I’m not quite at the Caddyshack/gopher level of obsession just yet. Plus my neighbors might not like the loud noise at 5:30 a.m., even in a good cause.
So I guess hooking up the paper to a speaker that says in a Voice-of-God tone “Put the paper down!” would be out, then.
They often have impressed into the metal, “U.S. MAIL ONLY”. 
They’re still used in rural areas. My grandparents have a long driveway with the mailbox and paper box at the top of it. I think my aunt’s is also delivered in a box at the end of the driveway. It probably saves a heck of a lot of time for the delivery people.
Can I put in a vote for rubbing it with something foul? Poison oak would be my preference.
I doubt that they’re available for sale to the general public, but an dye pack like the ones used to booby-trap packs of money stolen by bank robbers would be an effective solution. That stuff can’t be readily scrubbed off.
Just check the bus stop area for a chagrined, orange thief.
That’s how it starts. Then it degenerates to coyote/roadrunner. It never ends well.
If you are going to get up early enough to booby trap the paper, why not just wait by the window with a video camera and walk out and confront the thief?
Yes, I can see the Acme Newspaper Loader exploding prematurely in his face.
Call the newspaper and complain. Be prepared to cancel your subscription. I’ve done that now and then. I usually get a good deal when they call up to ask me to resubscribe.
Or just be patient, 'cause I don’t think I’ve ever had the same delivery person for longer than three months or so.
On a totally unrelated newspaper pitting issue, the St. Louis Post-Dispatch is the first paper I’ve ever received that doesn’t have a place on the bill for a carrier tip. Why not? How am I going to tip the poor slob, who has actually been pretty darn good so far.
What they do have is a place for me to contribute to a fund for them to give newspapers to schools, which is - frankly - their problem. If they want kids to get in the habit of reading papers so they’ll buy them for 50 years, the publisher can contribute the paper to the schools, not expect me to help them out in their business model.