A thread over the weekend inspired me to pull out my old training manual from a crisis intervention hotline. In the section about potential suicides, the “do nots” include trying to discourage a suicide by suggesting how the suicide would affect their family or loved ones. This is offered without explanation, though the manual did include rationales for some of its instructions (i.e. avoid asking “why” because it can trigger defensiveness.)
Though I wouldn’t dream of acting against this advice, it seemed counterintuitive at first. Does anyone know why this advice is included?
I have two guesses. One is that this could lead the caller into further negativity (“Don’t you want to live for your family?” “My family hates me”) and could easily lead into the glib assurances we’re urged to avoid, forcing the counselor to make leaps for all sorts of people who aren’t there. (“Oh, I’m sure your family doesn’ t hate you.” Who knows? Maybe they do.)
The other is that mentioning the effect on other people would make the call about the family and loved ones, not the person calling.
Wild guess: Suicidal people often seem to believe that they are so horrible/worthless/etc. that their loved ones are actually better off without them. Talking about their reactions might lead the suicidal person to feel even worse because they might think everyone else’s loved ones would feel that way, but theirs wouldn’t because he or she is so worthless.
It is important that people find reasons to live for themselves. To say, don’t you want to live for your family and friends can give them more reasons to get more depressed. Depression, as well as a lot of other things, needs to be worked through with helping a person find there own way out. Depending on others for your happiness, not to mention you life, will leave you with no where to go.
I can use an example from my own life, not suicide but same general idea. I tried to quit smoking for a boyfriend, but as soon as something went wrong in the relationship I started again. I didn’t care enough about myself to want to help myself, but I couldn’t rely on someone else.
Talking someone down from suicide is similar. They need internal motivation to live. External motivation can be discounted as soon as they are no longer talking to you, and therefore the conversation put them farther back than they were when they called. Obviously, they saw something inside themselves that was worth saving because they made the phone call. Taking the emphasis back off them, may trigger the desparation.
Families are an emotionally loaded idea for anyone, let alone potential suicides.
News reports are filled with people who kill themselves and their whole families. I asked a therapist why people who would kill themselves would do something as horrible as taking small children’s lives as well. He said sometimes they can’t bear to imagine their lives going on without them, or hurting them by abandoning them, and seek to spare their pain also. I know. It doesn’t seem to make sense, but then, we’re not talking about a normal situation.
I’m sure that the guideline is in place because there is no way of knowing the emotional situation of the caller’s life, and the family could be a source of extreme pain or guilt. Referring to it would only make the person re-live the emotional hurt connected with their families.
Also, it kind of gives a “Quit being selfish” kind of motif to it. “Why are you being so self centered? Why don’t you think of someone else for a change?” I’m pretty sure noone would put the question like this, but when people are going threw serious emotional duress, even the simplest of comments/questions carry a whole slew of other meanings to them. The focus is still on them in this case, but it’s another negative reinforcement.
A strong deterrent for many suicidal people is that they have small children. I’m curious that this is a “do not.” Does it just say “family”, or is there more specific info? Like, say, don’t talk about parents to teenagers? That one is pretty obvious, in that most teenagers can’t stand their parents, and a suicidal one might do it just for spite.
I’ve heard from several people that they can’t suicide because they’re louse of an ex will get custody of the kids, which is unthinkable. Is it getting at they might decide to “mercy kill” their children before the suicide, thereby giving them concrete reason they must go through with it?
What are the other “do nots”? I’ve never actually heard what the official “talk down” rules are, and am quite curious. I have known more than my share of attempted/succeeded suicides. The info could come in handy some day.
That’s somewhat true, but the analogy doesn’t quite hold. Suicidal ideation can’t be overcome “for” somebody else, even temporarily. You can’t control your thoughts. For instance, when you quit for your boyfriend, you couldn’t stop wanting to smoke.
Honestly, they might just want to hear a last human voice before they go. But you are absolutely right in that they require internal motivation to live.