Maybe they will put him on a glucose drip, to get his blood sugar up to normal…
a fast cure that isn’t going to cure his hunger… just get him to pass the ‘healthy no - problem found’ test…
ok, thanks, i guess I was afraid that if he didn’t eat for a couple of days he would not go to a “homeless shelter” to eat. He has a phobia of homeless people… and minorities too (to a smaller degree).
he is not a bad guy. it is just his condition that makes him that way.
It was an honest question. I don’t understand your reasoning.
You make statements like:
But the whole “I won’t loan him money anymore” sounds like the action of someone who is either at wits end, in financial distress himself, or thinking that some “tough love” will correct the problem. I can understand you being frustrated, and I hope you’re not in financial distress yourself, but I’m not sure where you might think the new strategy might work.
He has an officially diagnosed mental problem. His housing is government-provided so no, he’s not providing that for himself. He might be smart, but seems to have some sort of impairment regarding planning for the future. I question if he’s really functional enough to truly live on his own.
From my viewpoint, one of two things is going on: either he’s taking you all for a ride and it’s easier for him to sponge off others rather than change, or he has a genuine impairment that’s not going to change.
If he has a genuine impairment… well, it’s not going to change. He’s going to continue his pattern of indulging his impulses and nothing is going to make him change. He might be better off in a more sheltered living environment even if he disagrees.
Being “smart” has nothing to do with such an impairment. Some people simple lack the machinery for long-term planning, or it doesn’t work, or doesn’t work properly. If that is the case then occasionally kicking him some cash for food, or taking him to get a burger, might be the kindest course you can take. I don’t see where telling him to go to an ER after four days without food is really “helping”.
Given his problems, he might never have a permanent job.
That would only work if he is capable of learning long-term planning. Is he?
Understandably.
Then he’s not going to like the average ER, either.
The thing is, not eating for three or four days is not a medical emergency, which is what ER’s are for. The proper place to handle being unable to purchase food for several days is, in fact, a soup kitchen or other social agency, not an ER.
Most places I have lived have soup kitchens somewhere nearby. They exist to give hungry people food. They usually serve anyone who asks to eat, and don’t require paperwork or means tests. That seems like a more responsible and safer thing to do than to go to an emergency room.
There are also food pantries that will give you groceries to take home. Some even deliver.
A third option may be begging. A non-scary guy begging for food outside a shop that sells food is likely to get some gifts. When I lived in Manhattan there was a guy who often parked outside my grocery store at the end of the month, asking passersby to get cereal and milk for his kids. I think he was successful as a beggar. (I sometimes bought him food, and he always seemed grateful. I think he actually wanted food, not drugs.)
Please don’t encourage him to clog up the local emergency room.
Yeah, he has a phobia of homeless people… but if he gets hungry enough he will probably still go to the food pantry/soup kitchen. At some point hunger will overcome anxiety…
Yes and no. It depends on his interest level. Learning a complicated piece of music, he can do. Enrolling in video game design classes and doing the homework, yes.
Financial planning and self control, or, reviewing a difficult math topic for a tutoring session, he struggles with.
Hunger has no pride. None whatsoever.
If you are hungry, you will go to a food pantry or a soup kitchen. Or a fast food restaurant or a park garbage can. It sounds disgusting, but if you are truly hungry, you will find a way to get food.
Been there, done that.
Not everyone using a soup kitchen is homeless. Actually, it’s not unusual for the majority of them to have a home, especially towards the end of the month when money gets tight for poor people. Like your friend.
You say that like those different skills use the same part of the brain. They don’t.
Learning complicated music or designing a game or doing homework is procedural learning. This is why 10 year olds can be taught to do those things.
Financial planning, self control, and planning to teach something to someone else are executive function thinking, which is a part of the brain that matures last (which is why 10 year olds are crap at it and most people don’t really get a grip on it until the late teens/early 20’s) and it is also very vulnerable to damage.
I learned way too much about this when one of my nephews suffered a traumatic brain injury. His procedural learning came back, his executive functioning is largely gone forever. That’s why he could maintain a B average when he returned to college but was completely unable to fend for himself as far as finances, housing, and planning were concerned and he’s now living permanently in a sheltered environment.
For a more thorough introduction to the concept you can start with this wiki
Bottom line, some people can be brilliant at discreet tasks (such as music or solving math problems) but unable to perform executive functions. If the parts of your friend’s brain that do these things are not working properly then it’s not that he refuses to do these things, it’s that he can not do these things.
Is that the case or not? I honestly don’t know, but you should perhaps consider the possibility. We don’t have a good fix for that impairment, and people with such an impairment are very vulnerable to exploitation, abuse, being a victim of a crime, or fraud, or otherwise being at greater risk of catastrophe than the able-brained. The kind of chaotic life your friend seems to be experiencing isn’t unusual for such people.
The Goodwill is the Salvation Army and they serve meals , a homeless shelter can still give a person a meal to eat even if their beds are full. People can get food to last a week at a Food pantry , there homeless men that kept their food at the a park and would leave a jar of peanut butter and loaf of bread on a table for other homeless people . No one would move the food . The food pantries are around are open everyday and the one in my city has clothes too. The Salvation Army supply a lot of food to the food pantry and grocery stores would donate bread and pasty that a day old . My client would have me go to the Salvation Army and pick it up for them. You don’t know what you’re talking about !
That may all be true. But he won’t do anything to fix his problem. He won’t take $100 for his parents to hold and he won’t set up his bank account with a “lockbox” saving account.
He asks my advice for lots of topics. 40% of the time he takes my advice. Or at least trys too. I don’t mind helping him. But for finances he won’t take any advice.
He also has real trouble with his work ethic. If he is committed to something, he will make effort. If he is not committed the least thing will be an excuse. It’s too hot, it’s too cold, I’ll do it next tuesday, well, it was already after 2PM… I know that sounds callous of me to say but it is a little irritating.
My point is that if his executive function is impaired then he is UNABLE to do anything fix the problem. The proper machinery isn’t working.
Of course, maybe there’s something else going on. You know more about him and his situation than we do.
But he won’t do anything to fix his problem. He won’t take $100 for his parents to hold and he won’t set up his bank account with a “lockbox” saving account.
I’m not faulting him for poor impulse control. I’m faulting him for admitting he has a problem but not be willing to take steps to fix it.
I think we’re talking past each other.
Someone with impaired executive function can recognize they have a problem but they can’t fix it. It’s like telling someone with a severed spinal cord to stand up and walk - it doesn’t matter how much they recognize they problem, how much they struggle, how much they want to fix the problem the machinery to do so is not operating.
Someone with that condition may not be able to plan far enough ahead to see a need/justification for someone holding money for him, or a lockbox savings account. That’s one of the frustrating things about the condition. You just want to take the person by the shoulders and shake them and yell DO THIS THING AND YOUR LIFE WILL BE BETTER! but the person just can’t make the connection. They *might *even be able to discuss it as a theoretical problem but they can’t actually put the plan into action.
It’s not a matter of willpower, education, or recognition of the problem, it’s that they can not do this thing that seems so obvious to the rest of us. Initially, they may not even appear disabled but in the modern world it’s a crippling condition.
Characteristically, they can’t hold a steady job, they can’t make money last paycheck to paycheck (or welfare check to welfare check), they do dumb things because they can’t connect their current actions to future consequences. How badly a person is affected can vary, but impairments in this area are found more frequently in people on the autism spectrum than in neurotypical folks.
Moderator Action
While this thread started out as factual, it has since turned into more of an advice and opinion thread.
Moving thread from General Questions to In My Humble Opinion.
The question has already been asked: Should he be living in some kind of institutional living setting? And you say he’s sufficiently independent (mostly) so that isn’t appropriate.
But is it hypothetically possible that he could be committed to an institutional living facility?
If so, then it is also hypothetically possible that some willing and responsible person could be given a conservatorship over him, with or without your friend’s consent, and that person would then have full control over his finances. The monthly benefit money would go to the conservator, who would then dole the money out to him.
Your friend would certainly (and correctly) see that as being horribly intrusive – but it’s hardly as intrusive as putting him in an institution. So, if putting him away in an institution is something that you (or his family, really) would even think about doing, then getting a conservatorship should probably also be on the table.
ETA: Wiki article about conservatorship. This article also mentions different degrees of conservatorship, giving the conservator varying degrees of control over the conservatee’s life.
Goodwill and the Salvation Army are two completely separate organizations; a given town may have one, both, or neither, and the services available vary from one town to the next. My town has several food pantries, but none is open every day (one, for example, is open on Saturdays from noon to 2:00 p.m. – that’s it, that’s the only time of the week you can go there). Plenty of smaller towns don’t have any food banks or homeless shelters at all. Food left out in the park here would disappear: if nothing else, the raccoons and coyotes would devour it.
You don’t know what you’re talking about if you think that every town has the same services and options as your town.
I will try to give a lot of consideration to what you have said
This is kind of what I am hoping for as well
you are correct
NYC, however, has probably more resources than anywhere in the USA
Your friend may already know the emergency food tricks in his location.
Day shelters often give out bagged lunches.
Soup kitchens
Our government center gives out $5 McDonalds cards
Dumpster diving is definitely a thing
You and he have my sympathies. There are scores of people with traumatic brain injury who are almost homeless, almost starving, receiving disability and food stamps, but almost not making it. Their injury/impairment makes it impossible to live in a group home or shelter.
You could give your friend a jar of peanut butter and a loaf of bread at the end of each month, and wish him well, but there’s nothing you can really “do” for him.
That’s what you have to face and cope with in a healthy manner. Seek help if you need help doing that. He is living his own life, you need to live yours. Guilt is not a helpful emotion. Nor is worry/anxiety. He’ll be all right, in his way. You be all right, too.
To put it in perspective, lots of people simply cannot manage a monthly budget without any diagnosed mental or developmental disabilities/disorders/diseases. It’s not an easy thing to fix, for some people it just can’t be fixed, they’ll always live paycheck to paycheck and things will get real lean from time to time. I’m not talking about the people whose income is necessarily so low that it’s impossible for them to make it from one paycheck to the next without lean times, but the people who lack the financial management abilities to do so. It sounds like your friend is in that category, possibly due to his developmental disability.
It sounds like you want to help but giving him money at the end of each month isn’t easy for you or a great long term option. Have you considered going to a cheap grocery store like an Aldi or a Costco/Sam’s Club (if you have a membership) and just buying maybe a week’s worth of staple foods? I mean the true staples, nothing fancy. Maybe some rice, beans, bread, peanut butter etc. It’ll cost a lot less than $100 and give it to him sometime during the month and then you don’t have to worry about him starving.