Cranky Hits Rock Bottom as a Parent

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I wish this post could be amusing, but I ain’t got it in me.

Let me introduce this by saying I have always tried to be a careful, thoughtful parent. So has Mr. Cranky. We had Cranky Jr. when we were both past 30. We had time and resources to prepare for parenthood. We both have read books on raising the little creatures. We care about doing things right. I carefully researched many of the aspects of his care as an infant, not to mention all the baby gear we bought. I have a good group of other moms I confer with on the internet, and together we inform each other about trends, worries, concerns, and strategies, and we’ve done so since we were expecting. I always thought I was too lazy to be a great parent, but having little Cranky brought out the best in me.

That said, today we found out that Cranky Jr, not even two years old, has cavities. We, his idiot parents, did not start brushing his baby teeth early enough. We weren’t consistent enough about it, either. I knew that letting him fall asleep after nursing could hurt his teeth, but I didn’t think that would matter that much. Same with letting him have a bottle before naps, once he weaned. I thought that somehow dental problems wouldn’t touch the Cranky household. Not us! Not the informed, educated, caring parents! That happens to other people, people who let their baby have candy, or drink soda, or never use a toothbrush.

When the dentist told me the pediodontist would probably have to sedate Cranky Jr. and then restrain him to treat this, and that is generally so unnerving that parents aren’t even allowed in the room, I burst into tears.

God, I feel like such a crappy parent! We knew better! We knew! And now he has to go through an experience that he may very well find traumatic, all because my stupid self thought we were invincible on this front.

Mr. Cranky and I feel absolutely horrible. I wouldn’t wish this feeling on anybody.

Furthermore, once we treat this, we’re going have to be maniacs about dental care. Apparently Cranky Jr. has a mouth that is plaque heaven. This is surprise, because Mr Cranky and I have pretty good teeth, and no major dental problems. Sigh.

Did I mention I don’t have Cranky Jr on our dental insurance, because I didn’t think he’d need dental care until he’s three? No big loss, our dental insurance pays about 1% of anything beyond cleanings.

2

Awww, Cranky. You know I love you. Since you have validated me I’ve felt this incredible bond with you. :wink:

Seriously, you would have never, ever allowed this to happen on purpose. It sucks and my heart goes out to you, especially for the ‘fixing’ of his teeth part. We just do the best we can as parents. The most important thing in my book is to make the child feel loved and accepted. So, while teeth are terribly important, they are fixable.

To alleviate your guilt (which I understand completely but think is unnecessary) just read him longer than you usually do each night.

3

read to him longer

(I tell you, it’s the stinkin’ bowflex. It has ruined my typing skills)

4

Aw, Cranky-don’t sweat it! Remember, these ARE baby teeth.

Hey, you didn’t know. And you know what-if this is the worst thing that happens to him, then he’s in good hands. Think of all the shitty parents out there-they aren’t you, and you aren’t one of them.

He’ll be okay. Don’t beat yourself up over it, sweets.

5

Oh, that’s so hard. Our son had to have surgery for a hydrocele (kind of a pre-hernia) at only 15 months and it’s so tough to watch the little guys go through all that scary stuff.

One piece of advice: He probably won’t be allowed to eat for a long time before the procedure, so bring along lots of things to entertain him while you’re waiting.

On the bright side, kids that age bounce back amazingly quickly and they don’t really seem to hold a grudge. Our son was trotting around happily a few hours after general anesthesia.

Is it possible that they will let you be will him until he is relaxed from the sedative? We were allowed to stay with our son until he was asleep.

6

Cranky –

Your kid will recover from this – they’re just baby teeth. You’ve had an early-warning message that will make you a better parent in the end.

But you should try to be a little less sensitive or the teenage years will be hell. Last week my daughter told my wife that her childhood was disfunctional. Only a daughter would attack her mom (sons attack same-sex parents) and only a mother would feel guilty about any adolescent wisecrack. I teased my daughter mercilessly about the comment, knowing that she was lashing out at mom: was it the private Montessori schools? or the ski lessons that did it? or the trip to Europe last year?

Similarly, my daughter told us, “It’s your fault that you didn’t FORCE me to eat vegetables.” We serve everything in this house – African, Mexican, American, Chinese, French cuisine so it’s not because she hasn’t seen it.

My reply, “Well, we’ll start forcing you now.”
“Oh, it’s too late now,” quoth the little hypocrite. But they’re teenagers: that’s the only explanation.

Toughen that old hide, Cranky!

7

I’m sorry, Cranky. That stinks. But please don’t beat yourself up over it. Stuff like this happens, and it doesn’t make you a bad Mom.

Cranky, Jr is less than 2 and he’s already got cavities? He really must have some unusual mouth chemistry going on that helps lead to that sort of thing. Since, as you said, you and Mr. Cranky have always had pretty good luck with your teeth, there’s no way you could expect your child’s experience to be so vastly different from your own. As for not brushing your child’s teeth after nursing ---- c’mon, how many Moms do you think really do that? Nursing my sons was the way I got my them relaxed and ready to sleep. I always scoffed at those people who really think that at the end of a long day, I would wake up a sleeping baby to attend to dental hygiene.

I also read a lot of those books and magazine articles that said that you should start taking your child to the dentist as soon as they had teeth. I asked my dentist, and he said that he didn’t recommend bringing kids in until they were at least 3. (Unfortunately, I found out later that this should have been my first sign that he was really lousy with kids.)

My older son’s first few checkups went OK, but when he was 5, he had a cavity. I had been pretty conscientious about helping him brush until he was about 4, but about then I had Son #2, and was usually nursing him when Son #1 needed to brush at bedtime. So, I usually ended up letting my husband supervise, or let him do it on his own ---- and thus we ended up with a cavity. This was discovered by a substitute dentist (who was subbing for my regular dentist.) This guy was REALLY horrible with children, so I was very glad when he suggested I have this done by a pediatric dentist.

I was sort of put off by the literature the pediatric dentist had that said that they generally preferred that parents not accompany their kids for treatment. They said that they do this because they want to have the kids to bond with them, rather than trying to look to their parents to take them away when they get scared. Actually, there is probably a lot of truth to this. It’s sort of analogous to my kids’ swim lessons. Lots of kids (mine included) would freak out and scream for Mom and Dad to get them out of there if Mom and Dad stood by the side of the pool. If the parents got out of eyesight, however, the kids would calm down, accept the swim teacher’s authority, and do great.

All the same, I wanted to be there for my son’s treatment, since I thought that he would find my presence comforting. The dentist didn’t have a problem with it. As the literature had requested, I pretty much just sat there where my son could see me, and kept my mouth shut while the dentist was working on him. Since there was a good bit of waiting-around time, I’m glad that I was there to joke around with him and not let him worry about being in a strange place with strangers.

Being there also gave me a good chance to observe the dentist’s technique. He was absolutely terrific. He was very careful about explaining what noises and sensations were. (The drill was “Mr. Whizzy”, and he used the side of it to tickle my son’s had before using it in his mouth.) I was very impressed at how adept he was at hiding the huge syringe he used to shoot the novacaine into my son’s mouth. My son never saw it.

Even though my son is typically a major hyponchondriac who freaks out if I just want to put a little Bactine on a bug bite, he came through without any problem. (They did use nitrous oxide, but he didn’t seem at all spaced out by it.) The experience was actually something of a confidence builder for him, since Dr. Rob kept telling what a super job he was doing. Both of my sons absolutely LOVE going to see Dr. Rob now.

My kid did fine because Dr. Rob was able to build a rapport with him. Since Cranky Jr is so young, this may not be possible and they may decide that sedation is the way to go. If so, this shouldn’t give him bad memories of the event that will traumatize him for life. I know I was worried that my son would be traumatized by the horrible dentist, but he has totally put that behind him.

So, take it easy on yourself. What’s done is done, and the damage isn’t permanent. I think the folks who are brave enough to specialize in pediatric dentistry are a special breed, so I hope you’re able to find as good a one as I did.

8

Uh, no, he didn’t give take-home samples of the nitrous oxide. Delete the “my” in the first sentence. Make the last word “hand” in the second one.

(I wanted to be especially sure I cleared up that second one, since my husband was fascinated by the term “Mr. Whizzy” and keeps making obscene references about things he can do with his Mr. Whizzy …)

9

Cranky, I’ve had two dentists, a periodontist, and a pediatrician tell me that most kids don’t really need to see a dentist until their around the age of three, unless there’s an obvious problem.

Don’t sweat it. As long as Cranky Jr. is happy, healthy, and well-adjusted, a few cavities won’t traumatize him. But you might want to ask the dentist if you can have a hit of the nitrous. ;}

10

Don’t worry about it. Read the words of wisdom from mooney252 several times and it will come in handy later.

Waxteeth Jr. (total coincidence on the username) had to have a bridge of his front 4 teeth as a little tyke. He was born without enough enamel.
One day we had to remove the bridge and he was without choppers until his adult teeth came in.

He’s 10 years old now and those damn teeth are as crooked as a jackolantern. He has an orthodontist appointment in a couple weeks.

Kids and teeth what are you gonna do? :smiley:

11

Join the club, babe. For what it’s worth, here’s something I wrote a while ago:
I have the toughest job in the world – frustration, low (no) pay, long hours and the most demanding bosses that you have ever met……………………

I’m a dad. Maybe you are too.

A lot of opinion has been paid to parenting lately, with articles, opinions and commentaries about how to do it best coming from all kinds of sources. Sometimes it seems as if there is no end to the stream of experts who will tell you the best way to raise your kids, or who are ready to tell you that you are doing it all wrong.

And sometimes I am ready to believe them. There have been countless times when it seemed that I just couldn’t do anything right. I have huge doubts that I am cut out for this, or that I am the right man for the job. Yes, I lose my temper – yell and rage- and then feel like a fool and an incompetent for losing my self-control. I ask myself – what am I doing wrong? Who am I to have taken on this tremendous responsibility? Why do all of the other parents seem to be doing so much better at this than I am?

But then there are the rewards too, and they seem to come along just in the nick of time to banish the blues. When I come home from work, and my 5 year old runs up with a hug and a big “Hi, Dad!”, I feel 10 feet tall. I get an incredible amount of pleasure at seeing their pride in mastering a new skill, such as riding a bike or making a cast with a fishing pole, almost as if I had done it myself. That smile of accomplishment wipes out a lot of the doubts. Few words are more pleasant to hear than an exuberant “look at what I can do, Dad!”

There is so much that I want to teach my boys – so much of myself that I want to pass along to them. Too many of the most important lessons in life are not learned at school, and that is what I am really here for. I feel so sad for those boys and girls who are deprived of a set of parents who really care for them.

So I keep going on as best as I possibly can, knowing that I am not perfect. If I really had known what I was getting into, maybe I wouldn’t have taken this job. But now that I have it, I wouldn’t trade it for any other in the world.

11/28/00

12

I’m sorry. And I’ve been there and done that. I cried. They filled her teeth. With me standing next to her after swearing I wouldn’t pass out or throw up. She was fine. Her brother came along and got water in his naptime bottles.

13

Cranky, as far as I can tell, some people have strong teeth… and some have weak teeth.
My brother and I used to stand at the sink together and brush our teeth (or dunk our brushes in the water to make it LOOK like we’d brushed our teeth at one age level), so our teeth had exactly the same treatment. Yet throughout our childhood, he had cavities, and I didn’t. Now I’m 24, and I don’t take good care of my teeth. I brush them once a day. I don’t take my time about it, I don’t do an especially good job, but I have only 1 cavity, and it is too small to fill. It’s been there about 4 years. My brother has multiple fillings.
My brother’s friend had good strong teeth, and never had problems as a child, but both his little sisters had terribly weak teeth, and were constantly having fillings. Their mother didn’t treat the girls any different to the boys.
My mother and her siblings also had varying problems with their teeth. The second eldest boy refused to see a dentist until he was 17 years old, and then he had only one tiny cavity.
It’s the luck of the draw - you get good teeth, or you don’t. Brushing is not that important in this equation.

14

I’ve always enjoyed reading your posts; and don’t we all [parents] go thru the worse trials of life with our little ones. I spin my wheels sometimes about the difficulty of being a parent but as my grandma [mother of 13]said:

“You’ll get all kinds of advice from friends and strangers, but just remember that they [your kids] are all different just like everyone else is for that matter.” So I have one kid with thumbsucker teeth, one kid with crevices and another with porous, brittle teeth. Those “How to Be A Good Parent” are generalities so you need to know your kids. You sound like a good parent who is trying to do your best.

However… there are times when you can’t help being an idiot: our daughter complained about going to sleep in her bedroom for two weeks. I forced her to go to bed until one night she came in my room hysterical. Dumb me up to that point. I asked her what was her problem. “Bears. There are bears above my bedroom.” We were living in Africa at the time. “Bears?” “Yes, big ones.” So I went to her room and listen to what I thougth were big lizards. Turns out that there were rats in the attic [and maybe bats in my belfry].

15

cranky, I didn’t take either of my kids to the dentist til they were 3. I didn’t even begin brushing their teeth until around 2. And I don’t know one parent who brushed his/her children’s teeth while they were still nursing. So, please, quit beating yourself up.

My advice is to get a second opinion. I have 2 dentists in the family, and both have warned me of unscrupulous dentists who try to re-coup the income they’ve lost (through managed care) by inventing cavities, root canals, etc.

I’m not saying that it’s impossible for an unweaned child to have cavities at 2. And I’m not saying your dentist is a crook. But I am saying that it might be worth paying the $50 to get a second opinion…just to be sure.

16

Don’t worry, Cranky, if it wasn’t this it would be something else. It’s our lot in life as parents to suffer along with the kids and feel guilty. You didn’t do anything too terrible. Some kids just get bad teeth. Others could chew aluminum cans and eat 10 pounds of sugar and end up just fine.

I took my oldest to a pediatric dentist when he was 2 or 3 (I can’t remember). Lots of plaque buildup. They cleaned them and sealed the molars and he still ended up with cavities in a year or so. Now, x-rays show that he has no adult molars and never will. Bum genetics from my husband’s side. We’ll be stuck with those fillings for life. And the front teeth came in so crooked that he looks like an extra from Deliverance. We’ll spend a fortune in cosmetic dentistry for a normal smile, and his kids will be born with gopher teeth.

His younger brother just got fillings at 7 years old. Chalky enamel, probably caused by ear infections. Should I have treated more of those (even though he had no obvious symptoms) and made him resistant to antibiotics? There’s no sight like hindsight. But at least he has a full set of teeth.

So hang in there, make sure the dentist is a pediatric specialist and get a second opinion if you have any doubts. Whatever you can do to set your mind at rest and make it easy on the little one, who will forget the whole thing long before you do.

17

I know exactly how you feel Cranky but this isn’t our fault. A lot of problems with teeth are inherited… look at your parents, grandparents, and siblings and see how different their teeth are.

My daughter turned 3 in August and I’ve been brushing and flossing her teeth since the very first one came in and she still had a cavity. I took her to a pediodontist and he cleaned her teeth and took x-rays and told me that they were going to have to put a cap on her tooth! My daughter’s insurance is wonderful and pays for 100% of everything after I pay a $50 deductible so the cost wasn’t a worry but I didn’t see how putting a cap on her baby tooth was necessary when it was just a small cavity and the tooth was going to fall out eventually anyway.

I then took her to my regular dentist for a second opinion because I didn’t think an expensive cap was necessary and my dentist confirmed that. She just needed a small filling. With both dentists I wasn’t allowed to go in the room with her… this was fine with me. The main reason they do this is because when parents are around the kids tend to whine and act up more. If the parents aren’t with them they seem to be more cooperative. They’re not going to do anything to purposely hurt them or scare them.

My dentist gave her a little gas and then numbed her gums before putting any shots in. He said she did wonderful. She was very cooperative and did what they told her to do. She came running out to me with a handful of stickers and a new toothbrush and before we left she gave the dentist and his assistant a big hug. She wasn’t scared by the experience at all… that was my main worry. She said it didn’t hurt a bit!

My daughter is 3 1/2 now and my son is 1 1/2 and I brush and floss their teeth every morning and every night. Luckily they like brushing their teeth and cooperate with me! This probably won’t prevent them from ever getting a cavity but it will certainly help.

Don’t worry about it. You son will get through this just fine and so will you. This isn’t a major parenting faux pas!! Hang in there.

18

Way back when, my 2yr old daughter needed emergency surgery at 3am in the morning. We were told we could be there while they put her under, but we had to promise not to move a muscle regardless of what we saw. And what we saw was horrible. Our little girl wailing and struggling while 2 people held her down trying to keep the mask in place. The wife and I still cringe at the memory. Also, I was the lucky guy who got to take the kid for allergy testing. 3 years old this time. I got to watch while a doctor stabbed her with a pushpin about 50 times all over her body.

As for the dental issue… Sounds like your kid is the perfect candidate for teeth sealing. My daughter is now a plump 10 yr old candy eating machine, with no cavities. Having her teeth sealed a few years ago saved her pain and me money. Ask a dentist. Hopefully a different one, as any dentist who would not allow a parent next to the kid during a procedure like that would not get my business.

19

Cranky, Cranky, Cranky–bad things are going to happen to your son. Very bad things. Much worse things than a couple of fillings, and there is nothing you can do about it. It is just part of being human. You can’t beat yourself up when things like this come up. I have peers who were raised by parents who seemed to feel that they (the parents) had the ability to control everything, and who felt guilty whenever things went less than optimaly. What I have seen this do is train children to be manipulitive–the parents are so willing to do anything to keep from feeling guilty or to make up for feeling guilty that the children can’t help but learn that this is how normal people interact.

Also, you might really consider whether or not you would have been done anything different knowing what you know now (except for the insurance thing). If I had to chose between 1) waking my child up, squezing thier cheeks, and poking a stick in thier mouth every time they had just drifted off comfortably to sleep at my breast and b) having them go through a short tramatic event, I don’t know that I wouldn’t have chosen b. This is just not that big of a deal.

Don’t tell yourself this is rock-bottom as a parent. If you do, it is gonna hurt so bad later.

20

Cranky, puhleeeze. If this is rock bottom for you then I am Mommie Dearest. Mine’s only 7, and every day I read Child Magazine and parenting.com and I still screw everything up. Oddly, the boy seems okay.

Re: teeth, ugh. I’m sorry that your guy had cavities. My son had 7 - yes, SEVEN - cavities filled a couple of months ago. All seven popped up within 3 months (no trust issues with the dentist; she showed me the x-rays and was a stunned as I was). We had those taken care of and sealed up the molars tight.

My own personal dental history is spotty. I’ve always had bad teeth. I just had three crowns put in because of long-ago tooth injuries (that I ignored, I admit). So I’ve put more effort into looking after my son’s teeth, and the cavities were yet another reason to question my parenting practices. Well, now I know that I can do as much as I can do. I’ll police his brushing and flossing, I’ve gone the sealant route, and beyond that…I can’t do.

Anyhoo, good luck to you and Cranky Jr.