What kenobi_65 said. Your household deserves a break.
Crossing fingers that the smoother waters are almost here.
Merry Christmas.
My heart is full and love is analgesic. I love you.
If you read this, I do love you. Challenge me. I’ll show you.
Glad to see you posting, and well supplied with love. Don’t feel like challenging anybody right now.
I’m glad to see you post. I hope things are going well. Happy Holidays to you.
I’ve been hoping things were going well for you and your family (as in, Mom and wife). I’m glad that seems to be the case. May things go easily for all of you in the new year.
Fabulous. Merry Christmas to you and yours!
I’m so glad to hear that you had a good Christmas! Sending vibes that things continue to be good.
Here’s to better days ahead, no matter how good your days have been.
i hope you have a happy and healthy 2022!
Over-due update:
I’ve kind of just been hanging back and watching reality unfold.
Now I’m realizing how much junk I should update, so I’ll try to be brief:
Christmas was ultimately amazing. Mom hasn’t been around this much “family” or large company at all in years due to COVID and whatnot. She was a bit overwhelmed by the end of Christmas Eve—my fault, I was sequestered trying to finish a present before “Santa” came. She was up too late, and over stimulated.
That night was pretty rough–I couldn’t reason with her abut going to bed. My wife found me sitting in the shadows (she’d been hanging out with her dad) and took over the situation. She talked with mom alone for a bit and FIXED. EVERYTHING. Like a magician. Then she fixed ME, and explained she just did what she does with her little niece, that there comes a time of over-stimulation, over-exhaustion, up-too-late and you’re starting to be delirious and unreasonable. Being “impossible” is just exhaustion and irrationality.
Sure enough, mom was perfect after that.
And we woke up butt-ass-early for the neifflings to open gifts, and moms heart was practically glowing. After helping the wee ones open gifts, she opened hers, and was flabbergasted at her haul. But the last gift of the day was her opening the antique Wedgewood Urn my wife and I got for her to keep dad’s ashes in.
Everyone cried. The day only got better from there, the night even better. Mom and wife agree it was the best Christmas they can recall.
Since then, even better things are coming. I mean, really good things are happening. This time next year I think I’ll be a life coach helping people to be happy.
Today was, and I mean it, probably one of the best days of my life. I have such a clarity, a perspective. I have a really specific purpose in life, and I finally know what it is: I get to walk with mom the rest of the way over the rainbow bridge, and the voluminous, meaningful “what is life even about” cosmic questions get answers along the way. I exist to make sure mom is going to be ok…and my wife exists to make sure I can do that. And mom exists to show me the mysteries of the human brain. She’s so fascinating.
That’s pretty fucking cool, I know my purpose.
And with that comes knowing my value. And with THAT comes thawing the glacier that has been my monkey-mind for far too long.
Rational explanations will not succeed with irrational minds. Something about realizing that has been freeing lately.
How were all you guys’ holiday? I need updates.
What an inspiring and wonderful update. Thank you for sharing
That’s all great news. I didn’t holiday quite as well but after they were over I had a long talk with big bro and… asked him to please talk to his doctor about what kind of dementia he is developing because he certainly has it. Beyond that, I loved seeing my family, even with that observation.
Any updates? Super curious how things are going these days?
MtM
Howdy Dopers.
I’ve been pretty busy…life has been a whirlwind. Lots has changed, mostly for the good.
Where to start!
Mom’s great. We have settled into a really nice groove after some shake ups after the holidays (not bad stuff, her snow globe just got shook up and there’s been an adjusting period).
We have drastically improved our living situation to something that works best for everyone involved.
Without saying too much (I spoke to a lawyer who has me completely spooked, hence my absence and silence and vagueness…but I’m starting to thaw on that given that the sibs have been MIA since each of them cursing me out seemingly one last time. No one has tried to contact any of us since well before Christmas. So, at this point, if they tried to insert themselves legally, I would more or less welcome the chance to air it all out, legally…)
Ok so without saying TOO MUCH we drastically improved our living situation and it’s about as good as I can imagine. I don’t believe there’s some higher being looking out for us, but I did petition the sky and told my dad there’s only one way all of this works out, and that’s if he pulls some sky-strings.
Everything tumbled into place, and everyone (but me) is very, very happy.
Mom is HOME, and she feels that way.
Wife is HAPPY…
Me? I have extremely severe depression. I know so because circumstantially I have every ingredient of a very happy life (sans, you know…grief galore). Good news is me, my doctor, my neurologist and my !NEW! therapist are coming at this thing full force. Therapy is yet to start but JFC am I excited. She’s someone gearing to retire but just “can’t give up on helping people.” I’m in particular something of a project, because she has been through ALZ w her mom.
I am DYING to get our sessions started. Hopefully next week.
Happy to answer any questions!
TL;DR:
Here’s a video of me making it to this point (watch the first 38 seconds).
“I just kept crawling and it kept working…”
I’m glad you’ve got help geared and up, and starting for you. You’ve had a lot on your plate and you deserve all the good things. I’m so glad your wife and your mother are doing well.
Continued best wishes.
I am so glad you are about to get therapy. May it be all you need it to be. May happiness continue.
Hey gang, I’m posting what will probably be one of my final posts in this thread.
Reason being I have firmly found my footing and feel positioned to start GIVING some advice (not that I have it all figured out–I NEVER WILL–but I’m in enough of a groove that these updates are few and far between).
I WOULD LIKE TO START A NEW THREAD ALONG THE LINES OF “DEALING WITH DEMENTIA: AN AMATEUR’S GUIDE” WHERE WE CAN ALL POST TIPS AND ADVICE AND THINGS THAT WORK.
That said, on to my post:
I have started therapy with someone who also cared for their ALZ mother.
I like her a lot, but I am concerned with how often I stump or leave her speechless. I get it–I have a LOT of muck to wade through, but we are making progress. But I really do just leave her mouth-agape very, very often.
We are also beginning to attend “ALZ Group” meetings. It’s mostly just a bitchfest/commiseration, but it’s SURE SOMETHING.
I have inroads with someone who coordinates dementia resources and my god, she has me buried in options.
This means it’s close to like 90% certain I will FINALLY be able to go on my honeymoon late this year!!!
We have established an array of cameras in strategic positions around the house and it has been massively game-changing.
I took great consideration on privacy and installed 3 roving smart cameras that cover ingress/egress from all upstairs rooms, the front door/entry/stairs/front rooms, and another that monitors the back door/kitchen/dining area. It gives all of us privacy in the main living areas as well as our bedrooms, etc, which effectively covering each main area.
It’s…perfect. I mean PERFECT.
It’s only turned on when no one is home but mom. I have had to really step into some new work-type roles with both my business but especially my wife’s, which is experiencing growing pains in the best way but also drastically needs some Baindaids to be permanently fixed. So I am stepping up and into that expanded role.
It means mom has had roughly 5ish hours alone every day of the week. However, the autonomy to all parties has been LIFE-GIVING.
Here are some examples of how things are working:
I get a chime that “Kitchen Cam” was activated. I look on my phone and mom’s looking in the pantry.
I press the “speak” button on my phone 10 minutes across town, and the Kitchen Camera chimes, alerting mom. I say “Hey mom–you hungry? Because there’s a sandwich in the fridge I made before I left.”
She’ll open and look and ask “This one?” and show the plate to the camera, and I say “YEP that’s for you! I gotta go!” and she usually will say “ok love you” as she turns to get to the grub.
Another one from today:
Driving home from some errands it alerts me she’s going room to room. I check the camera and she’s looking around.
“Hey mom. Did you misplace your Yeti?” (she carries it EVERYWHERE).
‘Yeah, I don’t know where I sat it…’
“Ok hold tight and don’t move–I’m going to look at footage and find where you last had it.”
**scans vidoes
“Ok, mom–you last had it upstairs, I don’t know which room. Good luck!”
Minutes later the alert again: She’s in the kitchen filling it up.
Camera chirps: “Glad you found it!” ‘Thank you!’ “Ok we’ll be home in about 30 minutes.”
It’s WONDERFUL. It’s FREEING.
It’s better than a cell phone. It’s just great.
She can’t leave the property without me being able to see which direction she went.
NOT THAT SHE WOULD, she has no wandering tendencies. She does LOVE to walk to the curb to get mail, but that’s all caught on cam.
I even use the cameras to flirt with my wife while I’m away and she’s at home. It’s pretty fun.
House is amazing, mom is super settled.
She’s happy. Every day at dinner I ask her how her day was and she is usually delighted about a drawer of goodies in her craft room she forgot about so it’s like Christmas, or she fumbled herself onto the Hallmark Channel and found “Just one good movie right after another!” She’s very happy. She’s bright and sharp, and often tricks me for a few moments that she actually DOES have a memory problem.
I got her a simplified Roku remote with voice activation and keep walking her through finding her movies. I am actively frustrating her by making her preform more and more complex tasks on her own. YOU CAN DO THIS. YOU DO IT. She can. She does. She’s got multiple avenues to get to them, so when I say “fumbled” it’s a matter of the quality of the Hallmark channel/App/Sling Channel/Roku TV “Hallmark” channel. But she can find something to watch!
We love, love, love the new neighborhood and the house.
The neighbors are DELIGHTFUL and I cannot believe how young most of them all are. They are “my” kind of libtards, too–all of them. Highly educated, quirky, godless…you get it, NPR types. My 4 year old neighbor girl is the most intelligent and precocious kid I’ve ever met at that age. She’s a treasure. And her mom’s a freaking meteorologist.
There’s a house a few down where 3 kids live. This row is odd enough being the “Street of Dreams”…it has a “lost in time”/Twilight Zone vibe. So driving by and waving and smiling at 3 kids who just deadpan stare at you without ANY reaction pushes things deeper into weird territory.
I kept asking my new bride: “What kind of kids won’t wave?!”
Turns out they are all three fosters and all three on the spectrum.
They are curious and would join another adult if I was outside talking to them.
The boy would ask a trusted adult to tell me things he wanted to convey.
“C*** would like me to tell you that this is his new bike.”
‘tell him B*** gave it to me!!!’
“That’s right my son B*** outgrew it so he gave it to C***”
Oh well that’s just great! I love your new bike and how kind of your son to give it!
I’ve been working on chatting them, asking their names, telling them my name and my story, and waving. Waving. Smiling and waving. I find myself smiling more and more lately.
This week I rolled down my window and waved, and two of them waved back. PROGRESS!
Yesterday my wife and I got home at the same time. All three were out and I waved at them.
C*** jumped on his bike (helmet was already on) and raced down our driveway behind us.
His shirt said “Hi I’m Awesome.” So I read it aloud and said “Hey you SURE ARE AWESOME, C***.”
He asked whose car each of the 3 were. I told him. “But that one is yours?” yes. “But whose is THAT one?” My wife! (she waves). “But whose is THAT one?” My mom’s. My mom lives here!
“Where is she?” I point up to her room. “She’s watching a movie!”
I had NO IDEA they were special needs! But they are the biggest sweethearts.
Everything is really falling into place, finally. Mom’s new Medicare Advantage plan was better than Medigap for this county, and kicks in Tuesday. That went from a ball I dropped to a home-run.
Her new doctor is AMAZING.
OH, and get this–her neuro-psychological evaluation was in Oct, the doc took the $$ then refused to hand over the report.
I got REALLY GROUCHY the other night and decided to try to redirect my animosity someplace more productive. I don’t know how I came across my text thread with that doctor, but I did–
They don’t have a receptionist or an office clerk. They have a cellphone. So we communicated via texts.
And I saw it, and I was pissed off, and THAT pissed me off even MORE , so I thought I should consolidate my righteous indignation upon this doctor. I think I used language like “I will professionally destroy you” and “you commit insurance fraud on the enfeebled which makes you an UNDENIABLE BAD HUMAN BEING.”
Let’s just say it’s the kind of diatribe you wake up and regret.
Buuut. After playing dumb about not knowing who I was, they finally claim they have been out of the office 2 weeks and would call the neurologist to straighten it out the next day.
I said “Sure, it’s been since Oct of last year but the last 2 weeks are the problem–you swore in Jan you’d send me the report the next day so I’m CERTAIN you’ll really fix this tomorrow.”
I continued “I’m not relenting on this. What you have done is wrong.”
…an hour later I have a highly encrypted medical report invitation.
I texted “…and mom’s neurologist?”
They waited until they could provide receipt by mom’s neurologist, then did so.
THEY HAD BEEN SITTING ON THE REPORT THIS WHOLE TIME. It took me being a hostile shithead to rattle their cage enough to pony up. JFC.
I told them “It’s a shame it came to this but I am satisfied things are now moving.” They told me to follow up with any questions.
SO.
A LOT of problems are untangling and resolving themselves, and my brain is turning to planning things ahead and getting more leisurely projects completed.
I dare say I might soon be happy.
What do we think about starting a catch-all Dementia Help Page, devoid of all my personal family drama (just raw advice, like the brand and setup of my camera array?)
I’m glad things are going so well. I think a dementia thread sounds like a fantastic idea.
I’m also glad that this is working out so well, for all of you.
Start the thread and see what happens. I suspect others will join in.