Conservapedia deems the Bible too liberal. (NOT an Onion article)

[Drain_Bead]

From the last part of the post linked in the OP:

It’s like what you’d get if you crossed the Jesus Seminar with the College Republican chapter at a rural institution of Bible learnin’.

So…basically it’s like every Republican National Convention since 1980?

[Boyo_Jim]

@AK84

Ok, not a North American. So explain, what the hell is that drivel?

Just another bunch of jerkoffs with a web site.

[Maus_Magill]

Salon has lent a hand. Here are some verses they’ve fixed to comply with the Bible’s Original Intent:
John 8:3-7

The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought in a woman caught in adultery. They made her stand before the group and said to Jesus, “Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery. In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?”

Jesus bent down and picked up a rock. When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, “OK, we start on the count of three. And if I see any of you throwing like limp-wristed sissies, you’re next.”

Matthew 9:10-13

While Jesus was having dinner at Matthew’s house, many tax collectors and sinners came and ate with him and his disciples. When the Pharisees saw this, they asked his disciples, “Why does your teacher eat with tax collectors and sinners?”

On hearing this, Jesus said, “Tax collectors? I had no idea, and wouldn’t have eaten with them if I had known, for I favor a flat tax.”

[Knorf]

Yay, Salon! Thanks for posting those, Maus. Hilarious!

I think we should make our own.

Here’s mine for Matthew 5:3-10

Blessed are those who are poor in spirit? No. We have no use for pansies.
Blessed are those who mourn? Well, ok, but only if the mourning is manly and righteous, and for a limited time.
Blessed are the meek? No, meekness is liberal self-loathing, not righteous butt-kicking. We will ride over the meek in our tanks.
Blessed are the hungry? No, it’s their own damn fault that they haven’t been industrious enough to find their own food.
Blessed are the merciful? What? Are you kidding me? Our God is a vengeful God!
Blessed are the pure in heart? Possibly, as long as their purity isn’t gay or anything.
Blessed are the peacemakers? Absolutely not. We celebrate the pomp and glory of War.
Blessed are the persecuted? Sure, if they’re Christians who suffer because those godless Atheist heathens are threatening to take prayer out of schools! Otherwise, forget it.

[Nancarrow]

@Boyo_Jim

Just another bunch of jerkoffs with a web site.

This. Or +1. Or whatever the hippest agreme is at the moment.

Why is Andy Shlafly expending so much energy on his bizarre creation? Well, imagine a parallel universe identical to this one except that dear Andy had never bothered to create Conservapedia. Would YOU have the faintest idea who Mr. Shlafly is? Me neither.

And the worst thing is, I’ve totally forgotten the name of the guy who founded Wikipedia at the moment. I hope it’ll come back to me without prompting. If not, that’s another small strand of neurons Mr. Shlafly has gleefully bent to his will. Bastard.

[Captain_Carrot]

Wikipedia wasn’t founded by a single person, but Jimmy Wales was heavily involved, and remains so.

[jayjay]

@Gyrate

Andy Schlafly (son of Phyllis “all women should be meek and submissive except me” Schlafly) runs the place with an iron tentacle; anyone who doesn’t subscribe to his own particular, very narrow worldview is labelled as “liberal” and cast into the outer darkness, so to speak. As a result, Conservapedia is a very tiny echo chamber.

It’d be funny if it weren’t so weep-inducingly sad.

I had to look him up to see if he was the self-loathing gay one.

[Waffle_Decider]

While Jesus was having dinner at Matthew’s house, many tax collectors and sinners came and ate with him and his disciples. When the Pharisees saw this, they asked his disciples, “Why does your teacher eat with tax collectors and sinners?”

On hearing this, Jesus said, “Tax collectors? I had no idea, and wouldn’t have eaten with them if I had known, for I favor a flat tax.”

But how could he not know? He is omniscient! :smack:

[jayjay]

@Waffle_Decider

But how could he not know? He is omniscient! :smack:

Typical politician!

[BigT]

@Der_Trihs

I understand that who qualifies as a Conservapedia contributor is heavily restricted in order to prevent that.

How could they know? I’ve heard rumors that some contributors outed themselves. Heck, it may have been on the SDMB. Not sure what to search for, though…

Still, the article on beliefnet doesn’t seem out of character for the right wingers I know. I hope this works. There’s no better way to topple the unholy aliance.

[Boyo_Jim]

The Boyo Jim Conservative Ten Commandments:

1. The market can only bear one God; the God of the market, for the market, and in the market.
2. Thou shalt not pass false bills or coins or bonds.
3. Thou shalt not refer to communism or socialism as markets. They are false markets.
4. Every seventh day, you may spend rather than earn.
5. Honor thy parent corporations and thy boards of directors.
6. Thou shalt not kill, except those specified by authority figures.
7. Thou shalt not be committed to adultery.
8. Make enough profit to make stealing unnecessary.
9. Thou shalt not bear false witness, or any witness at all if you can avoid it. Stay out of court.
10. If you covet, you don’t have enough money to buy it. Consider renting.

[mecaenas]

It’s about time they gave The Bible a makeover to reveal Republican Jesus. The conservatives have been complete hypocrits for far too long by ignoring Jesus’ pussy socialist views and rejection of wealth, so it’s better for everyone if they just cut those views out of the book entirely.

[Princhester]

@Der_Trihs

I understand that who qualifies as a Conservapedia contributor is heavily restricted in order to prevent that.

I have just checked and am well chuffed to find that several of my pages on Conservapedia remain in place, despite me being banned twice within hours. My entries have been edited down a little to remove the obvious self referential hacks they made at Conservapedia, but they still make their point: I’m particularly proud of “motherhood statement”. Note the last few words. I deliberately used a conservative-friendly first example, a neutral second example and a “liberal” third example, hoping they wouldn’t notice the third, and they seem not to have.

[Maus_Magill]

@Princhester

I have just checked and am well chuffed to find that several of my pages on Conservapedia remain in place, despite me being banned twice within hours. My entries have been edited down a little to remove the obvious self referential hacks they made at Conservapedia, but they still make their point: I’m particularly proud of “motherhood statement”. Note the last few words. I deliberately used a conservative-friendly first example, a neutral second example and a “liberal” third example, hoping they wouldn’t notice the third, and they seem not to have.

Nice. Sir, I applaud you.

[willthekittensurvive]

@Princhester

I have just checked and am well chuffed to find that several of my pages on Conservapedia remain in place, despite me being banned twice within hours. My entries have been edited down a little to remove the obvious self referential hacks they made at Conservapedia, but they still make their point: I’m particularly proud of “motherhood statement”. Note the last few words. I deliberately used a conservative-friendly first example, a neutral second example and a “liberal” third example, hoping they wouldn’t notice the third, and they seem not to have.

Had to check it out…

A motherhood statement is one that that no one would disagree with, or about something that all listeners would agree was good, positive or worthwhile, so as to associate the statement with a concept or action that is potentially disagreeable or controversial. Examples would be the use of the term “brotherhood” for communism, “Lebensraum” (living space) for Nazi imperialism and “Family Friendly” and “clean” for sexually repressed.

brilliant!

[Tapioca_Dextrin]

@Boyo_Jim

The Boyo Jim Conservative Ten Commandments:
7. Thou shalt not be committed to adultery.

Adultery is bad.

[zoid]

Stephen Colbert did a pretty good cover of this last night - check out the re-run if you can.

[Projammer]

It seems the only thing lacking on that site for it to live up to its full potential is <BLINK> tags.

[palindromemordnilap]

Jesus must be rolling over in his … oh, right, never mind.

[BigT]

@palindromemordnilap

Jesus must be rolling over in his … oh, right, never mind.

I’d go with:

Moses, Joshua, Samuel, Gad, Nathan, Jeremiah, Ezra, Nehemiah, Mordecai, David, Asaph, Heman, Solomon, Agur, Lemuel, Isaiah, Ezekiel, Daniel, Hosea, Joel, Amos, Obadiah, Jonah, Micah, Nahum, Habakkuk, Zephaniah, Haggai, Zechariah, Malachi, Matthew, Mark, Luke, John, Paul, James, Peter, Jude, John, and various others must all be rolling over in their separate graves.

It’s a big book (well, collection of books) with a lot of authors.