I’ve been re-reading the classics, and am just about finished with the collected works of Mark Twain. The last of these is A Conneticut Yankee in King Arthur’s Court. For those of you who don’t know it’s about a Jack of All Trades type that goes back in time to King Arthur’s Court. He invents all sorts of cool stuff because he’s got a lot of knowledge stored up in his head, and uses that knowledge to make the knightly types think he’s a badass wizard. If you need more info than that, read the damn book.
So I got to thinking, what if the guy who got transported back in time wasn’t this cool Jack of All Trades type but something else? What might the result be?
My offer:
A Conneticut Lawyer in King Arthur’s Court
The lawyer arrives, sets up practice, and immediately becomes a tournament chaser. Wrongful death lawsuits clog the courts, as do Workmen’s Comp and OSHA complaints. The climax comes when a villager sues the inn after spilling hot gruel on himself.
Accidentally drives back in time in her pink car, and shows all the medivalites how to bathe, coordinate their clothes, polish their armor and do cute little makeup tricks. “The chalice from the palace has the blush for that flush—the flagon with the dragon has the cream that’s a dream!!”
Is magically enabled to make King Arthur and his knights see the wisdom in preparing a Company Statement and an ISO-9000 framework for all of the questing, knight-errantry, and jousting procedures. Trouble erupts when Mordred receives too many Corrective and Preventive Action Reports and Arthur orders him to be forcibly audited.
Is thrown back in time due to unfortunate accident with ultrasound machine. Becomes Guinivere’s new confidante, Lancelot gets Pissed Off as is driven to despair in brand new Quest To Discover Feminine Side.
Due to impromptu educational Powerpoint presentation that causes outbreaks of fainting and crying fits from thrice-bled knights, gynaecologist eventually boiled in oil.
A Connecticutt Environmentalist in King Arthur’s Court
Due to a nasty accident while sabotaging a nuclear power plant, our environmentalist is horrified to learn of the lack of air purity in an early iron age society. Tries to teach the peasants the benefits of “reduce, reuse, recycle”, at which they look at him funny. “And do we really have to boil oil, people!! Come on, we must protect our limited resources! Wouldn’t water work just as well in this situation?” Tries to develop a scrubber to remove heavy soot from all the boiling oil, and…
Connecticut Emeril in King Arthur’s Court. Introduces the Round Table to all manner of culinary delights, and BAM, gets fricasee’d in oil, with a nice wild herb arrangement on the side.
Gets snatched from late Jurassic North America and whisked away to Medieval Camelot, while absentmindedly munching on some delicious vegetation. Looks around in bemusement, wondering where the hell the rest of the herd got to. Accidentally kills fifteen court ladies, picnicking nearby, by anxiously flailing its enormous tail about. Though harmless and peace-loving, the poor, confused creature is demonized by the populace, dubbed a “fearsome lizard” and “hell-filled dragon” by Arthur.
Though Arthur orders his Round Table to attack the beast forthwith if they value their honor, they all proove too chickenshit to face the gentle giant. The Kingdom is thrown into uproar over the collapse of chivalry and courage, leading to a disasterous civil war.
The Brontosaurus (which, as Miss Ann Elk has pointed out, is thin at both ends and much, much thicker in the middle) lives happily ever after.
After referring to Arthur as “Dog” and Guinivere as “Ho” dies at the hands of Galahad, who takes exception to being called “Beeatch.”
A Connetticut Porn Director in King Arthur’s Court:
Instantly changes from movies to live shows. Guinivere Does the Round Table is a masterpiece. Morgan Le Fay: Dominant and Cruel! is considered the “greatest sadomasochistic piece of art ever created.” [The Camelot Gazzette, Winter Issue]
The follow up, * Morgan Le Fay: Arthur is my Bitch* is the most attended show in history.
Sadly, the porn director is boiled in oil after proposing Sir Lancelot and the 100 Lances while drunk on mead.
The cook whips up a few pounds of crank and turns King Arthur and his Court into a bunch of raving, paranoid, tweakers. A brave knight, determined to slay the evil cook, engages him in sword battle. The blades clink together and make a spark. The spark ignites the volatile chemicals used in the lab and everyone dies.