This is excellent advice!
My last experience (2 yrs ago) I was surprised that this one particular place (which was very nice) would only accept medicaid after 2 full years of self pay.
Something else to keep in mind.
Good advice.
As far as the father’s bills if there are any, in general, the descendants are not liable for the decedent’s debts. The estate is, but it sounds like there like the estate is not too solvent?
You also might want to get a estate lawyer.
Great advice.
There might be some small value in Coenzyme Q10 ( CoQ10 ) supplements. It has been shown to slow the onset of Alzheimer’s in some studies. It is a hail mary play, and certainly won’t cure, but maybe, just maybe the progression will slow. It is pretty harmless.
My sincere condolences for your loss and your issues.
Siblings have forfeited their entitlement to anything as per my mom and dad’s wills. I have one real sibling and one adopted. Their involvment in the estate is the men and women’s jewelry and a portion of any money that is left.
I am currently joint tenants in common for the house w my mom, with the will saying it and all of its belongings go to me.
My family isn’t really interested in their “junk,” and the house is just a big problem everyone has to solve.
In fact, to be honest, the day bro really decided to step back and not deal with mom anymore was the same day we spoke about needing to burn the assets down to get on Medicaid. When he mentioned trying to shield her assets with subversive legal maneuvering–when I said there’s a 5 year look-back, and that we’re 5 years too late on that front, he sort of lost all interest.
He’s been estranged for years anyway and no one really had a relationship w my mom, it was all dad, so no one really cares. Folks figured this: They already bought him a house during his first divorce to help w custody and he ran off with wife #2 and left them holding the bag on the house they bought him.
So.
Yeah.
I’m supposed to be having a birthday tomorrow.
ha!
Happy birthday. I hope you can find some sunshine in amidst the clouds for your special day.
The cite from web MD didn’t load. Here it is again
Preliminary studies have shown that CoQ10 may slow, but not stop, the progression of Alzheimer’s disease. Additional research is needed to confirm this effect.
Happy birthday!
May you find joy even in adversity.
I haven’t heard of pleasant delusions other than the belief that a dead loved one is still alive, but definitely pleasant hallucinations. My great-grandmother did have some disturbing hallucinations, but had others that were apparently very nice. She believed a dressed up bird would visit her and that was funny to her, and there were definitely nights she was reliving happy parties/gatherings.
Happy Birthday
May all your dreams, hopes and wishes become reality.
Enjoy your special day.
OK cool - I figured you had probably discussed all this with a lawyer but wasn’t sure. I’m really sorry about the siblings’ lack of involvement / interest and overall estrangement 
Hopefully you manage a happy birthday despite all the crap going on!
Oi…
It just never gets better, huh?
So, with mom: Doing real great. Learning what to limit, such as when to leave her ringer on and what numbers to block, etc…phone is a bit of an issue, more so who to avoid because she gets agitated.
Made the error of taking her out to the house. Had to go through the whole “this place isn’t going to exist much longer” and finally talked her down, but I’m realizing the more time we spend there the harder any transition is going to be.
All that’s…whatever.
BUT THEN THE ENTIRE FAMILY TURNED ON ME.
Just…wtf? I had been putting out feelers because I haven’t heard from any of my nephews since the funeral, not a peep–and also no one RSVP’d to the wedding. So today, out of nowhere, I get a message from my nephew’s wife (who I never talk to) and she’s ripping me a new one about how no one from my family will be attending my wedding, and throws the book at me–I mean she’s just airing all the grievances they’ve been sitting on, so buckle in this is some highs school drama bullshit but stick with me: because I was reluctant to invite my unvaccinated niece to my wedding before my dad passed (she’s coming, she’s the only family who will be there other than my mom…big strike one)…that I’m so selfish for “not wanting my mom involved at my wedding shower”----? what even?..oh and that I’m scoring FB likes off cute stuff I post about my mom and “act like no one is helping when they have all been offering to help.”
I was like "WTF? The last thing I asked for help was for brother to watch mom and he said “I can’t.” No one else has contacted me. No one has offered to help.
So she lights me up about how I could be reaching out and asking them for help.
“OH so I should put even more responsibility on myself by finding time to contact you instead of you reaching out and asking to help. Gotcha. My fault!”
The bottom line was I can go fuck myself and I’m a giant selfish asshole. I’m forgoing my career to be my mom’s primary caregiver so I can keep her at home–whatever that home ends up being–because she’s terrified of going into a nursing home right now. She agrees someday she’ll have to, but please not yet. And I’m asking my poor gal to marry me and my mom. But I’m selfish. SUPER selfish.
So I asked my nephew–who I have never had any beef with–why his wife was burning the entire family’s bridge…no response. I asked my brother why they were doing this YET AGAIN because he let HIS wife do it the first estrangement (those boys sure hide behind their women)…and his response was a “thumbs up” emoji when I said “I guess you want to burn this bridge again huh?”
So, that’s that–wtf?
I talked to my niece and she thinks it’s about money. I find it difficult to believe anyone had any expectations of money, they’ve never had much money.
So I reached out to my youngest nephew who I have never ever had any disagreements with. Turns out the entire lot of them are out on the boat, day drinking, and decide they are going to let me have it! I’m such a selfish jerk!
So I tell my younger nephew how disappointed I am in all of this. And how I can’t believe everyone turned on me and no one wants to come to my wedding?
So he tells me it IS about their estate–
So let me back up. The last time I talked on the phone w brother, it was the day I found out from our lawyer what our paths forward will be. And how there’s kind of no two ways about it–we have to sell that house. If she was to stay there alone (100% not possible but let’s fantasize)–we would have to hire and vet and pay out of pocket for all the in-home care. I cannot live there. Bad things would happen. At some point the finances would be drained, we sell the house, there’s nothing left. Nothing to show for the effort.
We have to do the medicaid spend-down, I don’t see any way we keep the house. House is a problem–it’s a trigger for her when really she just wants to be around her stuff. Home is where you stuff lives. I want her to keep her stuff. I want her to be with me until we can’t do it any more. We’re REALLY settling into a groove.
So the day we talked on the phone and I said we need to spend-down, he starts scrambling about shuffling assets. I mention the 5-year look-back and said we really have to do things right.
He sounded crestfallen but again, he’s got zero entitlement to anything.
TO BE CLEAR I am joint tenants in common with my mom on the deed as my dad has died, and in the will I get the house and everything within it, the other two split the jewelry. So I really don’t get why my brother thought there was going to be some financial incentive to this.
Turns out that’s the deal! It’s why I haven’t heard from him since that day.
So, I don’t have a plan–I have no idea what’s going to happen–I just strongly anticipate selling the house I am joint-tenants and will inherit. And my mom agrees.
I have to meet with lawyers still. I have to have her neuropsychological assessment, and her independent welfare exam. We now have a case worker through the state dept. of human resources. I am following the guidance of all of these people. That state worker is a godsend and I hope to meet with her next week.
Meanwhile, my family–NONE OF WHO HAVE CALLED ME OR ASKED ME WHAT WAS GOING ON–have made all kinds of assumptions and saying it’s fishy because they know better! My youngest nephew is telling me my mom will qualify for medicaid and can have a car and can own a $500k house AND still be on medicaid, and that “my saying otherwise makes it sure seem fishy that I’m up to something” and when I was aghast and said “why on earth would you think I cannot be trusted here?” he said I have done nothing to prove I SHOULD be trusted.
He said I should have involved my estranged brother–who doesn’t want to be part of this fucked up family–who just tonight burned the bridge with me for the second time over nothing–should be jointly involved in their finances.
This would go against my father’s will. It would go against my mothers will and current wishes. I don’t understand it.
All I knew to say was my dad trusted me and put me in this position because he trusted me so much, and if anyone wants to doubt I’m doing things on the up and up then they are doubting my dad.
My nephew is making vague threats about challenging any moves I make in court.
Again, I’m durable and HC PoA over my mom as jointly agreed to before my dad passing as well as through Probate in both wills. Both wills give me the house and all in it, and I am executor, and their portion is splitting the jewelry.
I will be sitting down with a lawyer and going over legal protections soon as they can see me. But do I have much to worry about? I have a family of goons who haven’t been involved coming out to paw at money that doesn’t exist.
Like I needed this on top of the rest. Here’s the other thing–if they all want to burn bridges with me over (I still don’t know what I did, since no one has done anything at all yet!) I don’t think they need unilateral access to call mom. Both of them agitate her. I asked her if she rather people call her through me so I can remind her if she forgets and she agreed. I told her the only people who call are my brother and my sister, who both should be able to talk with me, too. She agreed. So, if they don’t want to talk to me, ok. But brother is poisoning his little cadre’s minds with literal conspiracy theories. I mean like full on conspiracies.
What the hell…
Put my mind at ease, please.
Wow…that’s some horrid behavior by your family members.
I can’t put your mind at ease, but having gone through the division of my late father-in-law’s estate two years ago, and just how bloody evil my sister-in-law got over it, all I can say is that greed makes people into asshats. I’m sorry. 
“Ok no one trusts me so I’m relinquishing Power of Attorney over to brother. You want to be involved–here’s the entire problem! You own it all! POA only requires mom and I to sign it–you don’t have to be there–just need a notary and I so happen to know one who works Sundays. I’ll be dropping mom off in the afternoon, but she has to live with you for at least two years.”
I’m sorry your family members are being such jerks. They’ve managed to convince each other that you’re cheating them out of the inheritance they never had and don’t deserve. I think you’re right to have all calls go through your phone. You might consider going further and telling them (in writing) that all communication must go through your attorney. It’ll cost you some, but it’ll also cut out a lot of BS if they can’t get to you directly. Keep a log of all phone calls (“Joe called today and said he won’t visit Mom but expects to inherit the house.”) and save all texts and emails both from and to you.
This may spur them to consult an attorney. Good. Once their attorney gets the scoop from your attorney, your family will get schooled and will hopefully leave you alone.
I don’t think it can be said enough: you’re a good son, and you’re doing a good job of caring for your mom. It must be terribly painful having your siblings and nephews, etc., turn on you, but frankly, they sound like toxic people you’d be better off without. Your real family is your mom and your bride-to-be.
I am really sorry that your family are being such jerks.
IANAlawyer and yes you should talk to one, but I very much doubt that your family can do a damn thing. Especially if the will gives each of your sibs part of the jewelry – that makes it clear that that, specifically, is what she wants to leave them, and not anything else.
Is there any legal peril in showing these ghouls the will? Tomorrow I am retaining the lawyer I spoke to previously. I can ask her, but the will is the will, I don’t see how them seeing it would harm my situation. But I do think it will nip all this infighting in the bud.
I would choose to not show them the will~no use to letting them call any shots, they will only escalate and demand more. Consult with the lawyer and do what she advises. If they want to see the will before it’s entered into probate, suggest they pay her hourly fee to read it early.
Seeing it won’t reduce their orneriness, they’ll just shift to some other imagined slight.
40+ years of home health nursing has taught me this about families and $$.
Don’t give an inch, they will take more than a mile and it will be out of your hide. Store that jewelry in a safe deposit box and be sure it is fully insured wherever it is stored.
I’d be afraid it would result in them harassing your mother in an attempt to get her to change it.
If these people currently don’t want to talk to you, I’d say don’t talk to them. Maybe some of the younger ones will eventually come to their senses. – also, bear in mind that there may be family members who don’t know all this is going on, or know only in the vaguest terms. I found out only some forty years later, and far too late to try to do anything about it, some things that went on between my parents and my oldest sister when I was in my late teens and early twenties.
Meh. I thought it would shut them down because, like for my youngest nephew, he has a nearly insane sense of entitlement to “Something” revolving around that house.
None of these people had any kind of a relationship with my mom before dad died and all of this aggression is based on them learning we’re potentially going to have to sell the house.
And this part seems like a big deal to me: NO ONE HAS ASKED ME WHAT MY PLAN IS. BECAUSE I DON’T HAVE A PLAN.
I mentioned somewhat off-handedly the first workday after the funeral that none of the information about doing a Medicaid spend-down seemed to bode well for mom keeping the house. This was before I spoke with my eldercare lawyer. He immediately started in about shuffling assets to protect them, and how he does side jobs and has a lawyer to help them set up “LLCs” and how that lawyer could help us shuffle her assets to keep her money.
First of all, NO. Second of all I will be conferring with an eldercare specialist, not your LLC law buddy.
That was it. That was all it took. “jumpy is going to sell the whole estate and buy himself a Liger to ride around” and he poisoned his two greedy sons.
After agreeing with me that he burned our bridge and that I’m done, he texted me tonight all concern trolling about how when he calls mom it goes straight to Voicemail.
I was literally out on a lakeside patio buying my bride to be an expensive meal as a belated birthday gift to myself (none of that makes sense, I know). My mom was having a blast with her new pal my “other mom” the neighbor. They were like two drunk frat boys laughing their asses off.
SO I told brother “Mom is with company and not taking calls right now. Also after all of you guys attacking and threatening me, I think the best course of action would be for you to process contact through a third party. So I will have my lawyer draft whatever paperwork and send that in writing.”
He said “Bullshit” (about mom not being with a friend) and said “I’ll see you in court!”
So he’s going to sue me for being…barely in the will? He’s going to…contest the will? Contest my D PoA?
I contacted my lawyer and I will put her on retainer tomorrow. I took pics of my mom and her friend laughing and put them on Facebook. Proof.
I contacted my mom’s Dept. Human Services agent to tell her I am under attack from family making threats and it’s disrupting my mom’s “snow globe” and I am taking action to gird ourselves from these attacks.
My mom explicitly told me she has no desire to speak to him or anyone else. She said she can’t remember who he is. She doesn’t know the grandkids. Certainly not their wives, who are the ones who are stirring the shit.
I don’t think it’s wrong of me to leave the ringer off a few days.
I’m dying to see what I get sued for.
Finally I was told by my nephew that my dad would “be disgusted by me” which is one of those nuclear type of things that there’s no coming back from as far as I’m concerned.
I will do everything I can to make sure they are legally cut off in every way. I will figure out a legal maneuver so that every time they want to call mom they have to go through me and, TO BE CLEAR, everyone will have un-encumbered access to my mom should they want to, but I’m going to have to charge them for my time.
We’ll sort that out, legally. I’m done playing nice. I keep looking for a way that I messed up or that I did something wrong. There’s no possible way, because all I’ve done is take care of mom and put the rest of my life on hold.
Here’s what I didn’t do: Come out of the blue and tell my family we’ve created a weird clique and none of us will be attending your wedding. But that’s what they did to me.
I didn’t contact anyone else in my family and machine-gun grievances up to and including “You should have embalmed your dad so I didn’t have to see him so sick looking before you also paid to have him cremated” and that “I cannot be trusted to take good care of mom.”
I’m not just going to absorb this abuse. Brother said he’s going to sue me. So be it, I guess.
Know what I have? Numerous texts of them all attacking me and discussing literally provably false conspiracy theories. Know what else I have? YEARS of call logs where my brother doesn’t once contact my mom. My brother didn’t call my mom ever until after my dad died. He cannot provide any established prior relationship because he estranged himself years ago.
I also have video of my mom saying she doesn’t want to talk to him.
I hate my family.
What measures should I be taking? I can literally create and provide videos of me explaining the situation and my mom saying “I don’t want to talk to him.”
I feel like I need to prove that when I say “mom doesn’t want calls right now” I can prove it.
But I don’t know.
How do I defend myself?
That’s an excellent question for your attorney. I guess it couldn’t hurt to record your mother saying she doesn’t want to see them.
You’re doing a good job of being proactive, but here’s the thing: you shouldn’t feel you need to defend yourself. That’s what your attorney’s for. I know you probably have lots of tangled emotions, but it does you no good to engage with these folks, and it plays right into their hands. That’s something else to ask your attorney about: do you need to allow them to see your mom? If so, it should be in your home only and only with you present (as in “in the same room”).
Would they go so far as to come over when you’re not home in the hopes of influencing your mother? It seems unlikely, but if so, that could be another reason not to leave your mom alone.
I think it’s a very good thing they’re not coming to the wedding.