Day Two: Internal Analysis or as StrTrkr would call it a “Level 3 Diagnostic of My Internal Software Protocols”. 
Re: The Suicide Core
I thought you may be interested in knowing that I have counter-reasoned the suicide core theory.
The key is the last moment before death. It is the Spirit of Osu! that lives there. All things flowed from THAT moment, and not the preceeding moments of despair. Literally, I believe the Spirit of Osu! saved me, and so quite logically I pursued that as a founding principle.
This doesn’t mean that suicide is not a deep part of me. The Creation Principles flows from it perfectly.
Since I see myself as generally a positive person, this outlook makes more sense. The Spirit of Osu! is more than capable of turning death (suicide as a deep principle) into life (creation principle).
Re: Do I want to believe?
The answer I think remains yes; however, now that I have removed this dark cloud of the deep despair I have experienced these past few days (didn’t I tell you … DELUSION and ILLUSION are the killers, avoid them like death itself), I can see things more clearly. (btw, I am still moderately depressed, which isn’t unusual for me, so if I seem that way don’t worry, whenever I am thinking about my suicide attempt I get a little depressed but it is no big deal).
I realize what I am about to say is very my in contradiction to Christian philosophy and could even be considered blasphemy against God, but I need and want only one thing from God. I want what I feel He should have given me then. Until that hurdle is covered, I don’t think I could, or even should, make any serious attempt towards being a Christian.
As for reading the Bible and such. The answer is a firm, but polite… no. I went down that path already. It led to my near destruction. I am willing to make reasonable attempts to find God, but I will not open myself up like I did before. I don’t think I should have to. I am the one who suffered most from this little test in my life. I see no reason why I should pursue the EXACT same path again. I mean imagine such objectively! Imagine a person hooked on drugs and almost dies … if they sobered up would you consider them the highest of fools for turning back to drugs?!? Of course. I am not going to turn back to theology.
Yes, I am sure this will be interpreted as fighting God. It is perhaps accurate. I am only a stupid, frail human. My experiences determine who I am, and God choose what those experiences would be. If He didn’t want me to be in a fighting mood towards Him, He shouldn’t have set me up for the fall.
I believe I do have free will, but as with many Christians I see life’s event (assuming a god) as challenges. With my suicide attempt being so critica, I can see no reason not to conclude that it was a test (again, assuming a god). As with the post before, I am not a test case. I do not enjoy being put through trials and tribulations for the seeming joy of it. If things hadn’t of turned out the way they did, perhaps I wouldn’t feel this. Again, to use the previous example, if I had of dropped the sword without injury that would be something so very different than what I went through.
God knows where I am. He knows who I am. He knows what I need. He knows what I want. He knows the door is still barely open and I welcome Him to come through on His own accord anytime He pleases. He is welcome to hold me responsible for my attitude and sacriligious manner. If He finds it offensive and I have any capability to fight Him, I will do so. If I cannot fight Him in any manner, I will gladly walk into Hell to be apart from Him.
My apologies if this offends anybody, I don’t mean it to, but I really do think I was terribly wronged. I say this as my only means of defense of self. Without this reasoning, I think I would go mad and I would surely die.
And now onto Lib’s John 6.
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) to read through some of the more recent posts… boy will my post this afternoon be long… Just a warning 
But then I’ll be gone all weekend too, so I am making up for it in advance.