Considering Joint Custody. Any experiences?

In My Humble Opinion
1

First off, I won’t make this decision until I’ve discussed it with my attorney, so worry not.

My ex (soon-to-be ex, I mean) and I have two kids, ages 2 1/2 and 4 1/2. Right now, I have them pretty much full-time, except for alternate Saturdays and one night per week, which are overnights with him. He also visits several times/week (I drop the kids at his house for 3-4 hours.)
In spite of the fact that he was a really bad husband, he’s actually a pretty good dad. I don’t worry about the kids when they’re with him; I know that they’ll be safe and cared for and in no danger.
Right now, he’s planning (without really any discussion yet, as it’s too volatile a subject to touch) on having joint legal custody and letting me have full physical custody, with the visitation arrangement above continuing. I’m not happy with the prospect for several reasons (which I won’t go into here unless necessary–long, boring, etc) but I’ve basically narrowed it down to this: I want full custody, both legal and physical (with visitation, of course), OR: I want joint custody on both legal and physical.

Full custody wouldn’t be a problem for me at all, and I think the kids would be fine with it. Joint custody seems equally reasonable to me, although I don’t know how he’ll feel about it.

I’m curious to hear from parents who have joint physical custody, or kids who have been in that position. If we do joint physical, it would probably mean that the kids would be with him three nights/week, probably Sat/Sun/Mon. When they get old enough for school, it might require some adjusting, but it would work out for at least a few more years.

Moms, dads, kids? Anyone have first-hand experience?

Thanks,
karol

2

My ex and I have joint custody. Our situation is strange, though, because we split up because we are incompatible sexually: I like skin pickles more than she does and she likes boobies more than I. So we’re still friends and actually hang out together frequently. Our arrangment is basically a two week rotation for where he sleeps:

M=my house, H=her apartment

S-M-T-W-T-F-S
M-H-H-M-M-H-H
H-M-M-H-H-M-M

We shift things around as necessary, such as a monthly board meeting she has to attend. People often express surprise that this works for us because they figure it’s too instable for our son. However, he has made it clear that he likes the rotation and doesn’t want to change it.

The best recommendation I can make is try to keep it civil between the parents if you can’t be friendly. Don’t use the kids as spies or messengers. Never make them feel like they have to choose between the two of you. Don’t speak ill of the other parent in front of the kids.

3

I split custody of my kids 50/50 with my ex. We hand them both off on Fridays, and they spend a full week with each parent. I moved to the next town over, so I drive them to school when it’s my week. I didn’t want to disrupt their little lives further by pulling them from school/daycare. My older son was in Kindergarten at the time, and my younger loved his daycare to death.

My ex sounds similar to yours; horrible husband, not a terrible father, although there were quite a few frantic “what-to-do” phone calls in the first year. He really hadn’t spent much time being a parent, and I wasn’t all that comfortable with leaving them. He did figure it out though, and I never thought they were unsafe there.

We have joint custody legally as well as physically, although we each claim one child on our tax returns. The only downfall to this arrangement is that, since he’s remarried, I’m not sure that he’s not going to make a play for full custody. In which case he will have a major fight on his hands.

4

I expect that if he agrees to joint custody and all goes well with it, then we may eventually go to a full-week rotation.
With them being so young, though, and given his overnight work schedules, we’ll have to do shorter periods of time for now.
Thanks for you input so far. It’s an entirely new concept to me, and I’m still a little shaky on my feelings about it.

5

My ex and I have almost exactly the same arrangement as Homebrew . However, how well this works depends on a few factors…

How close are you, geographically speaking? We live just a few miles apart, so it’s relatively convenient.

My kids are older (11 and 16), although it’s been almost 3 years since the divorce. The point here is that they’re able to look after themselves for periods of several hours, if need be.

How flexible are your respective work schedules? I have a monster commute and my ex travels…but when she’s not travelling, she works from home. We were actually able to avoid child-care expenses for our son by carefully structuring our summer schedule.

Perhaps most importantly, how well do you and your future ex get along? Not to get into other issues, but our divorce was a mediated deal…minimal lawyerly involvement. We still piss each other off, and we don’t agree with each other’s approach to life and the world in general, but we get along.

Pay particular heed to Homebrew’s last paragraph…and good luck. It’s tough even when it’s not adversarial…

6

My ex and I have almost exactly the same arrangement as Homebrew . However, how well this works depends on a few factors…

How close are you, geographically speaking? We live just a few miles apart, so it’s relatively convenient.

My kids are older (11 and 16), although it’s been almost 3 years since the divorce. The point here is that they’re able to look after themselves for periods of several hours, if need be.

How flexible are your respective work schedules? I have a monster commute and my ex travels…but when she’s not travelling, she works from home. We were actually able to avoid child-care expenses for our son by carefully structuring our summer schedule.

Perhaps most importantly, how well do you and your future ex get along? Not to get into other issues, but our divorce was a mediated deal…minimal lawyerly involvement. We still piss each other off, and we don’t agree with each other’s approach to life and the world in general, but we get along.

Pay particular heed to Homebrew’s last paragraph…and good luck. It’s tough even when it’s not adversarial…

7

Your situation doesn’t sound at all like mine, but I think given the right mindset of the parents joint custody can work.

Here is my story. It was long, complicated, ugly and painful, and I will omit the sordid details, but here is the crux. In the beginning when my daughter was 2, we had joint phys. and leg. custody but it went downhill and turned into a nightmare. We started with with a, 2 weeks with me and 2 weeks with her, schedule. However the X would never be at home when I went to pick up my daughter, so I had to just show up and catch her at home. Sometimes she wouldn’t call or come and get my daughter when it was her turn. Several of the times that she did have her, she moved (3 times) and didn’t tell me where and I had to track her down through friends. Once, after I found her, I had to get the police to go with me to get my daughter. She then took my daughter and left the state in violation of the custody agreement. I went to court and sued for full custody and won. I found out where she was and I quit a very good job and moved to the state where she was so I could get my daughter. She had her for eight months and I then had her from age 4-9. When she was 9 her mother kidnapped her and kept her until my daughter left her (age 14) to came to live with me.

The saddest thing is the my daughter, now 24, still has a lot of repressed anger toward her mother as a result of those five years.

8

My parents had joint legal and physical custody from their divorce (when I was 10 or so) until my dad moved to NY (when I was 16). During that period, my dad lived only a few blocks away; my sister and I would have one overnight during the week, and then every other weekend at his place (actually, he remarried quickly and briefly to Stepmonster #1, so for those couple of years “his” place was really her family home. Long story.)

It worked well for us/them because my parents used to be able to deal with each other like adults, and agreed on most, if not all parenting issues. Plus they were responsible about dropping off/picking up when agreed, and managed to compromise on schedule changes, out-of-town trips, and that sort of thing (Dad traveled a lot for work back then). Plus Dad will basically do anything a court orders him to do (another long story). If you think your ex is a man of his word, I think joint custody could be a good thing.

It worked well

9

Kid of a joint-custody arrangement here. I was eight when my parents split and my sister was six. Mondays and Tuesdays were at Dad’s place, Wednesdays and Thursdays at Mum’s and weekends were on a rotating basis.

From our point of view it worked moderately well, although I much preferred spending time with my alcoholic father than my neurotic, obsessive mother - my sister was the reverse. I always had organisational problems in that stuff I needed (for school, sport, etc.) seemed to be at the wrong house.

My parents lived about 10 km apart and mostly played by the rules, although there was a lot of vitriol from each about the other. Which, I suppose is only fair because my sister and I were always playing each of them for what I could get. I went to a school that wasn’t overly close to either, but to which I could catch either a bus or a train pretty easily.

My parents had a lot of arguments over money - my mother was always a lot more enthusiastic about spending than my father was, and would often commit him to half of something overly extravagant.

In mid-high school (about year 9), it changed to a week-about system because that was far more functional, but it meant a car trip every week to take things like school uniforms and sports equipment over to the other house.

In the end, it worked because no-one tried to break the system too hard. That’s pretty much all I can say. A prisoner’s dilemma-type situation.

My current relationship with my parents? I don’t like my mother much, and certainly don’t love her for what that’s worth. She doesn’t approve of the person I am, and vice-versa. I get on fairly well with my dad, but we’re not what you’d call close.

After a fairly big fight with my sister seven years ago, we haven’t spoken since. My mother took my sister’s side, which was pretty much the last straw in the breakdown of our relationship. My mother keeps rubbing on this like a raw nerve. After being specifically told not to, she sent me an invitation to my sister’s wedding. I called her up and gave her hell. She sent me another invitation. I called her again and told her that if she ever raised the subject of my sister in my presence again, the conversation would be finished whatever was going on. After trying to push it a couple of dozen more times, she gave up.

My sister hasn’t spoken to my dad in a couple of years, and as I understand it tries to avoid my mother wherever possible, but is slightly more polite about it.

In short, it can work - but only if everyone wants it to work, and it’s not going to make everyone play happy families if they genuinely don’t like each other anyway.

10

To clarify a few points or questions:

We currently live only a few miles apart. His work is here, so I don’t think he’ll be going much further than he is right now.

His work schedule is insane, but he can make it more predictable, if he wants to. Mine is (right now, at least) pretty flexible, and if/when I get another job, I’ll be sure to tailor it so that it allows for visitation changes, etc. Also, I have the two older kids who can help with interim baby-watching and transportation if needed.

As to how we get along…right now it varies wildly. With the kids, he’s consistently loving and in control. With me (and the older two, who are mine from my first marriage), he is totally unpredictable and generally swings from cheerful to menacing. I’m hoping that if he continues in therapy, and as he becomes more settled into his new life, the relationship will be healthier.

His behavior toward me is a concern, but it will be a concern no matter what. Right now, having to see him on an almost-daily basis leads to a lot of problems. If we can get on a shared-custody schedule, where we only see each other once or twice a week, I think we’ll get along better.

11

Talk to your lawyer, or get a divorce/separation kit. But with kids, one is determined by the amount of time you have the kids, and one determines who can make decisions for the kids. Joint custody is time, joint guardianship is decisions in Canada, and I think it’s similar in the states. For JC, if you say you’ll split the kids from 40/60 to 50/50, be aware that your ex will only have to pay 50% of child support. That’s fine, if they’re there 50% of the time, but honestly fathers tend to distance themselves, no matter how much they love their kids. Having almost gone through this, and loving my kids more than most things, I initially wanted jc, but I realized that I would be away more than 60% of the time. JG I would keep and fight for it if I had to. JG requires that if you wanted to leave the province, you’d have to get my permission, and if you died, the kids would come to me. So talk to a lawyer, and don’t make many decisions when emotions are high.

12

bodypoet;
first: I hope you make it through this tough time okay.
second: my ex and I share legal custody, I have physical custody, and he has visitation rights. Legal custody allows him to have a say in the kids’ schooling and medical concerns, as I wanted him to be involved.

This was not a problem until recently. Our daughter is having stomach problems. It’s no surprise, both of us had these problems when we were children, as did her older brother. He insists it’s all in her head, and that if I take her to a gastro without his permission, he’ll take me to court. I took her anyway. I was right, she’s got a nervous stomach, bordering on reflux. We took her out of public school because of the anxiety and stress, and got her a psychologist. He’s pitching a fit because he insists she doesn’t have any problems, I’m coddling her, and he won’t pay his half because I did this without his permission. Short of taking him to court, there’s not much I can do.

I hope that you and your ex can continue to work things out. As long as you can still talk to each other about the kids and keep in mind that their well being is the issue, it’ll be fine. Just remember, you might not always agree on everything. Shared legal custody means you will still be interacting a great deal with this person.

13

I reiterate what all the other joint parents have said - it can work really well, but you MUST have a solid enough relationship with the other parent to be able to work through any issues that might arise. I’ve been week on/week off with my son for close to 4 years now (since he was 18 mo old) and it has worked like a charm.

I must say it is interesting to hear from children of these situations - we always wonder (and hope and pray) that we’re not warping our poor boy! However, my ex and his wife are close friends of mine, so I’m hoping that loads of love will keep him as normal as any kid is.

14

That’s exactly the type of concern I have about joint legal custody, Maureen. He will stick at any decision I make, simply because he wants to be in control.
My sympathies, and I’m glad you did the right thing in spite of your ex. Document everything that happened in case you decide to go back and ask for full legal custody at some point.

If we have joint physical custody, I’m willing to let him have an equal say in decisions about daycare, medical, etc. But if I’m to be the full-time custodial parent, I’m willing to fight for full legal custody as well. Otherwise, every decision will engender a huge tantrum on his part, followed by weeks of fighting and obsessing and threatening. I’m absolutely NOT willing to put up with it. The attorney believes that I’ll get it if we go to court, due to his past behavior.

Svt4Him, it sounds like our “joint legal custody” equates to your joint guardianship in Canada.

What a pain. I HATE going through this, even though it’s the smartest thing I’ve done in the last decade.

15

After reading AnnaL’s post:

See, therein lies the problem. We don’t have a good relationship, except when he’s in a honeymoon phase, and then it’s just a matter of holding my breath until he moves on to stage 2.

However, I think that a split week arrangement would work just as well (ane probably better) as what we do now, because he wants to see the kids a LOT, and that means having to deal with him nearly every day. If he kept the kids for several nights, then brought them home for the rest of the week, it would give the babies a more normal family time with Dad, and it would give the two of us the opportunity to interact less. Overall, I think it would be healthier for the kids and better for us as well.

Of course, I’m assuming that he might WANT to keep the kids that much, and I shouldn’t make that assumption. Right now he’s not willing to keep them for two nights running, so joint custody might be out of the question for him.

16

I have joint custody of my two boys (6 and 3.5) and I feel that it all really depends on the parents of the children. If the two parents each would like to have sole custody, then, the ONLY option is for joint custody. Sure, if one parent just throws their hands up and says, “I’m outta here”, then there comes a “legal” obligation at that point.

But, just my opinion, as a careing parent, one shouldn’t deny their children of an equal share of exposure to the other parent. The marriage didn’t work, it has nothing to do with the relationship each parent has with their children and therefore, no one parent should be left feeling unfairly treated by withholding time spent with their children.

And, more importantly, if both parents are of sound mind, etc, it would be mistreating the children to NOT equally expose them to their parents. It’s benefitial for children to have a mother and father figure when possible, even if the mother and father determine that it would do the children MORE damage by living under the same roof.