How often had I done this?
Probably every day for at least three months.
Well, it was time…I switched on the computer and eventually my homepage appeared. I clicked on Favourites, and sighed with frustration—the Straight Dope bulletin board was “not available”.
Another bad day at the office.
V
I ate tortellini once. It was after Big MeeMama shot the Jehovah’s witness but was before Daddy eat the contaminated squirrel brains and run over Billy Al with the Impala thinking he was Belial. They had it on the buffet at Quincy’s. Didn’t like it much, but that’s the story.
of course I’m reminded of the old LAUGH IN sketch when the schoolteacher (Lily Tomlin) asks her students to “Write a story that includes religion, romance, royalty, and mystery”. One student (Flip Wilson) raises his hand immediately and says “I’m done”. “You can’t possibly be done” says the lesbian schoolteacher who would later be a Shrinking Woman. “Let’s here what you’ve written.”
Student: “Good Lord! said the queen. 'I’m pregnant. Who done it?”
It must have been the worst plague in history; well, actually it ended history. Nobody left but me now. It was hard work clearing the freeway with a bulldozer, but now I make my morning commute in ten minutes flat, and can park right in front of the building. Sweet!
It was 6-5 in the bottom of the ninth, based loaded, Game Seven of the World Series. The unheralded rookie stepped in, took a mighty swing. Then another, and another. He struck out. Game over. What a loser.
“Life on Mars!” Roberts sneered.
“There’s no life on this dust ball, and there never has been. This entire mission has been a monumental waste of taxpayer dollars in the name of preserving NASA’s budget.”
But the virus now replicating wildly inside him was on a mission of its own.
That was awesome, Sampiro.
After Kraken Alliance dissolved, remaining Canadian operatives decamped. Gonzalez Macchi disavowed all knowledge of them, but Gran Chaco swarmed with hitmen like mosquitoes. Supply drops were necessarily curtailed. Aquatic contingency training made Rio Paraguay their only viable route… Asuncion fell to them next. And so Canadian Autocracy took the Americas.
Behind his sullen exterior lurked a mind of stone. No mercy, no thoughts for consequence lay within.
The dark street echoed with his retreating footsteps, a single streetlamp outlining the supine victim.
“Now she can find peace.” came his whisper. “my love is avenged".
The anger within began to die.
Once upon a time I was browsing my favourite message board - SDMB, when I came across a thread which challenged posters to write a fifty word story. Thinking this might be a chuckle I decided to give it a go, unfortunately the story I wrote was crap.
It had to be the most embarrassing way a vampire could die.
She had seemed so sweet, so defenseless, so…tempting, as she locked the library door behind her and hurried down the sidewalk, around the corner and into the darkened carpark. This would be easy.
Damned number 2 pencils!
Holly walked lightly along the causeway, away from Marcus’s burning Corvette.
Bye to Marcus and his infidelities, bye to the trailer, bye to oil wrestling at Floyd’s dive.
A minivan rolled up. The young woman inside said, “Need any help?”
Holly grinned. “I could sure use a ride to Houston” .
Initially, it seemed miraculous when people stopped dying, though Jesus didn’t reappear. Of course medical industries collapsed, but no one missed HMOs and insurance payments. Births continued and the population grew exponentially. When the resulting Race War showered razor bombs and GenoSuiCide Pills globally, well, they felt like miracles, too.
Rain fell gently upon them as their lips parted. They embraced watching the waves lap against the shore.
“We should go,” said Franny. “We’ll miss the bus.”
“Yeah.” said Sue. “And I should probably explain this to Tom.”
I never really wanted to be Pope. True: I did get to wear cool robes and funny hats, but I hated writing those freakin’ Bulls. So I headed for Monte Carlo. “I’m going to take this supposed infallibility out for a spin, and see what it can do,” I thought.
Hmmm. I love this kind of a thing, I’ve never tried it before but the idea is thrilling. Okay if I take a swipe at more than one genre? Of course it’s okay, it’s the Straight Dope. 
Romance
The ache was an impenetrable force, an army of lonliness. Nestled within her womb curled the produce of their prodigious couplings.
Like women before her, the two stone-faced men at the door were impossible to see through the torrent of tears. The message was delivered before they spoke.
Loss.
Tragedy
He knelt before the Minister next to the soon-to-be mother of his child. Taking the Blessings, he knelt and showed the attentive congregation the soles of his feet.
Emblazoned on the two shoes was the phrase, " Help Me ". Laughter errupted through out the room, wrecking the lovely moment.
Cartooniverse
I can’t stay away from this thread.
“I think I’m stuck.”
“Emotionally or mentally?”
“Physically. Turn on your flashlight.”
“Holy God, it looks like you’re cut off at the knees!”
“I’m sinking down. Hoist me out.”
“Right. Shit, I dropped the flashlight.”
“Nevermind. Get-- what’s that squelching?”
“I’m walking toward you.”
“No!”
“Um… I think I’m stuck.”
This one is over the limits, but it is by a famous author. Aurthur C Clarke’s “Qurarantine”
A wise man found a genie in a lamp, who granted him three wishes. For his first wish he wished for more money than he could ever spend. For his second he wished for eternal life. For his third, he wished for the genie to grant him fifty more wishes.
She watched as the universe collpased around her. The final black hole consumed every last particle. All the stars, all the worlds, all she ever knew was there, yet gone. Immortality was not the blessing she had thought. She sighed as gravity pulled her in to her final reward, finally.
There was once a boy who ate fire. He died.