Dad up and died and left me to deal with my mom's Alzheimer's. I need so much advice

In My Humble Opinion
101

Wow…sorry you are going through all that mess. The fact remains that YOU are in control. Divorce the rest of the family in your brain, DO NOT under any circumstances show them the will. How dare they!!

You received good advice above to consult your lawyer he/she may have a good solution to the harassment you are being subjected to. Which may be illegal. Good for you that they are not coming to your wedding.

Wedding day has it’s own stress and you don’t need your family to make it worse. You might want to head off someone at the wedding venue in case these people show up. A Bouncer?? Weddings and Funerals bring out the worst in families…and you have both going on in a short period of time.
I also congratulate you for stepping up and caring for and protecting your mom.

102

I’ll add in here also: major sympathy that instead of family support, however vague and distant, you’re getting this crap. No matter how ticked off you are at them, no matter how necessary it is, there’s got to be some emotional wrench involved in cutting off your family; even if it’s because they’re cutting you off. And you really did not need more emotional troubles right now.

103

Small update, HUGE long therapy text:

I feel pretty good today. Mom’s doing great. We had SUCH a great night–even tho we were only out for an hour, we felt like we connected, refreshed. Fiancée really loved it. Mom had a blast with her new friend.

I feel at ease with things. I have a meeting with my lawyer set up for a week from today. I wish it was sooner, but all this stuff kind of breathes at its own pace.

This has really stuck with me. I know the next line was “that’s what your lawyer is for,” but I really do not have to defend myself. I haven’t done one single thing wrong. Thank you for typing out something silly and simple but kind of profound to me. I didn’t do anything to cause their behavior.

I made a promise to my dad that I would do my best to mend fences just before he died. I take stuff like that kind of serious, as a matter of principle.

I don’t know what all dirty laundry I’ve aired (let’s just get it all out there: THIS IS MY THERAPY and you are all my therapists! God if I could be in talk therapy right now…it’s very difficult time to get therapy). Anyway–stick with it, this is cathartic for me! here it all comes!

My brother ditched my folks over his second wife, who he ended up having to RUN AWAY FROM due to physical abuse. They bought him a house he bailed on. He constantly told my dad all his father-in-laws were better than him.

We were inseparably close most of my life. I saved his life after his first divorce, then we fell out because of his behavior around his second marriage, then he “needed his family” again after THAT marriage imploded, so we grew very close again. Then he met wife #3 and slowly they started to change. They are very materialistic and it stopped being all that fun to be around them because it was always “LOOK AT HOW WELL WE LIVE! WE TRAVEL PLACES!!” Now that I’m writing this out, I realize all of our falling outs revolve around his various women. Wow, this therapy stuff is already working!

It was around this same time (wife #3) we found out dad has a stroke and it messed up his balance, so he’d fall and not catch himself. He just retired and wanted to get all the junk done to the house so he could live out his days there. We put a new roof on, we repainted the whole thing (it’s a Victorian and painted-lady style, not a very fun repaint project). When I say “we repainted the house” I mean my mom and my dad and I with rollers and brushes. I did all the young-guy stuff and they did what they did the lower stuff.

We also had to dig up all the brick pavers and poured tons of new sidewalks, decking, and railing. We pulled up all the decking on the wraparound porch and installed that plastic wood stuff. We put new windows in. I was out there working every day. I am self-employed and have a flexible lifestyle (which puts me in a great position to take care of my mom now). The bottom line was mom and dad needed a heck of a lot of manual labor help, and they had it in me.

Brother and I had a routine of being in touch that fell away. He stopped calling or texting. I finally reached out to him and he was real aloof, and said he heard I had been helping mom and dad out a lot with projects.

Yep. They need help. I can help. I’m helping.

“Well…I just feel bad I can’t be around to help out more.”

Come when you can! Bring a shovel!

“Well but on the weekends I have to work my extra jobs…”

Ok then be happy I can help. Why are you being so weird?

“Well I just think mom and dad would RATHER you help…I think they like spending time with you more.”

Ok so YOU need therapy, got it.

That was probably the last honest conversation we have ever had.
After that, his wife literally drug out court records to try to poison my parents against me (over a credit card debt). That didn’t work and soured everyone on their behavior. I wrote her asking her to find a better hobby than looking me up with her FBI credentials, and boy, she let me have it. “We don’t love you no one cares about you, You’re pathetic” and so on and so forth (literal quotes).

Again, one of those kind of nuclear lines in the sand. Brother didn’t want to touch it–he would have been inclined to just never ever speak with me again, he hates dealing with problems (he just hangs back and waits for people to call him). I texted him and said we had to deal with it, and he needed to come to me.

He refused.

After some time, I finally reached out to him. He stood by what she said and added a “fuck you” before hanging up.

Well, that was a breaking point for my dad. So the NEW estrangement was on. And it sucked…I spent a lot of time trying to help my mom to stop crying, or consoling my dad every time he’d ask “where did we go wrong as parents?” It was heartbreaking. It was infuriating.

But, yet, I continued to reach out. Sometimes I’d text him at random. “I love you, Brother. You’re the only one I have.”

Nothing.

He never reached out.

One final straw for me was we were all kind of sorta trying to make nice–his kids, my neiflings–and my folks always got together as a group for family events.

I know I’m coming off as the “goody-two-shoes” and last time I was in therapy she told me “You take on a lot of the ‘good son’ roles” which pissed me off–I HAVE TO DO the things or the things don’t happen. All that to say I had to orchestrate every get-together, but we did, up until COVID.

Anyway our gaggle was meeting for Thanksgiving and brother promised dad he’d be there. Dad was so excited to have the WHOLE family there.

Brother no-call/no-showed. That night I texted him and said whatever his beef with me was, he needed to have a unilateral relationship w dad, that there weren’t many good years left and someday he’d regret it.

That was pretty much the last measurable contact we had before this year’s downturn. He had to be more involved because at one point I was under COVID restrictions, and just by sheer necessity he took my dad to the ER once. He didn’t come around much, didn’t call me ever. Right at the end, he got butthurt after seeing I was reaching out for professional guidance as I was watching my dad slip away. He said it wasn’t fair he wasn’t more in the loop. But it’s the same shit–just more responsibility on me to keep him informed all while he hangs back and doesn’t help all that much. That was the day dad went into the hospital.

He didn’t want to come visit. He would bring up over and over this good visit he had with dad a month prior and “I said my goodbyes then.” He refused any ashes after the funeral. He seems to be uninterested in the whole thing.

I promised my dad I would make nice. I did. We had one conversation about how troubling I found it so many people were saying the house has to go (and can you NOW SEE the sentimentality involved with this house? Can you see how my folks wanted to BE SURE it went to me? So much love and work went into it. Now it’s a big problem I have to solve)…that was the last time we spoke. He hasn’t called to ask what the plan is, or if I found out any more info.

No, all he’s done since then is be an asshole and let his family attack me.

I’ve tried to play nice. I tried to mend fences. I kept my promise to my dad. I woke up today realizing both brother and his son have threatened “legal trouble” for me. I’m pretty sure protocol is to cut off all contact after such threats–why put myself in further legal peril? I should wait to hear from his lawyer.

I woke up realizing I don’t have to talk to them or give them any access until after we talk to my lawyer. I can cut them out like a cancer.

I saw that message from Nelliebly. I don’t have to defend myself. THERE IS NOTHING TO DEFEND. They are attacking me based on a possible outcome. But the house was never going to anyone but me. The will is as the will says.

Mom and dad didn’t trust him, which is why all of this responsibility is foisted off on me. I sure don’t want it.

I felt this obligation to fix our relationship–the promise to my dad–but I tried. They are assholes.

I realized I don’t have to gladhand them anymore. I don’t have to suffer through being around them and playing cordial. We can all just be done. DAD IS GONE. NONE OF THIS MATTERS NOW.

I feel relieved. I feel like I have a long history of reaching out and trying to play nice. He has a history of attacking me, flinging insults, and generally being a dickhead. I would LOVE for him to pursue legal action. “Hey I’ve estranged myself from my family and broken their hearts. I was left out of the will and my brother, who had been taking care of both of them for years, is in charge and I don’t like any of this. Can we sue them for resentment?”

I haven’t done anything wrong, but MOREOVER I haven’t done anything to give the insinuation of impropriety. It’s literally just those people day drinking on a boat talking shit about me.

I have never done anything for them to think I am dishonest. They have made major conspiratorial assumptions, it’s all crazy-people shit. He doesn’t know me on a personal level and has no way to even gauge how honest I may or may not be. Same goes for my nephews. He hated the relationship I developed with my parents. He’s jealous. And he’s alienated himself.

I tried. I’m never trying again.

I don’t think legally I have to ever speak with him. I did NOT show him but one of the nephews knew how things were cut so verbally, so I hope now that the cat is out of the bag regarding the will, I hope they’ll back off. I can’t imagine being so legally legless that he would run his credit up any further chasing this legally, but they are frivolous. They’d love to have you out on the boat!

I feel like I’ve turned a page and I feel better, at least. I am allowing myself to focus on this wedding in a few weeks. Nothing else is very pressing–we’ll get things locked down w the lawyer and brother can deal w them from here on out. We’ll do the neuro-psych eval a few weeks before the wedding, we’ll enjoy ourselves, and I’ll hit the ground running after that. She’s happy in this bubble. I’m not going to burst it.

I’m giving myself permission to free my mind for a while.

Thank for this wonderful session of therapy.

104

I am really, really, really not a therapist, and I hope sometime you’ll talk to an actual therapist. Also that others will jump in.

You feel that way because you’re the good son. Someone who wasn’t so good (like your brother) wouldn’t feel they HAD to do those things. You didn’t ask and never wanted all this responsibility dumped on you, but though you could have shirked it, you didn’t.

ISTM your role in the family has long been that of mediator, ambassador, and fixer-upper. When it’s part of your identity, it’s very hard to let that go. (I speak from experience.) It’s also an exhausting job. You’ve tried to patch things up, but you can’t stitch together such flimsy fabric. You can’t change who your brother is. You’ve made good on your promise to your dad. I’m sure he wouldn’t want you to keep trying. And I think anything you do or say to the relatives at this point will only feed the beast, to mix metaphors.

Quick side note: you might ask about speech therapy for your mom. It sounds odd, but it really does help some Alzheimers patients improve memory. Here’s more info on it.

105

I just had a great talk with mom about the immediate future. I have both the legal and moral blessing from my lawyer and my mom to be done with the family. I genuinely feel a great sense of toxic purge, and it’s nice.

Like I said above, I’m allowing myself some free brain space to try to figure out how to enjoy my wedding. That’s going to take some doing–just learning how to relax enough to enjoy it. But I’m allowing that. That’s next.

When we get back, I’m going to find ALZ group, therapist, geriatrician, ALL of it.

I have one project that I can finish ASAP when we finally get some answers re: respite (I’ve done my part, I’m waiting for them to get everything squared in the system). Finishing will afford me enough money that I can coast off savings for the rest of the year and probably even early spring. So that will give me time to dig in and get her help and try all manner of things.

Future is feeling brighter. Every day is a new hell, tho, so we’ll see what tomorrow brings.

106

I heartily endorse this idea. Speech Pathologists can help with anything cognitive. They would be able to work with you too, to help set up the best home routine for your mom. With a doctors referral Medicare should pay for speech/language therapy. Whoever does the neuropsych evaluation would be a good source for that physician speech language referral.

107

Thank you. Now that she and my wedding are my only focus, I would love to know anything else I should ask about before our eval. It’s roughly mid Oct.

I want to ask about a few things. I have been researching Sundowning medications because she’s easy peasy except for the sundown stuff. She’s amenable to CBD and there’s tons of research that is saying it might be beneficial. She’s giving vast deference (never thought I’d make that pun!) to “I’ll take anything that helps if the doctors say it’s ok.” I’m going to ask the doctor about that.

I’m going to ask about her physical gate. She has a fairly stable but lumbering gate. Bad posture. Hunched over. I want to figure out exercises that will help her not be a fall risk. Keeping her stable and walking as long as possible is my goal. Even if that means going to a gym and doing a treadmill.

I want to take really good care of her. I want us in therapy. She’s too hard on herself. Even if she can’t remember, I can, and I can use the things they teach us.

I want to be in a ALZ group. I need constant advice. I’m now to a point I can OFFER advice.

I am documenting everything. I kind of want to write a book.

I’ve turned a corner. Mom’s not that hard, and god bless her, I really LIKE her. I had no idea! I never knew her! She was always “dad’s wife.” She’s funny. She’s biting. She’s rough around the edges. She’s a smart ass. We rib each other constantly.

MY GOALS are for her to live with me forever or until it’s 100% not possible. My wife has agreed to marry the two of us. I can rejigger my career and I will get to be a freelance artist and not stuck out in the sun on murals all the time.

If this pans out how I hope it does, I will be ESPECIALLY well positioned to take care of her. And it’s nice to have this time and this new relationship with her.

I keep a daily “mood” app thing. Today is as close to a good day that I have had in more than a month.

108

Ask for a referral for a physical therapy ‘fall risk/fall prevention’ evaluation from the geriatrician. PTs are the best to evaluate and rehab posture/gait. Fall prevention is very important for her age group of women. You can do a lot in that regard even prior to a PT work up.

Your local Area Agency on Aging probably has useful resources for home safety and fall prevention: things like no throw rugs or mats, no extension cords, best types of shoes, good lighting, etc. Think about doing a virtual Tai chi class with your mom, there are ones you do in a chair. It could be a fun thing to do together and it helps with balance and posture.

109

Those are great suggestions, BippetyBoppityBoo.

And here’s something else to try: playing music from your mom’s youth. Studies have shown it really helps dementia patients. It helped my aunt. The part of the brain where musical memory is retained is unaffected by Alzheimer’s.

Ask your mom what her favorite songs were when she was young. It could be a great conversation. Encourage her to clap her hands and/or sing along. If she’s up to it, you could even dance with her to the slow ones.

I’m so glad you’re doing so much better and that you’re getting to know your mom in a whole new way.

110

My dad is very hunched over, and has trouble holding his head up. His gait is painfully slow at best. We were able to find him a very good physical therapist. She is moving him along slowly, due to age, but we’re seeing improvements. All of which to say, I endorse the PT suggestion.

You’ve got a lot going on and I’m glad you’re finding your way through this.

111

This is all major, major, and very good to see: that you and your mother are getting along well, that your about-to-be-wife is onboard with this, and that your other responsibilities can be worked around this situation.

And seconding what others have said about gait evaluation, balance training, and familiar music.

112

Re the gait: I wonder if she might be amenable to using a walking stick of some sort. Find something really snazzy looking. I’m not your mother’s age but I find a trek pole REALLY helpful when doing anything other than routine around-the-house stuff.

So glad to hear you’re enjoying your mom’s company.

Oh, and the rest of the family is a bunch of assholes. Not just innate assholiness, but it seems like they’ve all gone out of their way to study and polish the trait :(. Yes, they could try to sue you. Possibly taking the tack that you somehow unduly influenced the parents to write the will the way it is, or something.

They are free to spend their money on a futile effort - the unfortunate thing is this might make you waste your money on defending the effort. If it ever goes before a judge, make sure your lawyer demands recompense from the other side when they lose (not that you’d ever see a dime of that, but it’ll be useful to have such a judgment in place).

113

This is an excellent idea and we will do that. We went for a lovely walk w the neighbor lady and the little dog, and I think stuff like that is good for her. Part of my concern about her posture and gait are twofold: 1, she’s getting more exercise than she normally did in life. We’re hauling all over kingdom-come. Which is a good thing, I just don’t want to end up with an injury or some other problem. 2, she spends a lot of time sitting in a chair doing whatever she’s doing, for hours. I got her a much more comfortable office style chair and put pillows behind her back, but she complains about back pain so every once in a while I remind her to sit up more straight so her back won’t hurt.

OH! And there’s a whole new niggle with the house I realized today: Her whole world in that house is the entire upstairs that’s a monster craft-nest. She only needs ONE table so she can remain focused. But that’s not my point–point is she’s NEVER going to be able to last in that house with a steep upstairs. House is simply not long-term tenable.

I’m finally ahead of the advice on this one! She ONLY listened to gospel music, so I found her favorite radio station and she’s streaming it over her phone into a BT speaker. She loves it. I catch her singing and toe tapping all the time. She’s very happy in her little unshaken snow globe.

Whew. We’re getting there…

This made me LOL and has stuck with me most of today. :slight_smile: You are right–they just can’t help themselves.

There was a trend in politics last cycle where one side kept accusing the other of specific stuff, but it was only because THEY were actually trying to pull that stuff. I see it kind of like that–they are just projecting the bitterness that is in their hearts, and the advantageous ways they could do the wrong things then project that on to me.

Or they are just crazy jerks.

114

Jesus, I can’t have a good night.

As a dumb, regrettable attempt at what I thought was a CYA move on my part, I unblocked brother on mom’s phone. She’s in the middle of sundowning and not making much sense…I didn’t hear it ringing until after she already answered.

So I sit in there as she has the phone on speaker all the time (she always has done that). So I hear the whole thing, and she’s just talking about how happy she is but how she wants to go home and give us our space. He asked some real specific questions, like 'oh…do you ever get to go home?" And my mom can’t remember.

So then he starts trying to direct her. “Mom, you sound good–you should really homesick, tho. Aren’t you really homesick? Don’t you want me to get you back home?”

So I loudly said “we can’t go home until she’s cleared by her doctors and lawyers and this conversation is over.”

He was clearly trying to record her saying things so he can try to use them in court.

So I once again reminded my mom what was going on, how we have to meet with a lawyer, etc etc. She was enraged. I kept saying she really shouldn’t answer because Greg is just getting info to use against me in court.

She kept saying she’s never talked to him.

So I made a 6 minute video asking her if anyone called. “No.” Didn’t hear from Brother? “Psh. NO, he never calls.” Has he visited you? Or asked to visit? Or asked for you to stay with him? “No! He’s not involved.”

She said many other things, like “well if he’s talking about court we should probably let all info go through the lawyers” as well as “I don’t even know how to work the phone, or where it is.” mom it’s directly in front of you on the table. She fumbles with it. “No one ever calls so I just ignore it.”

God. It never ends. Monday cannot get here fast enough.

115

So now you know: don’t unblock your brother or any of the other asshole relatives. I don’t think it does anything to CYA, but your attorney can tell you. Just hang tight until then and join her in her snow globe. You’ll be protecting your mom as well as yourself.

Has your mom had bone density tests? I ask because my BIL was very hunched-over, and tests showed he had osteoporosis, which no amount of sitting up straight could help. Physical therapy and a walker did improve his posture somewhat, though he had trouble remembering to use the walker. He was in worse shape than your mother.

116

Well right there, that’s your evidence that Mom’s still got something going on upstairs! :smiley:

117

Yes indeed. But it’s necessary to remember both that her degree of awareness may vary from moment to moment, and that it may have odd gaps in it. So her being aware that everything should go through the lawyers doesn’t mean that she may not, at any particular moment, say something that she shouldn’t into a possible recording.

118

I’m just trying to make it through til Monday. But I couldn’t sleep and today everything is finally catching up with me. My anxiety is through the roof. My brain is running over every possible rotten thing they could pull. I’ve got myself worked to the point I’ve been vomiting all morning. I am sick. I’m tired. I am sick and tired.

I want to make a few points:

  1. Brother is a cop. not a “Cop-cop”–he’s too old for that–but he knows tons of cops.
    And just to make our positions clear:
  2. Brother has been estranged until this year and has only been marginally involved since, out of all the ER visits he took dad the ONE time when I had COVID.
  3. Mom and dad’s wills and quit-claim deed was filed 9 years ago. Since he’s deliberately included, I don’t know how he can contest the will. There’s no way to say it was amended or created after mom’s memory slips.
  4. I am POA both Durable and Health Care via documents we signed and notarized before my dad died but also through probate through he and my mom’s will.
  5. I have not probated the will, nor taken ownership of the deed/house as joint tenants in common (only signed an affidavit of survivorship for mom).
  6. The will/quitclaim was immediately created after a conversation about how they “hoped to live long enough to give it all away.” I asked if they anticipated the not-as-well-included siblings to take more than their share were either of them to die. They freaked out, and went and had the will set up.
  7. I’m executor.

NOW.

I have a hard time believing he could SUCCESSFULLY undo all that they have done to gird themselves legally.

But he’s already making things endlessly more difficult, and he apparently intends to. Calling her last night after sundowning hours (it was 9:18pm) after she had taken her sleep medication, then getting her all ruffled about going home–it took me HOURS to calm her down. She became affected because I was upset and it was a whole thing.

I feel like as HCPOA I can say “all calls go through me. Mom’s phone has become a problem.”

I literally want to text him something like “Calls need to go through me from now on. But lawyer gave me written permission to ignore you until at least after our meeting.”

I only want to text him because I just read “keeping a sibling from visiting a parent is a form of elder abuse.” Now, he’s not asked to see her, not once–but I’m afraid he and his cop goons might show up for welfare checks and literally take her away from me.

The problem with her “consent” is it’s only a few seconds at a time. It’s tough on me because we’ll agree to something she totally fully understands then will forget. That’s just stuff on the up and up.

So OF COURSE if you start asking her about going home, duh, yes, she wants to go home? Hell I WANT that. If somehow the neuro-psych eval comes out she’s great to be home, great!

But the house is, at some point, going to become a problem. And I just don’t see any way they can wrest the house from me legally since I have so many overlapping entitlements.

BTW all of this could be somewhat quelled should he just ask what my plan is, but he’s just assuming the worst.

Do I text? I’m terrified of keeping or not keeping written proof that “you can call all yu want just call through me, we’ll ask if she wants to talk, but for now no talking until after lawyer time.” Do I just wait? Monday is the meeting w Lawyer.

OH

Our state DHS agent is coming tomorrow morning to discuss insurance-covered respite options and approved facilities. I have requested she evaluate my mom’s well being and care. I am going to ask for a written report, and give that to the lawyer so she can maybe legally get brother to back off. I’m going to ask if she can report to brother she is doing so well and tell him to back off, too?

k off to vomit again.

119

When I have to take my POA docs to have them physically scanned, do I keep the main and bring in copies to scan…or do I need the ORIGINAL document every time?

I’m starting to worry about how important that paperwork is.

120

Ask the lawyer.

And I’d wait to make any further contact until you’ve asked the lawyer about that, too.