Something I’ve noticed on Facebook, which I realize is not exactly the height of social interaction, but it bothered me.
I’ve known several girls who announce their pregnancy on facebook, and then get a plethora of congratulations. Often times, I join in.
But, I’ve noticed that when an unmarried, single girl, who got knocked up on a one-night stand, doesn’t even known the sperm donor’s full name, and further has no degree and no real* job, make the announcement, she still gets the congratulations.
Now, I never say anything, because that would be rude, but my thoughts were echoed exactly once, by the sister of one of these girls “What!? You aren’t married and have a crap job, how is this a good thing!?”
Of course, the response to this was generally “don’t listen to the haters, congratulations!”. And I can’t help but think that congratulations are really not in order in this situation.
Am I alone in thinking this? Can someone enlighten me on the thought process behind “You just made your life and the life of your future child MUCH harder, so congrats!”? Or is it just pregnant=congrats, no matter the circumstances?
real is here defined as a better than minimum wage job that one can make a career out of. So, hostess at a restaurant (and no more than that) doesn’t count, as do the truly unemployed.
Nope, not at all. I would never bash the mother to be, but I do not offer congratulations, and if I was asked my opinion directly by the girl, I would counsel abortion.
There was some outrage several years ago in my Regional Girl Scout organization, because a couple of the troops decided as a service project to have a big group baby shower for teen mothers. Now, I have no problem with soliciting donations, organizing medical information, something like that for these girls, but a party with decorations and games and hearty congratulations? Nope.
Eh, if she’s made the decision to keep the kid (and often people wait until it’s almost too late to get an abortion to announce it anyway), then I figure it’s up to the community to make the best of it.
You don’t want to end up punishing the baby for the mother’s unfortunate choices, and I think it’s best for the baby if his/her birth is celebrated as much as any other baby’s. Of course, the Facebook post doesn’t really matter, but deciding not to have a shower for a woman in that situation could definitely affect the child.
I would ignore it, and I would probably feel similarly to the OP. I wouldn’t say anything rude though. If asked directly by the person, “Hey Drew did you see my facebook update that I’m pregnant? What do you think?” I’d probably say something like, “Yeah, good luck to you and your new child.” Or something like that. I wouldn’t congratulate her, but I also wouldn’t be brutally honest by saying something like, “You had no business getting pregnant and I think it’s a mistake to keep the baby,” because that’s way too presumptuous and judgmental. I would wish her luck though, because she’s going to need it!
In a similar vein, I heard of a girl from who high school who recently died from a heroin overdose. She had a little girl, and the father also died of a heroin overdose. The baby is now an orphan.
I saw nothing but friends grieving her loss, asking for prayers, and basically sharing their feelings over the girl who had succumbed to this “disease.” They all mentioned how much she loved her little girl.
I thought, “if she loved her little girl so much why didn’t she not do heroin?” Of course, I said nothing, but I couldn’t help feeling some disgust over the situation.
If someone’s decided to keep their unplanned baby, even if it’s a less than ideal situation to bring a child into, I think it’s reasonable and polite to offer your best wishes and congratulations. Plenty of great people were born into such circumstances.
I will only have a child myself if circumstances are nearly ideal, and I think abortion is great, so obviously I don’t understand their mindset at all. But I am not going to shit all over someone’s choice to have a child, publicly at least.
There’s a new life, why not celebrate it? Not like saying “oh your life’s gonna suck now” is going to help the mother any. A congrats might not do much, or it might make her day a little brighter. No harm.
I’d respond that if the woman needs the words congratulations “to make her day brighter”, that speaks volumes towards her feelings on the pregnancy itself, and perhaps she should examine those feelings more closely.
I know a lot of people from poor families (I grew up in a housing project), and I can’t think of any of them who deserve their entry in into the world to be marked by silence and shame. I also know a lot of people who were born into stable, middle class families of good standing who lived through hellish lives of abuse. Families are complicated things, and it’s hard to tell from the outside what is really going on.
A child is a child, and every child deserves a warm welcome not just from their mother, but from their family and their community, and that’s what showers and congratulations are really about. And a first child is a rite of passage that deserves celebration, even if it’s not in ideal circumstances (whatever “ideal circumstances” even are.) Life will be forever different after that child, so you might as well share some cake and plays some dumb games with your friends and anticipate that. It’s not like anyone gets a free pass on how difficult pregnancy and child rearing are. Certainly it doesn’t hurt to have a little break from that to celebrate the adventure ahead.
In any case, I’d rather see a society where all children face bright prospects, regardless of their parents particular circumstances. I’d prefer to help single parents, not shame them.
But it seems like shaming mothers is always a fun pass time. Remember ladies, don’t have a child too young or you just won’t ready and you’ll doom your child to a terrible and worthless life as a social parasite. And don’t wait too long (perhaps by actually trying to get that financial stability) or it’ll be your own damn fault that you passed up your prime child bearing years selfishly pursuing whatever it is that young ladies have to do other than popping out babies, and you’ll probably bankrupt a small nation paying for fertility treatments and in any case you’ll probably give your kid Downs Syndrome and eight toes. And of course you don’t want to be childless like a worthless, withered husk of a woman who missed her chance. But don’t just settle and have a kid just because your clock is ticking, because you’ll probably try to trap a man into marriage and end up a divorced, bitter, worthless woman who is going to give her child a terrible life. Also, one child is too few, and two is too many. Now, do we want to talk about daycare and staying at home…maybe next time…Oh, and good luck!
Maybe “Congratulations!!!” isn’t the right response, but if it’s possible to make some sort of positive response, then I think it would be polite and thoughtful to do so. A pregnancy announcement with no replies just seems hurtful. Even if it was something along the lines of “Oh, wow, that’s some big news! There will be good times and bad times ahead, but if anyone can handle it, it’s you. Wishing you both all the best.”
I don’t think it’s about public shaming as much as it is about not sending a message that it’s awesome to get knocked up with no visible means of support, especially for younger girls. The lesson should not be “you’re a dirty whore for getting pregnant” but it also shouldn’t be “yay! Pregnant at 17 (or single and jobless or whatever) is the greatest thing ever!”
I think it’s no coincidence that this sentiment was expressed by the girls sister. Other people were sure as hell thinking the same thing you were, but only the sister is close enough to say something like that.
People on Facebook tend to respond positively to things that people post that sound positive (actually, I guess people do in real life too). If someone posts “I’m getting married to the love of my life next Tuesday!”, would you respond “He’s an asshole and you’ve only been dating 3 months, why the hell would you do that?”. Or if someone said “I just finished my degree in fifteenth century underwater basket-weaving!” would you say “OMG, you’ll never, ever have a job and you just wasted tons of time and money”?
Most people aren’t going to be jerks like that, especially in a forum where others can read the nasty things you’re saying, and also especially when they might not know the other person particularly well. Besides, what’s the point of being a jerk - is the person really going to change their mind just based on what you say? Instead they just keep their thoughts to themselves, post a “congrats!”, and move on.
I think some of you guys are misinterpreting what “congratulations” means in response to birth announcements.
It’s not “good job for making that baby”.
It’s more of a general positive sentiment. And I think every kid deserves positivity about their birth.
Actually I know a number of people who had relatively easy pregnancies and experienced very low stress child rearing because they planned ahead and made certain they had optimal circumstances and resources before choosing to have a child. The problem with celebrating “the adventure ahead,” is that often only confirms undecided people into making a very bad decision and it sets a very bad example for others. A lot of women don’t have the sense to choose abortion until they realize all the doors that will be closed against them as a result of irresponsible breeding.
