If my only two choices are approving of a decision that is stupid and irresponsible, or disapproving of a decision that is stupid and irresponsible, then I would go with disapproval. Silent disapproval - I’m not going to say anything, but the mother-to-be in question would be correct in her interpretation of my silence.
I don’t do Facebook, so this is pretty much academic.
Regards,
Shodan
The idea that quietly saying nothing is shaming to anyone, anywhere, on any topic, , can only possibly be even slightly true if you are a near relation or dear friend - a person with a social obligation to participate in the soon to be family. Otherwise, that’s nuts.
I caregorically reject that there is an affirmative obligation to praise the arrival of infants to your aquaintances.
You’re reading a lot into “Congratulations”.
What exactly is being read into “Congratulations” that shouldn’t?
The OP didn’t ask why (s)he should offer congratulations, or why you should.
The OP asked why anyone does. (S)he asked for “someone [to] enlighten me on the thought process behind” such congratulations. The replies in this thread have been attempting to do this. Manda Jo, for instance, is suggesting that some people don’t want the mother-to-be to receive total silence in response to her announcement; this doesn’t mean that you have to congratulate the mom, but it does mean that people who feel like Manda Jo will.
For my part, I will - sincerely and with feeling - congratulate anyone who seems happy to be having a child. I do this because: (1) I don’t know their situation or their character well enough to second guess them for being happy - they may have reserves of strength that will manifest on the birth of their baby, they may have a secret benefactor, they may have a relative who will support them. I don’t know, but they do, so if they’re happy, I’m happy they’re happy. Also, (2) I genuinely believe that a parent being happy that they’re a parent is a great head start toward a positive outcome - all other things being equal, a kid who is wanted and welcomed and a source of happiness for his parent(s) is off to a better start than a kid who is a source of embarassment, sadness, or regret.So I’m not happy, necessarily, that the mother made the choice to get into the situation in the first place… but I AM happy that - having gotten there - she’s approaching it in a positive way.
That’s my reasoning; that’s why I’ll congratulate mothers-to-be on unplanned but apparently welcome pregnancies. I honestly don’t care at all what you do. If the question here was, “Am I required to congratulate mothers-to-be whose pregnancies seem like bad things to me?”, then the answer is trivial and the thread would have been short: No. You are not required to do this
But the OP goes beyond that. The OP seems confused and a bit annoyed that others assess a situation like this differently and choose to respond differently. And what I’m saying is that while you’re not wrong to withhold congratulations, others are not wrong to offer them.
It seems to me that the OP is actually asking “why is she posting this?” more than “why are people responding with congratulations?”
The idea that it’s anything more than a societally-approved noise to acknowledge an event or milestone in a person’s life. We also say, “I’m so sorry for your loss,” when a friend has a death in the family even if we think the departed was a loathsome asshole and we’re not, in fact, particularly sorry.
Exactly what I am trying to say. Do you have to respond? No. But when my cousin announced she was pregnant and divorcing, it was crickets. I thought that was really shitty–and, for whatever it’s worth, she’s 30+, has a Ph.d, a good job, and very wealthy retired parents, so it’s not a criminally tragic situation–so I responded with “Squee! That’s wonderful! I am so glad the fourth generation is coming!”.
When I announced I was pregnant, one woman at work (who dislikes me for other reasons) came up to me, asked if it were true, and made a moue of distaste and walked off. Now, I was 34, married for twelve years, home owner for eight years, stable job for nine years, no debt, pregnancy very planned–I have no idea what she disapproved of. But her self-righteous silence was upsetting to me.
I feel like there is a subtext in the OP that responding at all to a less-than-optimal pregnancy is WRONG, that it’s encouraging unwise behavior, that it’s unethical or inherently insincere. But it’s quite possible to be both happy that someone is happy, while at the same time be concerned/upset/worried. People can have contradictory emotional responses to this kind of news. Only one set of responses is appropriate for public airing.
I agree, and it shows a fundamental misunderstanding of how people use Facebook. Posting that you are pregnant is not necessarily brag or a plea for attention. It’s more of a friendly heads up so that people aren’t surprised when they see you weight 25 more pounds and are turning down the invites to bar crawls.
You know, the word congratulations means something to me, dammit! It means “you really accomplished something and I’m happy for you!”
I would never say congratulations to someone for something happening to them that they did not achieve through hard work. If someone won the lottery for example, I wouldn’t say “Congratulations!” If someone gets pregnant on accident, I wouldn’t say “Congratulations!” If a lady I knew had been trying very hard to get pregnant and finally did, then I’d say “Congratulations!”
I hope I’ve made myself clear.
Well, in my neck of the woods, people would certainly say congratulations in all of those cases.
What would you say to someone who won the lottery other than ‘congratulations’?
I think there are really two separate definitions of the word. One is indeed to commend someone for their hard work. But it is also used to acknowledge a good event in someone else’s life.
In the case of pregnancy, I think almost nobody means the first one. For most people, it is not exactly difficult to conceive a child, yet people say ‘congratulations’ to every pregnant woman, regardless of whether they struggled with infertility or not.
Of course I’d say congratulations. I also say thank you when people give me horrible presents. It’s basic good manners. The universe doesn’t revolve around me; some things aren’t all about my personal innermost feelings.
If a close friend of mine rang me up and said, ‘Oh God, you remember that one-night stand I had a couple of weeks ago? I’m pregnant,’ then no, my first response wouldn’t be ‘Congratulations!’ But since the hypothetical scenario has me reading the news on Facebook, we’re talking about someone who’s not a close friend. In which case, until and unless she says she’s not happy about the situation, conventional politeness is the perfect response.
When someone says, “Hi! How are you?” I say, “I’m fine, thanks. How are you?” That’s the standard recipe for social interaction. When someone gives me a gift, I say, “Why, thank you, that’s so kind of you!” That’s the standard recipe for social interaction, and what one says even if the gift sucks. When someone says to me in casual conversation, such as on facebook:
–My kid just graduated from high school!
–I just bought a new house!
–I ran a marathon last week!
–I just completed my collection of Beanie Babies manufactured during 1994!
or
–I’m going to have a baby!
I say, “Congratulations!” because that’s what you say in those sorts of circumstances.
Speaking as the OP, Tom Tildrum is way off. I asked the question I meant to.
I expect Facebook to be used as a heads up about your day - as you say, so no misunderstanding there. I really am asking about what I see as inappropriate congratulations. And that question has been answered.
How about: “I hope you have a good pregnancy, and please know that you can call on me for support in any way you might need, please let me know if I can help!”
There you go, no congratulating someone on doing something stupid. In fact, you’re kinda saying they’ll probably need help with their stupid decision, while also offering a kind word.
To be honest, once the decision is made and posted to facebook, I think congratulations are fine. Everything up to that point may have been stupid, but from there on in there will be good decisions, happiness and positivity damn it! From that moment the baby is wanted and celebrated, so you are saying: “congratulations that this loved, celebrated person is growing inside you”. Not “congratulations on making bad life decisions”.
That probably is the best response, and avoid the lack of response some posters have found so upsetting.
I did laugh at the last line, though.
I love this!
Speaking only for myself, If you cannot find a kind response to say, there’s nothing wrong with being silent. On venues such as Facebook, there are usually plenty of people who are happy to make a bit of pleasant fuss so that one’s absence is not notable.
A friend of mine once admitted that if she hadn’t “oopsed” so early, she wouldn’t have had any children today; she didn’t really want them. She “oopsed” again after the first kid was over 18 (found out while getting an IUD that it was too late). She kept it.
I did not congratulate her. How can I congratulate someone who didn’t want either kid?
I feel similarly about condolences. A girl in our high school class passed away and everyone fell all over each other to offer condolences. I guess no one remembered that they all hated her when she was alive. Or the friend who looked so beautiful in the white prom dress they buried her in, yeah, the one everyone made fun of when she wore it to the prom.