It’s getting so bad, I don’t want to be around her. I know the rules, distract, deflect, change the subject. I carry the cards to explain her behavior to others, servers, clerks in the stores, etc.
But now I am the target. Screaming at me in restaurants, blaming me for weird assed shit, hating every little sweet anecdote I tell her about…I know there are others among us dealing with this. Any hints to not take it personal, end up yelling and then hating myself for days or hours?
The only hint I know which truly works is handing her over to other people, ideally before she attacks you physically. Sorry.
I’m sorry I can’t offer any advice. That’s heartbreaking. 
Medication may help. My mother has had dementia for about six years. A few years ago it got very bad. She would get enraged at me and her other children over trivial issues. She would throw things at us, tried to scratch me, and tried to hit my sister with her cane. She can’t get around very well so she’s mostly confined to the house, so at least we haven’t usually had to contend with this in public.
She started to hallucinate that she was hearing babies crying and insist that we go look for them and help them. If we told her there were no babies or refused to look for them, she would decide that we were in on the plot and also trying to kill the babies.
On one occasion when I was minding her she managed to get down the stairs when my back was turned and escape onto the front porch. She started screaming at passersby “He’s killing the babies” while I waved sheepishly beside her. Finally the next door neighbors came over and managed to calm her down and get her back upstairs.
After that, her doctor prescribed some anti-psychotic medication for her. She’s now much less hostile. She sometimes still asks where the babies are but if you say you don’t know she drops the subject. She’s not in the extreme emotional distress she was before.
Do have her doctor examine her, and explain the problem. Maybe he or she can suggest a course of treatment.
Thanks, Colibri, she’s on anti-depressives, when they can make her take them (we often find sucked on pills on the floor of her room at the facility.) I know it’s the disease progression but it’s making me not want to be around her and that makes me feel like an enormous shit.
We went through that with my MIl. Paranoid, rages and attacks. It passed. I understand with some people it takes longer to pass. Talk to her doctors. They may have to put her on something to alter her mood. I think It’s a crap shoot what will work for who. It’s worth a try, though. Stop taking her out as much. Get a temporary helper you can leave with for short periods. You’re gonna burn out if you don’t. Then you’ll be no help to her at all.
We tell my mother the anti-psychotic is a memory pill. Among ourselves, we call it her “crazy pill.”
I know how difficult it is. At times I’ve been reduced to shouting at my mother. When she gets hostile I’ll leave the room. Of course that’s not possible if you are taking her out somewhere.
At this point, visiting with her is difficult because her only “conversation” is an endless stream of questions that are repeated literally every five minutes. What day is it, what time is it (there’s a big digital clock in the living room that gives time and date but she forgets its there), how old am I, how old are you, what’s for dinner (starting at 10 AM), what did we have for dinner (starting immediately after dinner). Repeat the loop endlessly all day long. I used to get exasperated but now I just answer the questions.
You should never feel like a shit about your feelings. It’s not HER you don’t want to be around: it’s the Alzheimers. As it’s progressed, it’s taken over more of the parts of her brain that have made her her. Such a heartbreaking disease, and one that’s extremely rough on the caregiver. My sister’s DH has severe dementia, and guilt and empathy have forced her to keep him at home far longer than she should have. He’ll be going into a care facility soon because she simply can’t cope any longer.
The antidepressant can’t be doing her any good if she spits it out. Is it possible to crush it and put it in her food? Or is it available in a liquid? If she’s on it to calm dementia anxiety, there are other medications that may be easier to hide.
I definitely agree that you need some time off–not just for a few hours during the day but also for several days or a week for you to rest and regroup. Have you looked into respite care?
DGH, is your (I’m assuming) mother already in a home? It sounds like she’s reached a point where she can no longer go out in public. 
If she isn’t in a home, she needs to be in one.
Yes, I agree. If you’re not ready to move her into a care facility, maybe you can find a memory care daycare for her to go to on a few days a week. Good luck.
When my mother was living at my sister’s place, our trick was to hide the (small) pill in a fragment of a Mars bar. (She never said no to chocolate, and it helped that her eyesight wasn’t very good.)
My MIL went through this & it does suck. Eventually we had to put her into an assisted living facility & they medicated her pretty heavily. I know she was much more tolerable after they gave her sedatives, so maybe medication would help in your case.
And for your own sanity, I agree with adult day care.
Do not feel guilty for what is a perfectly normal human reaction. Beating yourself up doesn’t do anyone any good. I don’t know how to tell you not to take it personally, but I’m sure you know you shouldn’t. The person your mother has become is not the one you’ve known your whole life. The anger she expresses isn’t at you. It’s coming from the disease that has overwhelmed her.
Ask for a review of her medication. Work on ways to make sure she actually ingests it. Other folks here have made suggestions about that.
When the disease took my father, he became violent and would try to hit people, including and especially my mother, which was particularly dangerous because she was as old as he was and more frail. He would turn on anyone who tried to intervene. Medication helped but it needed adjusting to find the right mix.
I’m going through this with my father right now. He has Parkinson’s and Lewy body dementia and this week they also discovered a tumor in his brain. He is in a memory care facility and they are awesome with him. I’ve been here all day today (I live 3 hours away and drive up eve weekend) and this afternoon after lunch he told me I’ve always been a disappointment to him. I know in my head he doesn’t mean it but man, that cuts deep. As far as meds, we crush his up and mix them with a bite-sized scoop of applesauce. He takes it in one bite and is totally unaware he’s getting his pills. I realize not all pills can be crushed but some can. Everything you’re feeling is valid and normal. You are doing a great job! It’s tough!! Feel free to message me if you need to vent to a stranger. Trust me, it helps!
I always felt lucky that my mother never went into rages from her dementia. She just spoke German and asked for her papa, and asked to be taken home. She was of course already home.
Later on, she didn’t speak at all. She was a baby again.
Death was a welcome thing.
I’m dealing with this, too. My dad tried to fight me when I was driving in the highway. He’s also trying to leave the house and walk to the store. He and mom have returned home after four months of assisted living while mom recovered from a broken pelvis.Zoloft helped immensely, but it’s time to up the dosage. So far, I’m the only person he gets really angry with. I can live with it. It’s not my dad taking anymore.
One of the directors at work said that his mom wouldn’t take pills so they administer her medication in an ointment they rub on her leg. They tell her it’s for her skin.
I’m worried about them being back home, but they’ve got visiting healthcare twenty hours a week. So someone is there to observe. Mother doesn’t believe it’s time for institutionalized care yet. I’m 350 miles away and my brother’s in Brooklyn. I’ve done what I can, but they don’t want to be in assisted living and they don’t want to be in Austin. I’ve had to harden my heart and accept the fact that it’s their lives and their money. I’ve spent the last five months trying to run their lives and mine. I just can’t do it. When mom’s ready to make a move, I’ll be there, but I’m done trying to parent my parents. For now. (83 and 78 in case you were wondering)
I know of someone else who had to got through what you are going through. There are going to be days that are harder than others. As much as you can you are going to have to go with the flow. It is a hard medical condition for the family to have to live with. Please don’t take it personal. You do not have any easy answers so please stop taking on blame. You don’t need to feel like shit after a bad day. You are trying to do the best that you can. Ask the pros dealing with her I am sure that they will tell you there are no right answers. Just remember the good times and let the bad time pass.
In a few years I may not remember answering this. I hope my family will be able to stand by me as you have to her.
My mom entered a memory care facility a little over two weeks ago when it got to be too much for me to handle. She wandered outside at 2:30 AM a while back and couldn’t find her way back to our apartment. She was trying to get into a neighbor’s apartment. They called the police, who brought her back home. She also needs help going to the bathroom, showering and dressing.
I haven’t seen any hostility or anger from her yet. The paranoia has been the biggest surprise. Yesterday she told me the people at the facility were plotting to kill her. She said they had some watermelon at lunch time but she didn’t eat it because she was sure it was poisoned. She also sees a little girl who looks hungry and Mom wants to feed her. She’d been seeing the girl here at the apartment for some time. Last week she saw her at the facility.
She comes up with some very elaborate stories about things she says happened the day or night before. Lately she’s been repeating one about a water pipe breaking and flooding the place. She says all the residents had to pack their stuff and move to other rooms that were dry.
Sorry I don’t have any advice for dealing with the hostility, DummyGladHands, other than to hang in there and don’t take it personal.
Unfortunately it’s a common side effect. Are there any “by rote” activities that she likes/d? For example, one patient we worked with like jogging. The family hired someone to take him running. It calmed his down, and didn’t require him to remember anything that upset him. Does she crochet or anything like that, which she could do (easier patterns perhaps) to change her mind set?
She’s 94 and in a facility, yes. Reasonably healthy for her age, uses a walker, but I doubt for much longer. She is, facility aside, pretty isolated, since she’s very deaf, and she stinks. She is combative with the staff about showering and changing her brief when soiled. We’ve complained but something called the Patient Bill of Rights means she can’t be forced and frankly, if I made $10 an hour and had to put up with her fighting and name calling, I wouldn’t want to mess with her either. Same issue with the meds, she does the applesauce thing but is good an finding the pill and spitting it out later. All of this we’ve been dealing with for a while.
So her respite from boredom and isolation is going out with me. My brother visits her, and 2 other sibs live out of town. I am the one who takes her out to the dollar store, or lunch or whatever, but it’s getting harder and harder and the last 2 times, I pretty much lost it. And then-guilt. Fuck, I hate this disease.