Critique my letter please...

Seeing that many of you folks are much better writers than I am, I would love to see what you think of this letter I composed to my local government today regarding a storm water problem I’ve been having. Keep in mind that I’ve tried every other aproach before resorting to this goofy letter. The idea behind it is to get them humored enough to read it and perhaps , i dunno, help me.
The names have been changed to protect the innocent.

One other thing: I actually picked up the writing style from a member here. His (or her) name is Fnoonf. I found his post hilarious. Here it is…
Dear esteemed members of the Falls Township government,

You may remember me from a previous dilemma I had in which I sought the help of my noble local government. I am the lord of a humble dwelling, which is nestled on beautiful South North Blvd. Although your services were of no favorable assistance to my family and me at that time, I still have the utmost faith in my wonderful village and its keepers. It is indeed my undying faith that brings my humble spirit before you once more.

As I mentioned, my humble estate sits on S. N. Blvd. South North Blvd is a main thru-way for chariots coming and going in the purpose of commerce. It can indeed be noisy at times but it also has its advantages. One marvelous advantage is that my home backs to a lovely ancient forest currently owned by the glorious kingdom of Bucks County. I often look into this forest and wonder if Generals Washington and Rochambeau, on their march from Phillipsburg, New York to Virginia to fight the battle of Yorktown, stopped by to view our beautiful forest in its amazing pristine condition. I surely doubt it but I like to think that they had, and this was the extra morale boost that ultimately won them what was later to be known as the battle that ended the Revolutionary war.

Since that glorious time in our history, our beautiful settlement needed to provide drainage for the roads on which the chariots were to haul their wares and precious families. Our esteemed government back then chose to run a storm sewer duct, which was to run through the ancient forest, by way of channels, on its way to the lovely lake Banana.

This, my esteemed governing body, is where my dilemma comes in. In my sense of duty to my community I felt the calling to address the issue of this sewer duct with the utmost perseverance. Where this calling originated is hard to say. All through history great men could not explain where this calling comes from. Perhaps it is the wise hand of destiny or perhaps the wild and chaotic child of chance. We may never know.

Coincidentally, I brought certain knowledge of sewers with me to this beautiful land called Falls Township. I also have prior experience with such things as the laws of gravity and the laws that govern motion. By now I can only guess that a chill might be running down your spine while you contemplate all of the amazing and unlikely coincidences that bring me to where I stand today. Just how far this tremor of coincidence will travel is yet to be written by history. And this, Gentlemen, is where I ask you to board my ship and join me on my voyage to save the land. I like to call my ship the INTEGRITY. It sails the torrent seas of chaos in the name of civil duty, good will and above all, integrity. For it is integrity that created this extraordinary Land of Falls Township and as luck would have it, it is the name of my ship.

Now, for those of you not privileged in the science of drainage I will try to explain the essentials. Ancient Babylon utilized sewers as far backs as 2900 BC. Surprisingly, sewers are still used today. Really much hasn’t change since then in its general workings. The idea is to transmit unwanted water from one area to another in an organized fashion without disturbing the area in between. Simple, right? The only other thing you really need to know is that the main driving force that makes the whole shebang work is gravity and an unobstructed course.

Let’s return to my story. Recently I was able to witness a conversation through a technological device I own. The noblest of citizens, Mr. Gallus Orange, was inquiring our government officials on the subject of these sewer ducts and channels. Mr. Orange seemed to be explaining the laws that govern a properly functioning sewer duct to the officials. And being the upstanding citizen that he is, proceeded to report that the sewer duct and channel that pass underneath the chariot surface, through the beautiful ancient forest and on to the exquisite Lake Banana was not functioning properly. In fact, he reported that it was barely functioning at all. I must admit that I do feel a sense of admiration for this noble fellow, for his sense of duty seems to greatly surpass my own. Perhaps the same hands of fate are compelling this wonderful man to see this cause through which parallels my own. He pointed out that the best remedy would be to unblock the passage of water through this ancient forest and to restore the original gravitational intent that the ancient Babylonians so long ago utilized.

In the torrent sea of chaos an official sent by the kingdom of Bucks County board of health visited my lonely ship, the Integrity. He tried to explain that the ancient forest was a natural wetland. I can only be suspicious of this term due mostly to the fact that I understand the proper definition of NATURAL. The word natural implies an occurrence, which takes place without human intervention. Well, the big metal sewer pipes that feed large quantities of water into that area from the chariot surface would eliminate the use of the word natural. And though it may be true that no mans knowledge can go beyond his experience, and I have not been to all four corners of the earth, I’m pretty sure that Styrofoam plants and shopping cart trees are not indigenous to the area. Yet they are incredibly flourishing. Perhaps the fickle winds of fate brought them to the ancient forest. As quickly as the nice gentleman from the kingdom appeared, he was gone.

I was perplexed by what was said next during the above-mentioned conversation between Mr. Orange and the Manager of our glorious settlement, Mr. Blue. Our noble Mr. Blue judiciously proclaimed that the drainage ducts under the chariot surface were no longer the business of our kingdom but rather the business of the Kingdom of Bucks County once it reaches out of our kingdoms perimeters. Perhaps the statement was made in a legal sense but being the captain of a ship blessed with the name Integrity, I must take issue with this answer. With all due respect to the nobles, may I suggest that this answer seems to be short sighted because although it is true that the sewer duct does cease at or near the perimeter, it is indeed our water being displaced. The beautiful ancient forest has no need for a sewer channel on its own for it is only lush greenery that occupies its blessed land. Our kingdom, on some past occasion, must have seen it advantageous to its own needs to utilize this ancient forest for drainage. It is in that spirit that we owe it to the memory of Generals Washington & Rochambeau, to the ancient forest itself for it is a living entity, and lastly to the noble lords who make the parameter of the ancient forest their home, to repair this small crack on the giant plaster ceiling of life. For these humble estate keepers must endure the foul odor of the natural wetlands and all the lush garbage it harbors. It is with that in mind that ask you Gentlemen of astonishing civil duty to help guide my ship, The Integrity, past the large jagged rocks in the night and see it safely to port where I can disembark and continue on to serve whatever calling that destiny shall deal my humble soul.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Humble servant of integrity, Lord Blue Purple

Well…

I only read the first few paragraphs.

a) if I were on the receiving end of this, I wouldn’t take it seriously, as it’s not written seriously, and frankly as the humor wasn’t my sort of humor it really rubbed me the wrong way.

b) as it was very long, I didn’t get past the first few paragraphs. Even after reading two paragraphs, I had no idea what you wanted or were complaining about.

If I were receiving this letter, I would do what I did here online: read two paragraphs and discard it.

So, in a nutshell: try again, be serious, be brief.

I DID read the whole thing and I still don’t know what you want.

Public officials are likely going to be too busy to read the whole thing. And while the writing style is droll enough to be slightly amusing, it’s not funny enough to make te reader jump to help you with whatever it is you want.

I echo Bill H’s advice: Try again, be serious, be brief. And be clear about your objective.

Scarlett, known among her friends as a writer of letters that get things done

Not really funny. Kind of tedious. Probably works better spoken. Won’t get you what you want unless you want filed under “kooks - harmless”.

With much reverance, I must disagree with the naysayers, I found the story quite humorous and entertaining, albeit not the ammunition that you would need to persuade the “nobles” to jump to save the good ship Integrity. Maybe if you had the letter published in the Opinions page of your local paper it might fall on more attentative ears to help your cause. A brief, serious and very clear letter to the nobles could not hurt in addition to getting your story “published”.

You say that like it’s a bad thing.

oh, and good luck!

Seems like a big waste of time. I only read the 1st few paragraphs. When I saw the 1st person to reply had done the same I went back and tried to read the rest. Couldnt do it. Tedious and long-winded. Rambling and unclear.

If you have a problem that you want your government to handle, why use all of the obscure references to chariotts and kingdoms and ships? Get to the point.

However if you were trying to annoy them, this is a fine letter.

Pity your 100th post couldnt have been better…

I agree with the above posters. You’re going about this all wrong. Be clear, be concise, describe the problem briefly but clearly, and most importantly, describe what you want to happen as a result of this letter. If you don’t tell them what you want, how are they going to give it to you?

Lazengemmum, I direct you to this, from the OP:

Giving the captain of the Integrity the benefit of the doubt, I assume he has tried the modern english version and is hoping to attract the attention of some geek in the public works office (hey, if somebody send me a letter like that, I’d read it).

However, I still don’t know what you want. The treehuggers are saying the sewer can’t be run under the trash-infested wetlands, and you’re saying, since it’s trash-infested, why not?

Hey, I do appreciate your comments, even the negative ones (which is most).

The people who the letter are addressed to are familiar with me and the noble citizen I spoke of in the text. They are also extremely familiar with the problem and are basically unwilling to get up off the money to fix it.

I have tried short respectful and to the point letters and they frankly don’t work. I thought I would try a comic aproach and see what happens. It is only my duty (as lord of my manor and fine citizen) to be respectful but it is not my duty to use the language they must use.

I did email a copy to the “letters to the editor” but it must be around 200 words. I don’t know if it would work if it was trimmed down so much.

One last thing. The point of the way I wrote it and the style I used was to be drawn out and exaggerated as much as possible. I understand that it may not be read.

Thank you again.

Rooves wrote

If you’re interested, please post:

a) what the problem is. I honestly don’t understand what’s happened, who’s involved, or what you desire to happen.

b) include past correspondence.

You and I don’t know each other. I’m sure you’re a wonderful person. But since all I have to gauge you with is your OP, I seriously wonder if your initial attempts to solve the problem were a bit shall we say obtuse?

I don’t say any of that (or my original response) as an insult, but rather as an honest attempt to help you solve your problem, if advice on the matter is really what you’re after.

Fair enough. My complaints to the twp as well as the county were only through complaint forms and verbal conversation. However here is an excerpt of a letter that I sent to my state rep.

and:

Find out who’s really responsible (city or county) and sue them. If direct, reasonable letters don’t solve the problem, stupid “funny” ones won’t either. they’ll just dismiss you even more out of hand.

If you’ve ever been bored enough to watch your city government on a govt access channel, you’ll probably see what I’m talking about. I’ve lived in a lot of cities and there always seems to be on pain in the ass that no one listens to anymore but whom they have to let talk because “this is a democracy and everyone has a voice.”

I would suggest contacting your local news and see if they are doing a public interest/problem solvers piece on it.

Hey, those are impressive looking letters (seriously).

Some ideas:

  • First off, find out who’s problem it is. Work very hard at getting a conference call between you, a county representative and a township representative. Get them to argue it out over the phone rather then putting you in the middle.
  • Continued calls and letters into the appropriate government agency. Bear in mind that if it is (for example) the township’s responsibility, then every call and letter you make into the county and the state is wasted. The state couldn’t care less about the townships problems (unfortunately).
  • If you have time on your side, start showing up at appropriate government meetings and speaking, asking them to deal with it. your references to how bad the problem in in the letters (trees falling over, fish living there) are particularly good examples of the size of the problem that will sound good in your oral request before a council.
  • I second the idea of going to the local press.
  • I’m not crazy about the lawsuit idea, but I think lawsuits are evil in general; maybe it’s just me.

I really think it’s a bad idea to send the humerous letter. A really bad idea. The thing is, once you do that you sorta move into a different category in their mind, and then you’ll never get it fixed.