This might seem like a stupid question, but how smart are Chimps? let’s say they’ve got the Meatros Mouthguard in, would it still try to pull you in close to bite?
I’m thinking, if so, then that might give a trained fighter time to execute a good shot or two at the Chimp skull…
Can I wear my knuckle-dusters?
600g of steel in each hand might give you a fighting chance. They’d probably kill a human being.
Damned if I know. I’m not an expert on chimps.
I’d feel marginally less worried, knowing that the chimp was denied the use of its instinctive and #1 method of raising havoc. But chimps are skilled at opening locks and such, and might figure out how to de-muzzle themselves.
More directly, though, they still have the use of the hands and arms, and these are immensely powerful. It can still grab things and crush them, or try to pull them off, all single-handed. and it doesn’t need to touch the ground to be able to grab, say, each of my arms with one of its arms and pull until something gets popped out of its socket, or worse.
I don’t know that it would feel compelled to do so by instinct, if deprived of the use of its teeth, or could rationalize that it could substitute carnage by use of hands when denied that of its mouth. But my knowledge that it could do so would still make me very worried.
So I’m gonna assume that Magiver isn’t going to admit he was wrong here?
Also, I’m sure iron knuckles would help. But so would a knife or a pistol.
There’s something about this discussion about how to fight a chimp reminds me of Stymie in the “Our Gang” short “Shiver My Timbers” where he’s talking about how he could beat up a pirate, and he goes on talking, while making punching motions, saying, "I’d hit him like this, and I’d hit him like that, and I’d hit him like this, and. . . "
I’d be curious about a fight between a chimp and a gorilla. Gotta give the size advantage to the gorilla, but chimps are just effin’ mean! There just don’t seem to be the same kind of reports about gorillas chewing off hands and ripping off faces.
I was kind of hoping I’d get a reply to my request but I’m guessing it’s not going to happen.
Chimp vs. pirate. Taking all bets…
I bet $300 on this guy.
Seeing those hairless Chimps reminds me of one logical explanation for the Roswell incident that I heard somewhere. It was a military balloon that was manned by two chimpanzee test subjects that had been shaved completely and were hairless, thus looking quite alien.
No they don’t. Didn’t you see that episode of Mythbusters?
I hope that not another one of “those” facts. You know, like the one about how a croc or alligator can run like 30mph and out run a horse but it turns out isn’t actually true. (Well, unless it falls off a cliff or something.) Err, come to think of it actually I hope it’s one of those “facts”
According to this website they have a top speed of 40km/h (25mph).
Also I’m noting that this question has been askedquite a few timesbefore.
They also have the mythical 30mph alligator which is pretty much nonsense. (Pretty much if you see an alligator doing 30mph it’s in the back of a pickup.) Hmm, they also have crocs at 12mph. Again, no adult croc can run that fast.
Okay, for some reason this topic extremely fascinates me, let’s say you have a top MMA fighter and a juvenile chimp (the type that are seen in movies and such, not a baby).
Would that be a ‘fair’ fight, or would that chimp still whomp the human?
Let’s get this straight. No human has a chance against an enraged chimp. Chimps are incredibly strong, fast, and when enraged oblivious to pain. Even a trained athlete, boxer, MMA fighter, wrestler, would have no chance. If you review the cases of chimp attacks you will see that chimps are still active and dangerous after being stabbed, shot, and hit on the head with metal pipes.
In a a reputed incident that occurred at a carnival, Bruno Sammartino, one time pro wrestling champion was said to have beaten a chimp (possibly orang) in a staged fight. The animals were gloved, and trained to only hot their opponents. One account has the trainer stopping the fight when Bruno actually hit the poor animal, who hadn’t actually faced any real competition before. But in any case, the ape wasn’t enraged, and by all accounts, Bruno came out of the fight bruised and bloody. The Frank Buck account has to be taken with a grain of salt, Buck was a showman, and many of his stories were exagerrated.
What if the chimp was simply ill-tempered?
What if it had a Mormon upbringing, a mouthpiece, and the flu?
How to Avoid a Chimp Attack:
If it had a Mormon upbringing, you’re in trouble. Be prepared for long, chimp-accented lecture on Which Religion is True.
Arguably even more useful article:
So You Need to Disarm a Chimpanzee.
The fact this appears on the Cracked website doesn’t make me doubt its accuracy at all.
That’s very funny.
Also, Magiver you gonna come back, buddy?
