Background for what I’m about to say: My parents are quasi-observant reform Jews - synagogue on Yom Kippur and Rosh Hashana, candles/wine/challah every Friday night. I’ve been raised Jewish, but have basically rejected it as a religion for me.
I had a bat mitzvah ceremony when I was 13. No say in the matter: I never even felt that I could bring up the topic of not having a bat mitzvah. It was assumed I wanted to and was happy with it, while in reality, I’d been questioning my ‘religious beliefs’ for about a year.
I have a feeling I’m not going to be popular for saying this, but I think that the tradition of bar/bat mitzvah is just stupid. A 13-year-old is just starting (ideally, has started) to think for themselves on issues like religion and spirituality. I think it’s fine for a parent to raise their children within a religion, but they must explain that there are other faiths out there, and it’s fine if something else feels right. This was never the case in my household. My mother was raised Catholic (never fully converted to Judaism, in fact), and we always went to mass with my relatives on Christmas eve. It made me really question a lot of things: basically, why do we do this? The catholics in my family are very strong in their beliefs, which confused me as a kid. They do this, we do this, why? There was never a chance to ask this question. Thus, I assumed that everyone just did what their parents did. I think this is a common trap - at such a young age, someone can’t decide whether or not they want to commit themselves to a certain faith.
Fast foward a few years. My parents did not allow me to not continue in my religious education: I attended confirmation classes for the next three years. I hated it. At first, just because I had no say in it, then because it conflicted with my tae kwon do classes (and eventually, because my rabbi turned out to be a bigotted ass, but that’s a different story). My parents refused to take that as a reason to let me ever skip class - me being confirmed was far more important to them then the fact that TKD was (is, really) one of the most important things in my life. My 'rents knew I was not friends with more than one or two people (despite my efforts) in my class, and disliked the rabbi, but That Didn’t Matter. I was Jewish, and That was That. I was confirmed in the spring of 02, and I have not set foot within a synagogue since.
When parents take it as a right to force their child to try and accept a religion, they’re attempting to dictate their child’s thought process. I went through an athiest, anti-religion phase right after my bat mitzvah, simply because Judaism and Catholicism were all I’d been exposed to, and I didn’t like either. My parents attempts to make me accept their faith ended up turning me away from it, which I doubt will ever change. Forcing a child into it if they don’t want it will make said child associate that religion with displeasure, which is not at all what the goal is.
If a child wants to pledge something to a religion, by all means, let them. But it can’t be taken seriously. A 13-year-old cannot legally enter a contract, and expecting them to decide their spiritual future is ridiculous. However, a 13-year-old is able to know “No, this doesn’t feel right.” Religion is based on how if feels - like trying on shoes. You try on a couple, and end up with one that just feels best. It shouldn’t be expected that a child will want to follow their parent’s religious footsteps.
Something I’ve noticed, though, is that if a child does choose to take their own spiritual path instead of mindlessly following their parents, the parents are very likely to take it as a personal insult to their parenting skills. My parents are still convinced that the reason I don’t consider myself a Jew is because they did something wrong. I see it as a compliment to them: they raised a daughter who is capable of thinking for herself and following her heart. My heart has led me to Buddhism. My parents counter that, that it’s possible to be a Jewish Buddhist, and one cannot, in fact, ‘stop’ being Jewish. I disagree - if my mother can stop being Catholic, I can stop being Jewish if it doesn’t fit me right - same as someone can stop being Muslim, Hindu, Buddhist, Protestant, etc.
If a parent sees it as their right to force their child to pledge their allegience to anything, that’s a sign that something is wrong. That means they’re not acknowledging their child as an intelligent, thinking being. I say, in short, back off and let the kid decide, when they’re ready, what they want.
