It sounds like no matter what you probably need a more experienced therapist, or at least one you will be more comfortable with. Having said this, with respect to changing your life for the better re outcomes you are not going to get there using the dysfunctional logic and rationales you are currently employing.
Thinking that you need to change your thoughts or attitudes predicate to actually changing behavior may seem to make sense in a “one before the other” context, but it is not the way humans are wired. Plunging in and actually engaging in uncomfortable behavior (assuming it’s ultimately a desirable behavior you have as a goal) is 100 times more effective than trying to correct your thoughts and attitudes to make you ready to do the behavior.
For better or worse you sound incredibly resistant about actually undertaking these behavioral changes even if intellectually you want the desired outcomes. You can chat it up with a dozen therapists for decades trying to get your thoughts and attitudes aligned just so, but if you are not willing to make the plunge into the uncomfortable behavior, and do it over and over nothing will change, and it’s just very expensive conversation.
In a limited, but meaningful way it’s akin to exercising to meet a fitness goal. You can keep making promises to get yourself mentally pumped up to exercise, but commitment fades away when you get tired, and life and distractions get in the way etc. Making an appointment with a personal trainer FORCES you to engage in the uncomfortable behavior over and over. Most of what a personal trainer does for you you could also accomplish much less expensively with a gym membership, but if you are not mentally or attitudinally inclined to exercise as a preferred activity it’s not going to happen. Over time the forced appointment and hard exercise yields results and - this is the key - you find your mental attitude changing about exercise and yourself and lots of other things. You enjoy the new power and freedom being in shape yields. You enjoy the positive social comments, about how good you look etc. You have a DIFFERENT outlook and attitude from forcing yourself to engage in the uncomfortable behavior.
In the end you’ve got to commit to the behavior even if you are not pumped up and primed to embrace undertaking it. On the flip side it sounds like the therapist expects you to “figure it out” without specific directed exercises which does not sound very productive.
What is your goal re overcoming the social anxiety you reference? What do you mentally picture as a preferred behavior or outcome for yourself in this? Dating, flirting easily, taking before a group, going to a club and mixing, making friends more easily. What’s the goal?
The first step in taking responsibility for your own life as a person in therapy is taking responsibility for your therapy. You can’t be empowered in any other useful way if you aren’t empowered to make your own medical-therapeutic decisions.
I’m not saying “ditch your therapist” but I am very definitely saying “It is absolutely 100% your right and your responsibility to ditch your therapist if you are finding that it is not a good fit for you”.
“Thinking that you need to change your thoughts or attitudes predicate to actually changing behavior may seem to make sense in a “one before the other” context, but it is not the way humans are wired”
Sort of. Generally with social anxiety the conventional CBT treatment is a fair amount of psychoeducation and imaginal exposure before going to real life examples. Having some understanding of why you are doing uncomfortable things can help the person be much more willing to do them.
Unless thats been left out by the OP, its one reason why I think another therapist is definitely worth trying.
Absolutely. Finding a therapist is like speed dating; you are probably going to spend several weeks each with a dozen or more before you find one you click with. I’ve been looking since 1979. Don’t give up.
I’ve changed therapists a few times, and have found one I really love now. She is patient, compassionate, doesn’t push me, and sort of lets me lead where we need to go. I don’t do well with the goal-setting either, and I loathe people telling me “you just need to do it” or some other trite, optimistic cliche. Sort of like, “choose to be happy”. I would not be paying hundreds of dollars if it was that damn easy!
If you gave her a couple of shots now and you still aren’t “meshing”, move on! There are lots of therapists (although, it does sort of suck having to start from scratch with your issues all the time), but worth it.
As I’ve discovered with certain psych doctors/counselors, many just don’t “get” me, and I’ll move on until I find the one that does. That’s how I found my husband, too Took a lot of trial and error.
Well, as life seems to like to mess things up, my car decided to die on me when I was trying to get to my appointment today. So, my ‘confrontation’ will be delayed. Everyone’s been giving me such good feedback and advice and I really appreciate it. I have sometimes wondered if I’ve tried hard enough. I know she’s given me lots of goal oriented tasks that I’ve basically ignored. But I think I might start at least trying them. It’s just very difficult for me to address my own negative thoughts. I’d say both my depression and social anxiety stem from my horrid self image and very low self esteem. These are the root of my negative thoughts and it can sometimes make a very convincing argument for me to not try something or change something that needs changed.
What an interesting thread, and so much advice that sounds good though contrary!
You are asking the right questions and having the right doubts, both about whether you’ve tried hard enough or given her therapy a chance, and about whether she’s good as a therapist or more specifically as your therapist.
I don’t get a positive feeling about her from your description. She is working for you, and it is very easy for you to move on to another therapist. Lots of doctors are quick to acknowledge the patient’s right to leave them, and I’d hope a therapist could be, too – but whether she likes it or not, you are absolutely the one in charge of who your therapist is.
But I also sense, as you seem to, that you are pretty reluctant to work outside your comfort zone. That you could use a little pushing to get you to practice what you wish you were better at. Things that are important to us, but make us uncomfortable, that we avoid and don’t get better at, are usually really important to do more of.
Getting placed into a group of mentally challenged people would dismay me pretty badly – I’d look at that as a major misstep on the therapist’s part. It sounds like she tried to pretend it was a good decision on her part, after you told her about the group. This part of the story has me really hoping you change therapists.
You seem pretty conscious of your inclination to avoid making behavioral changes, and could imagine that changing therapists could become your method of evading your discomfort. That would be a shame. But changing therapists once isn’t a pattern.
The thing I find most concerning is her dismissal of your social anxiety without even explaining avoidance behavior or cognitive distortions. It doesn’t sound to me like she has been professionally trained in CBT. A lot of counselors say they do CBT but don’t have the rigorous clinical training to give them the expertise they need. She has a point about it being your life, however. Personally i think there is a growing body of evidence indicating that behavioral changes are more effective than cognitive ones - the theory is that behaviors change cognitions automatically. My husband is a behavioral therapist, we’re a behavior modification sort of household, so I’m biased. If there are behavioral changes you need to make and you are feeling overwhelmed, you should be starting with teeny tiny incredibly easy goals. You should be creating an anxiety hierarchy with a SUDS scale ranking. Is she doing any of this with you? If this seems unfamiliar, get the hell out of there. Don’t feel guilty. It’s her failure not yours. I’ve had a gazillion therapists and a gazillion types of therapy. Feel free to PM me.
This is completely normal stuff for therapists to say. Nothing the therapist can do will help if you’re not motivated to change. You have to be ready to change.
That is strange, since that’s the kind of thing that CBT is meant to treat. It’s possible that she just dismissed it quickly because she thought the next topic was a pressing issue, but in general I’d agree she didn’t handle that well. I do wonder if she REALLY does CBT since nothing you’ve described sounds like CBT so far.
Sometimes good therapists do make an occasional dumb remark though.
I wonder if she didn’t know it was for mentally challenged people, or if somehow she thought you might find it less intimidating to get used to interacting with mentally challenged people. In either case, I wouldn’t necessarily take her “What is your idea?” comment to be a negative one. Therapists generally aren’t supposed to just tell you what to do…if you have a better idea about what is helpful for you, then usually they want to work with you on that.
However, it does sound like you’re not really clicking with this therapist and if you can find a different one that might be a good idea.
Took a lot of trial and error.