For my own SOs there weren’t any significant challenges other than those “personality incompatibilites” which eventually led to breaking up. I know some people who would have seen The Bestest Boyfriend’s brother (who lived with him and had some brain damage from a bad birth) as a liability, but we happened to like each other: I’d much rather have a BiL I like who needs to be given time when he’s trying to explain Stuff than a great orator who’s a jerk.
My parents had health issues; Mom’s were in part self-inflicted, but Munchausen syndrome is an illness in itself. Her bad back and weight issues, his sciatica, both their depressions. She was worse at dealing with him being sick than he was, partly because so much of her self-image hangs on other people and specifically so much of it hung on him: whenever he was weak, her self-image became weak. When depression hit both simultaneously, I was left holding the bag (two grown-ups and two young boys), but thankfully not on my own: we had good friends who came bearing cooked vegetables, these being what I would have had more problems cooking.
My brothers are each other’s closest confidants. Middlebro’s wife can be… irritating to say the least. She wants what she wants, she wants it now and how come the rest of the world doesn’t instantly and instinctually know what is it she wants and provides it already (yeah, how dare anybody need her to explain); and, sometimes she’ll go from wanting a thing to wanting its opposite just through one night. This usually happens when the thing she wanted was something that was going to need a lot of time, and as it nears its conclussion she suddenly loses all patience and wants the next thing all-ready.
Aside from Lilbro’s help, there’s been a couple of times that I’ve been able to pinpoint something which was turning SiL into a bitch, which she couldn’t express and that once I’d identified he could work around/with. Living with someone who yells at you for doing what you’ve repeatedly agreed you’ll do, when actually what happens is that she can’t say “I’m really worried about my mother’s health” (actual example) is definitely not easy.
Mind you: I’m not going to say that living with Middlebro is a piece of cake either. Bipolar tendencies are not fun. I think a big chunk of the reason I find him easier is simply that I’ve known him longer, because while I didn’t properly-speaking install his buttons I was nearby when it happened…
I’d introduce you to the ex-wife of my friend Chris, but I don’t have her contact info. Got married out of HS, had baby, one day he got home to find the semi-undiapered baby on the kitchen table and a note that said “YOU take care of it”.
Wanting greener pastures and not being able to cope are two different things. For some people, it’s marriage itself that they can’t cope with; not everybody is built for marriage, same as not everybody is built for getting to the Olympics on the 100m dash. I’ve known people who were on spouse number three: most of those were of the greener pastures variety, the ones who get divorce with the next wedding already lined up.
I also know people who separated in their 40s, with the biggest disagreement being either “how to deal with the teenager” or “Dad still wants to behave as a teenager and Mom already feels middle-aged”; no illness, but at that point in time living together meant “hurting each other” more often than “helping each other”.
And I know people who separated because the person who was sick initiated it: spouse was either no help or even a big part of the problem. For example my aunt Mari and my uncle Xavier were living in village without so much as a Stop sign; she went into depression, the isolation didn’t help and neither did the constant putdowns. You think she’s not willing to explain it? Yes she is! Partly as a way to point out that one, moving to a place with more hens than people may not be a good idea if you can’t drive, and two, constantly calling your spouse an imbecile is not going to make them feel good or want to stay.
There’s definitely a stereotype of a woman getting breast cancer and her husband walks out. While I’m sure it’s happened, I have NEVER witnessed this, either personally or professionally. I definitely know of people who got divorced, or at least split up (see footnote) but everyone knew they were going to do that anyway.
Footnote: I had a relative who had breast cancer AND a marriage that was rapidly coming apart for other reasons, and when she entered hospice, she moved in with her mother and filed for a legal separation. She died before she could proceed further.
Sure they do. My aunt did. She and her boyfriend moved out of the country together when they were both in their late fifties. They’d been together about ten years. He had a heart attack and survived, but he needed a lot of care to recover. She wasn’t interested in that so she left like it was no big deal. He recovered and met a very nice woman who adores him. He’s so happy now. I never understood what a cool guy like him saw in my aunt. She’s a crazy, narcissistic bitch.
Sure they do, +1. — My cousin, N, and his family, from the Philippines, were living in the US on some kind of tourist visa, something like that - don’t quote me. When he and his wife, M, and their 3 kids n, m, and a, when their visa thingy expired, they decided to stay illegally here in San Francisco at the time (approx late 1980s). N got caught by INS and thrown into jail, awaiting deportation. The jail was in Oakland or Alameda, I visited him there. M, his wife, however, decided she’d rather risk staying in the US, hoping she could hide from the authorities. I visited with her to help, at that time. (N, M, and I are roughly the same age. I could see it in her eyes then, although she did not say it quite this way, she said she’d rather stay in the US without N than live together as a family with him in the Philippines. At that time n, m, and a were little kids, and who knows what she told the kids? (Perhaps something like, Daddy got caught, but we have to stay here because the US won’t let us reunite with Daddy, or some bullshit line like that — I’m guessing that is highly likely).
For better or worse? M clearly bailed on N.
And…
Sure they do, +2. — My first wife bailed on me, although I was not sick. After 11 happily married years and 3 kids, she turned 30 (we married young, obviously), and she had some kind of midlife crisis and basically woke up one day very unhappy and figured she had to escape — she So-Very-Suddenly bailed on me and our 3 kids ages 1, 9, and 7. Me and the kids, we were blindsided and floored. Totally unexpected. I was crushed, really crushed.
So you don’t even need a health issue as a reason.
Like Helena330’s uncle, I too am much better off now. I found an angel and a saint and we are very much in love, even after 16+ years of marriage. Yeah she’s the same one, Type 1 and two transplant operations. I am a blessed man, indeed!
My wife and I had been (just) friends in college and reconnected almost 30 years later. Within weeks of our starting to date, nine years ago, some pre-cancerous cells turned up in a routine biopsy after breast reduction surgery. She told me about it, and a few others sensitive details about her past, during our third date, because she didn’t want us to become involved before I knew these things. (I have to say that her honesty and courage in telling me things that might have scared some people off were among the things that made me fall I love with her.)
I went with her to the doctors while they were deciding whether to do a mastectomy, and waited in the hospital with her family during the operation. We had been dating about seven months at that point. (She had a single mastectomy and breast reconstruction on the same day, and because it was caught very early, she has been cancer-free for eight-plus years.)
But all along, she and other people, including friends and some of the nurses helping her, were marveling at the fact that I hadn’t left her, as though it was the normal thing for a man to leave his girlfriend/wife when she got cancer. I couldn’t imagine what sort of human being would to that. I hope it’s not as common as many people apparently believe.
After I wrote “I couldn’t imagine what sort of human being would to that,” I thought of adding that link and saying parenthetically, “Well, actually, I *do *know what sort.”
I say this as someone whose husband is a saint for putting up with me (I have depression and anxiety that have left me unable to work a “real” job…though this little business I fell into is going to pay me more than half of what I used to make, so it isn’t all bad)…
Disability can be like co-dependence. If your partner is unwilling to address the issues that they can address, then you are co-dependent and need to reexamine the relationship. This is not taking their medications, not going to therapy (mental health or PT), not losing weight if that is part of their health challenges. You are not required to stay with someone who makes zero effort to help themselves to the extent (or at least partial extent) of their ability.
My brother in law had been dating a girl for maybe six weeks when he got his cancer diagnosis. He died about two years later - she stuck with him for the whole time. We don’t see much of her - but to me she will always be someone I deeply, deeply admire - that she didn’t cut her losses and run at any stage of the horrible, horrible journey.
Really? I bet you do the same thing I do — I walk away, you bet your ass I do.
The moment she is empty, stops talking to me and most importantly when she no longer puts out for me — you bet your ass I drop her like the used up, shriveled, old empty can she now is. And I walk away.
I don’t even turn to look back.
Until I find a new one, prettier, colder than the last, brimming with sweat on her tight aluminum skin — this new one now has my full attention. And if she puts out for me? Then I am hers, I’m all hers.
My ex had a handful of eating disorders. She, simultaneously, had Anorexia, Exercise Bulimia and Body Dismorphic Disorder. What that means is that she ate almost nothing, but when she did eat, even a few bites, she’s go and work out for hours upon hours. At it’s worse, I think she dropped from a health 140-150ish to something under a hundred pounds. One of her doctors said if she went under 100 she’d have to be admitted to the hospital but it was the week of our wedding when it happened and he let it slide.
She did eventually get thought it and is back up to a absolutely normal weight, but I’m quite sure the mental part of it will always be there. She was (and maybe is, I don’t know this kind of stuff about her anymore) overly concerned about what other people think of her, tends to think they think the worst of her and assume that everyone is thinking about her to begin with. Like, she’ll walk into a room to do something and walk back out a few seconds later absolutely sure that the two people in there were discussing what a fat pig she is.
Anyways, that was her issue, the ‘coping’ part is that while she was sick, she was an absolute bitch [sorry, if you ever run across this]. It was the only time in the decade+ we were together that I thought about leaving. Everything was a fight, everything turned into an argument, but the thing is, none of it made any sense. For example, one time she absolutely tore me to shreds and when I finally asked when she was yelling about, it turned out that I put something on the kitchen counter here and it should have been over there, then she stormed out, slammed the door and took off. I couldn’t track her down (her cell phone was off) and when she finally got back a few hours later I asked her what that was all about and she [said she] had no idea what I was talking about, she just had to go run an errand.
I’ve always wondered if there’s are support groups for family/friends of people with depression/eating disorders. While this too did pass, so it’s hard to remember the pain, it was one of the hardest times of my life and being able to sit around with a few other people going through exactly the same thing would have been helpful.
I mentioned this to another friend one day and she said (rightly or wrongly, I don’t know) that a lot of what she was doing during that time, like starting fights for bizarre reasons, can be due to her brain being starved for nutrients and not functioning properly.
On top of all this, which lasted a year or so, she has personality traits that really exasperated it as well as are challenges in and of themselves. The biggest one being an all or nothing attitude. For example, she went from “I’d like to start working out” to running full marathons in a few months. The weight loss happened with Jenny Craig. She considered her points to be a limit not to be gone over instead of the amount you’re supposed to reach every day (also, never used flex points and never added points when she worked out). And being convinced that people were watching/looking/thinking about her, when I looked back at it years later, had always been happening.
A married couple that I know, husband had a stroke (and/or heart attack), lost oxygen to his brain long enough to cause problems. This was probably 10 years ago and he still can’t form new memories. If you knew him before it happened, he’ll still remember you. If you met him after it happened, you don’t exist to him. Hell, you can have a half hour conversation with him, go grab a soda from the kitchen and when you walk back in, he’ll think you just got there. Whats interesting is that he knows he has the problem and he’s gotten very good at hiding it. By that I mean, if he’s talking to someone that he knows is someone he’s probably met before, based on things they’re saying, he’ll just play along and act like he totally knows them too.
He had to step down as owner of a business. Him and his wife sill happily married.
On the other hand, another couple I know. The husband had his adenoids removed. A few years later, due to a mistake the surgeon made, he ended up with an infection in his brain and he had to have a small part of his brain removed to deal with it. The surgery turned him into a very different person. His wife left him over it. They’re still friends, but as she says ‘this isn’t the man I married’, the “companionship” was gone, he can’t really take care of himself very well and I’m sure there’s a lot of other issues/changes. He is a different person now, his personality has 100% changed. He too owned a business (had about a dozen restaurants that had been in his family for a very long time) that he could no longer run. He tried for a while but his wife was taking over more and more of the day to day until she was running the entire operation, which again, she never signed up for.
She’s an example of someone leaving their spouse over [what you may call] being sick.
There are also situations where people have to get divorced so the disabled spouse can qualify for disability benefits.
How about the stereotype of a family who finds out their child has some serious illness or disability, and the father flies the coop, never to be seen or heard from again?
