society that has “newspaper only” stenciled on the side in ten inch letters is really where we want you to put your dog when there is no one there in the middle of the night.

I sincerely hope I’m being whooshed here.

Or am I the only one who pays attention to the signage on dumpsters?

look!ninjas, What you really need is another diaper genie.

[Baker]

Maus, you aren’t being wooshed I think.

I know the staff at our local shelter gets really frustrated when folks just dump animals after hours. Come back in the morning and find a couple boxes of kittens or something. Idiots won’t get their cat spayed, and are ashamed to bring the litters in. Happens with puppies and dogs too, just not as much.

[alice_in_wonderland]

Oh my god. I think you’re me.

The owners of the store that I work at have a fantasy involving winning the lottery, sitting on the counter, and when one of those stunned bitches comes in a whines “Even though I bought it in 1986 it was really expensive and I can’t believe you’re not taking iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit!” they can look at her and go “Fek off.”

[The_Mad_Hermit]

@JohnBckWLD

Don’t climb into the charity drop off bins you see in supermarket paking lots to steal the good stuff. Not only is the practice highly unethical, those dumpsters are like lobster traps; easy to climb into and difficult to escape from.

What?

I can see why you posted this in the thread, but why did you quote me? Was it just for the “here’s another” or am I missing something?

You forgot the Happy Meal toys. And the occasional super-fun bouncy ball.

And the shoe, sock, and/or diaper/underwear mixed in the bottom. (Never a clean, unused pair.) Oh yeah, and most of it is covered with crayon or magic marker.

[Skywatcher]

@SleepyDuck

And besides, the Japanese have vending machines for everything.

I bet they can’t do whole pizzas.