She has ALZ. i don’t know what level actually, but her short term is less than a minute. Otherwise she’s healthy as hell. Takes no meds other than an anti-depressant and Aricept. She is gleefully incontinent. (if you’ve been there, you understand)
But she’s nasty and mean. Really mean. She’s on the regular assisted living floor, but needs more care. The facility does have memory care facilities, but they want her gone. They’ve advised us that they will not continue caring for her, and they’ve extended us 30 days to move her.
She’s combative and agressive, even towards us, her children. And Og help the poor underpaid and overworked staff. And then there’s The Patient’s Bill of Rights that says she cannot be forced to shower, change her poopy briefs, etc. Short - she’s out.
They suggest a group home or behavioural facility. We ( her 4 kids ) havn’t a clue what to do. Anyone have any thoughts??
Only one thing I found with my inlaws. The mean stage is usually limited.
My FIL was a mean S.O.B. before his dementia set in, but we did see improvement after awhile. MIL was the sweetist person ever. She got mean as a wet wasp for a few weeks. It was hard dealing with her. She hated everybody and everything. She passed through that phase, finally.
I wish you good luck. Look for a dedicated memory assisted place. They’ll understand her case better.
Some doctor or health professional may answer your O.P., so I’m gonna ask this; Is there not some medicine that could smooth them through the angry, mean phase?
Your situation is pretty common. Happened in my family with my Gma. There are assisted living facilities out there that are for alzheimer’s patients exclusively. I would be surprised if the place that is booting her out doesn’t have at least a few listed somewhere. But that’s what you need is a home that specializes in alzheimer’s
Isn’t a “home that specializes in ALZ” just Memory Care? In my experience, Memory Care facilities won’t take a combative or violent resident. I was “lucky” in that my mom’s physical condition deteriorated as well as her cognition, so she was moved into a skilled nursing facility when she wasn’t able to live at home. I did go through a nightmarish couple of weeks, talking to many Memory Care facilities who all refused to take her. It’s a horrible situation to be in. My first step would be to talk to the social worker at her current facility and see if they have ideas about other facilities who would be able to care for your mom. The social workers should have a good idea of the policies and capabilities of other facilities in the area.
There’s also this web site which purports to match patients to appropriate facilities: https://www.aplaceformom.com/
I used them with mixed results. They did refer me to some nice places, but none of them were able to care for my mom. If you use them, be crystal clear about what the issues are so you don’t waste time looking at inappropriate places.
Have you asked them directly what they suggest? It sounds like they just want her to somebody else’s problem, but that’s not acceptable. You can’t just ditch a human.
“I know Mom is next to impossible. The thing is, we don’t think she’ll last long on the streets, and we can’t find any other options. Where do you suggest we take her?”
I would definitely look into additional meds. My mother has had dementia for about the last seven years. About four years ago she began to get seriously mean and disturbed. If you contradicted her or tried to get her to do something she didn’t want to do, she would physically attack you. She tried to scratch me, and tried to hit my sister with her cane. She hallucinated hearing babies crying, and if you refused to help them, she would accuse you of being in on the conspiracy to kill them.
We got her doctor to adjust her meds, and she calmed down. She still hears the babies sometimes, but if you tell her they’re alright, she lets it drop. I assume you have a medical proxy and can make decisions for her?
We were fortunate enough to be able to get 24-hour care for her at home. (She’s the only one who lives there, besides her aides when they are on duty, although a friend of the family lives in the downstairs apartment of the house.) Although she can walk, at this point she rarely gets out of bed.
Well, we’ve gotten our 30 day notice, legally they only need give us 15 days, but even with their Memory Care dedicated facilities, they want her gone. Yes, I would love it if more, stronger different meds would help, getting a pill into her is a battle every time, she hides them in her mouth and spits them out, we found pills all over the floor under her bed. And of course there is the sibling dynamic, my one sister doesn’t think Mom needs more meds, just more understanding care, which is horseshit. She even pulled her off the anti’s cold turkey, which caused a small riot.
I think that at this point the family dynamic is the biggest problem, my brother has POA, both legal and medical, but he’ll need to grow a pair to go up against my sister who just wants more love. In the meantime, IDK what the fuck.
I’m with Colibri. Your mother needs to see a doctor who specializes in dementia. Anti-depressants and anti-anxiety drugs are tricky with elderly people generally, and dementia patients in particular. Some combination of something might help.
I’m really sorry you’re going through this. My mother just became sweeter (and more anxious) as her dementia progressed, and that was hard enough.
ETA: Sorry, we cross-posted. Yeah, your brother needs to step up. Or you could send your mother to your sister’s house for the love.
This is a complex area. Chemical control is frowned upon, and the benefit to the patient must exceed the risks, without regards to the effect the behavior has on the caretakers. Of course, risk of harm to caretakers must be minimized, but other means should be exhausted first. The Medical POA must work closely with the prescribing practitioner to do the right thing here. Disruptive behavior by itself is not a threat to the patient’s life or health, after all.
I hate dealing with these issues; I have been in lawsuits testifying for infirmaries that have had to handle such patients.
Fortunately my mother hasn’t been too resistant to taking meds. She takes a handful in the morning, but takes the antipsychotic in the evening separately. Sometimes she asks what it is, and we tell her it’s her “memory pill.” Since she’s very distressed by her memory loss, she takes it willingly. (Among my siblings, we refer to it as her “crazy pill.”;))
Sorry to hear this. Fortunately my siblings (who include among them a psychologist in a mental hospital, a social worker, and a nurse) are all in agreement.
As I said, she physically attacked people (fortunately not her caretakers), and would also would try to get down the stairs, which if she had fallen would have been the end of her. When I was minding her overnight I had to keep the door to my bedroom locked. And she was in constant mental agony about the babies she thought were being tortured. She would spend hours screaming out the window in the middle of the night for the police to come and rescue them.
I’m well aware of these issues. My father was a sometimes violent schizophrenic. Once more effective anti-psychotics came along, I think his life and the lives of those who had to deal with him vastly improved.
Treating patient distress is a legit reason for such med use, but quite often they’re not distressed, just angry. As I said it’s a challenging area to navigate and I’m glad it worked out favorably for your mom’s situation. It’s a horror for everyone. Especially when the doc gets sued by some public advocacy agency for the elderly about prescribing such meds with the agreement of MPOA and family.
No, even though they are quite similar, homes that specialize in Alzheimer’s (in my experience I should say) have staff that are trained to deal with ALL aspects of the disease, in the case of my Gma, the home she went to that included a … case worker? Advocate? Company Representative? I don’t really know what her job title was but at least part of her job was dealing, and working with family.
I must add another ugly thing. The majority of help at the facility, esp. in memory care, is black. Mom is especially, viscously nasty with them, and you can imagine how she speaks and reacts to them.
I remember a newspaper article a few months ago about a similar situation in this rural state. The wife just systematically starting calling up places and finally found one over 100 miles away. This is what I suggest you do and if they say they are not interested ask for recommendations. There might be a local ALZ organization or specialists you can ask.
We are in the midst of something similar with my mother-in-law. The place she is in will keep her, but the costs are now extremely high. Unfortunately, it’s easy to see that they will keep rising from here. We are covering this and we can’t keep doing it.
I am using several of these sites right now and I have come to the conclusion that they are essentially useless. Most homes are not listed.
I am finding more useful information by finding the county group that handles elder issues. Usually, if I start at the county website I can look for social services and then find something. The elder services offices often have housing services. I have also thought about finding local senior centers and calling them to see if they have any referrals to make. I haven’t gotten that far.
I agree with Emiliana. If your family cannot agree on sending her to a dementia doctor (who should also have good suggestions on where to find housing), then the sister who thinks she just needs love needs to take her.
In our case, I am starting to have luck by looking at religious homes. I should note that my MiL is very religious and has been her whole life. She recently asked me if she could move to a religious home. They are not listed with any of the services, so it’s taken more digging to find them. The ones I am finding though are less expensive and more accommodating. It’s something to look into, if your mom was ever at all religiously inclined.
In my experience, when you call a facility you will be transferred to a marketing person, who will be more than happy to invite you to come in, talk to them and tour the facility, regardless of whether they can actually provide the needed care. Again, you need to be very clear about the issues, maybe describe a few specific incidents, and ask them if they can handle that behavior.