"Congratulations!"

When I got in from last night’s hotline training session, my roommate said “Hey, you got a letter from AISD.”

One panicked second later (“Oh, God, agency initials! What’d I do?”), I remembered AISD stands for Austin Independent School District. The letter read as follows [my reactions in brackets]:

Dear Substitute Applicant:

We have received your application to be a substitute teacher or substitute teacher assistant. Congratulations! You have been selected to become a substitute with the Austin Independent School District.

[I’m truly glad to have another potential source of income, and I have a deep respect for teachers, having been blessed to have several great teachers over the years. Still, my inner cynic screams “Congratulations! You have the worst #$%ing job on the planet!”]

(This part of the letter cut because there’s nothing especially amusing about orientation time and location details.)

Since the orientation is scheduled for all day you will need to bring a sack lunch or $5.00 exactly (no change will be made) to purchase a sandwich, chips and cookie. [Oh, thank God there’s a cookie involved!] Sodas will be provided at an additional cost of 60 cents or bottled water for $1. There will NOT be enough time to leave for lunch in order to end on time.

I’ve never laughed harder at a piece of official correspondence. It was JUST so incredibly emphatic. If all their materials are written in this style, July 19 will find me choking on a cookie and falling off my chair while trying to stifle laughter.

This sounds like the assistant principal in Uncle Buck (paraphrase):

“I have been an educator for thirty-one POINT three years . . .”

Good luck with the keeping-a-straight-face thing. I won’t be putting any money on it, though. :smiley: