dealing with SOs sexual issues (fake Os etc)?

In My Humble Opinion
1

Hi,

I am in my mid-30s and my GF is in her early 30s.

We have been seeing each other for around 6 months.

There are a few issues with our sex life.

First, I suspect she is faking orgasms either frequently or all the time, but she has denied this when asked directly twice.

Second, she will not communicate during sex about what works for her and says that she CANNOT do this communication.

Third, she will not share sexual thoughts or fantasies in any detail, and says she CANNOT do this.

Fourth, she will very rarely if at all initiates sex, and says she CANNOT do this.

Fifth, she was sexually assaulted once in her early 20s and raised with a negative attitude about sex and blames these things for the issues above, but I believe there is much more to her past and she is not sharing it.

Lastly, I do not believe that she will be honest about things that might jeopardize our relationship. For instance, I do not think she would ever admit to faking orgasms often, even if true.

Before I go into any detail, these are the areas where I am looking for input:

  1. Can I be sure if she is faking orgasms despite her word?
  2. What are some good ways to approach these communication issues and be sure that she is being honest?
  3. Are there any sex advice forums, etc. where I can get actual advice and not PC stuff like “she’s a victim and so needs you to do XYZ and you are selfish and don’t love her if you don’t do it”. Basically, I want to avoid forums populated with people with sexual dysfunction that will do reverse victim-blaming.

Details

The reason I believe she is faking Os is as follows. I have had around 16 sexual partners, all women. The first woman I dated could not orgasm due to past sexual trauma, but all others could at least to my knowledge. All of them went through these stages roughly: increased breathing and heart rate, tightening of body muscles, flushing of neck/chest/etc, tightening of vaginal muscles, pulsing of vaginal muscles during O, increased lubrication before/after O, “tenting” of the vaginal cavity before O, and heavy breathing/seemingly spontaneous and slightly uncontrollable noises/movements/facial expressions during O.

My GF seems very much like she is replicating a porno. Her movements and vocalizations do not seem spontaneous and are a bit overly dramatic. Lastly, her vaginal muscles do not tighten or move during O, she is sometimes dry afterward, and her vagina does not change shape in the characteristic manner.

I asked her once “Are you faking sometimes because your vagina does not respond by tightening during O and my experience is that this usually occurs”. She stated that this doesn’t happen for some women.

A few weeks ago, I asked her to squeeze me like a kiegel while I was inside her. She said ok, and then I felt nothing AT ALL. I think that she did not want to do it because she did not want me to know what it feels like when she does (bc then I would know what I should be feeling somewhat). The other night, during her supposed orgasm, I felt tightening around my penis in a rhythmic way. I looked down and she was using her fingers to squeeze rhythmically. I asked her if she was doing that and she said yes. I think she was trying to trick me into thinking her body was having the typical response. Keep in mind, I have not harped on this but only asked twice about it.

So, how can I actually tell if I don’t think she will tell me the truth because at this point she might have to admit to faking them for months? Also, I have had no problems before with giving women Os, and so it is fair to say that she might be faking to cover up issues. With what she tells me of my performance (other lies?) and my past, I am not extremely likely to be the issue since I have good equipment and have given more than 10 women orgasms, some long term partners 100s of them. (I of course do not tell her this, but it is obvious that I do not lack confidence in this area)

She has told me “you are the first person that sex has been comfortable with and that I’ve been able to lubricate and have an O with without first being drunk”. Supposedly, in her past relationships, she needed to be drunk to the point of disassociating in order to enjoy sex or have an O. I am just afraid that she has been deceiving me all along. This is problematic for many reasons one of which is that there is little hope to improve this situation if she will not speak to me honestly.

During sex, she will not tell me if something works/feels good or not. She said it just makes her extremely uncomfortable. She is not interested in changing this, it seems. Also, she told me she has no sexual fantasies, but this is not true as she has shared a few but then later told me that she just isn’t comfortable.

When we began having sex, she responded strongly (especially when drinking) to pretty rough sex (being tied up, arms held, spanking, hair lightly pulled, etc) and so I increased these things within reason. However, I feel that now she might be wanting me to simulate past sexual abuse, and I just can’t feel good about that. It is no longer a turn on for me. I feel like some sort of virtual rapist, and so I cannot give her this and feel good about it. Also, there is no way I could actually bring something like that up if I can’t even discuss that I think she fakes her Os.

The reason I think she has had early sexual abuse is that her parents were highly dysfunctional and left her with her grandma from toddler age to junior high. At this time, there was an alcoholic stepgrandfather in the house that used to do things like take her to the bar with him. She told me that she cannot remember much from age 7 to 12. She said it was because kids at school were mean and she had no friends and so that created amnesia of a sort. Also, she said that she was raised to think sex was wrong and that the role of women was to please me sexually and that they could not say no. As a result, as you can imagine, she got a boyfriend and began having sex with him early on in high school.

I know that I cannot ask her about that now if I can’t even as about things that are relatively mundane. I realize that if true it would be a massive source of shame. She would not want me to see her “damage” from that.

I have read that victims of past sexual abuse are more likely to be assaulted as adults, which makes some sense. Also, this is awful, but given that I have the strong sense that she lies whenever or is deceitful when it comes to things that might hurt me/change how I see her, I almost doubt the early 20s rape story. I can honestly see her inventing that to explain away her hang ups so she does not have to admit to the true source.

So, I feel totally screwed. My GF has a boatload of sexual issues, it seems. I am betting they are worse than I even know. And she won’t talk about them and doesn’t seem interested in working on things that make her uncomfortable.

I feel like my sex life is fake.

There are good points to our relationship, but I feel like running.

I am not sure if she would even admit the truth to a counselor or a close friend.

I am rather lost.

2

*please meN sexually

3

I think you should find someone you feel you can trust. Really. If you can’t take her word or she cannot communicate the way you want after 6 months and you can’t accept it. . . you need to find someone else. You’ll both be happier in the long run.

4

I don’t think it’s reasonable to expect to change her at this point. she has told you she “Can’t” do certain things. It doesn’t really matter whether she cant or simply doesn’t want to, your job is to decide whether you want to be in a relationship given the parameters she has laid out.

Opening up to the kind of intimacy you are hoping for requires opening up to old pain in her case. It doen’t matter what that pain resulted from, and it’s not your job to guess or try to get her to face it. You are not qualified or prepared to help her through what comes next, she needs an established relationship with a qualified therapist to see her through that.

She’s not currently interested in taking that journey. I’m sure we all hope she will walk through it to the other side some day, but she’s told you that now is not the time.

So, the decision before you is whether the other good things are worth settling on this point.

5

Seems like you want a very sexual relationship and she does not. You don’t seem compatible, you should break up.

6

The “few issues” with your sex life might be few, but they are major in the sense that you two seem to have incompatible expectations and needs WRT sex. Unless you’re both willing to get some (probably extensive) counseling and start communicating openly about your sex life I don’t see how this can work out. What you’re describing would be a deal breaker for me.

7

This would be a deal breaker for me.

Have you tried explaining how you feel. Not being accusatory towards her, but what you need from a sexual partner?

8

She needs therapy. She is not comfortable talking about these things with you and doesn’t sound like she will be any time soon. Either she needs to work on them with someone else or nothing will change…

Actually that is not true. Things will get worse. You will feel like your sex life is fake and almost a chore she does for you which will sap your enjoyment. It will be a chore for her, and the less you are getting out of it the less likely she will be to do it. When she feels more secure in this as a long term relationship she will feel less of a need to go outside of her comfort zone for you. You will watch your sex life wither and die.

If she doesn’t get help, you need to get out now. Also, she can’t be getting therapy to make you happy. She has to decide she wants to feel better about things, and you need to let her know that if she wants to try to feel better about them, you are willing to stick around while she figures herself out, even if it takes a while.

9

While there’s lots of issues in your post, this is the one that I key in on.

She cannot initiate sex? Seriously? Of course she can. If she is saying that she just simply cannot do it, then that’s the one thing that really does confirm for me that she has issues that would doom a long-term relationship. Even if she’s faking everything else and uncomfortable talking about sex, I could maybe see trying to work it out. But this is just clearly untrue and clearly an unwillingness on her part to participate in her own sex life.

If she can’t at least move her answer to “I suppose I can do that now and then, but I’d prefer if you initiate” then I think you’re better off getting out sooner rather than later.

10

…with the OP.

11

Well… yeah, I suppose she might work out with a different kind of partner, but I’m not really sure you can have a successful long-term relationship with anyone unless there’s some basic honesty (with oneself, let alone with the partner).

12

Thanks, everyone.

I’ve googled online forums etc for sexual advice and didn’t find anything promising.

Any recommendations for other resources?

I need to keep this anonymous for the most part and can’t “poll my IRL friends” or ask them for advice because I am afraid of the potential fall out, etc.

13

Try being a little more of a selfish lover with her and let her enjoy pleasing you. She may get off on her ability to seduce and turn men on. I learned this strategy a little late in life but have had pretty good success with it in dealing with some women as you describe.

14

This is how I’d respond to many of the issues the OP describes. There’s nothing inherently wrong with not wanting to initiate sex, with wanting to please a partner, with being submissive, etc. Plenty of people have issues with achieving orgasm and still manage to have functional sex lives. And so on.

But if she’s insisting that she just plain cannot do something that is clearly within her capabilities if she chooses to… that’s a giant red flag that there are honesty and/or emotional issues here.

If I had any advice to offer in dealing with it, it’d be to at least get her to admit that she could do things like initiate sex, but just doesn’t want to. There’s a difference between cannot and will not. If they can get to will not, then the OP and his partner would be having a discussion that’s at least a little bit productive.

15

Damn, I’d definitely agree your sex life has issues. Especially if this is the same woman you describe in this “bring up inconsistencies”* thread two weeks ago, i.e. the one whom you were seeing back in August. Back then you said you thought she was probably having an affair, what lying about her incredibly active social life, dressing kinda skanky (what with those painted-on clothes and breasts practically falling out of her top), the fact that she wouldn’t tell you anything about her past, and especially that was spending nights out. As you said,

Eventually you even broke up with her.

Since in that thread you mentioned that you were disappointed one couldn’t expect monogamy in this day and age, it’s surprising to learn that you yourself were apparently seeing two women, one of whom was sexually promiscuous and addicted to social media (perhaps to be expected since she was five years your junior), whereas this woman is apparently withholding, prim, traumatized and anorgasmic.

My suggestion is to find a happy medium between these two partners of yours, or if this is the same woman, then you need to find someone who isn’t so much of a Sybil. At least find someone consistent.

  • Irony alert!
16

Same one.

I proved myself wrong digitally about her phone habits. I won’t go into how other than mentioning that I program computers in over 5 languages and have produced phone apps.

She didn’t dress like that or go out much at all.

That past behavior of hers that bothered me and her having issues in the bedroom are not incompatible with each other. They both coexisted at the same time.

17

How do you know for sure she is “faking”? Is it possible she is just copying behaviour seen in pornos? A lot of people use that as sort of a guide to how sex could be, misguided but not malicious.

Some women want the man to initiate sex, just a preference. I guess you have to decide if that bothers you enough.

EDIT:A lot of your complaints are that she doesn’t respond like other women, maybe she just doesn’t. Maybe she can’t squeeze her vaginal muscles like a kegel.

I’m imagining a woman posting about how when her male partner ejaculates he dribbles instead of shoots like she is used to, everyone is different.

18

I’m trying very hard to understand what you mean by this. From the POV of a person who suffered sexual-trauma related PTSD for years it sounds pretty insulting. You are not a selfish asshole for wanting to have sex with your girlfriend, if that’s what you mean. But your degree of sensitivity toward the situation is going to be a pretty significant factor in the success of the relationship. You might actually have to change the way you do things, yes. That may not be fair for you but it sure as fuck isn’t fair for her either. You are both victims and part of the joy of PTSD in a committed relationship is recognizing that this is a thing you face together. It will require sacrifices from both of you. It’s a lot easier to deal with when you both place the blame squarely on the shoulders of whatever asshole sexually assaulted her rather than each other. And honestly I don’t think it will work if one of you is blaming the other.

Anyway, she might be traumatized but that’s really no excuse for dishonesty. Based on this and the recent posts that have come to light from past threads, I would say this is not a sex problem but a trust problem. You don’t believe a lot of what she is telling you and she is clearly not comfortable enough to communicate. Your recent post suggests you did some weird covert programming shit that was invasive to her privacy which really does not bode well. It’s impossible to know if the root of the problem is her behavior, your behavior, or most likely, both of you. To be honest with you, I couldn’t deal with having a partner that felt unable to communicate about sexual issues. I sort of have to by nature of my own issues.

You mentioned she wouldn’t communicate about her needs during sex - could she at least communicate about sex when you aren’t having it? She needs to give on some level, and if she can’t, she either needs professional help to get there or maybe it just isn’t going to work.

This I will back you up on. I once got raked over the coals here 8 years ago for a similar ‘‘inconsistency’’ because I discussed sexual trauma related dysfunction in one thread and a positive sexual experience and overall general positive view of sexuality in another thread. I don’t think most people grok that people handle trauma in all kinds of ways and are affected significantly in some areas while not in others. A person, for example, might be fine having a one-night stand but have those issues come out in a committed relationship. Or they might only come out with a certain person. Or in certain contexts with certain people. Or there may be no pattern whatsoever. It’s pretty random that way.

19

I’ll add that as much as I hate discounting anyone’s trauma story, my gut says you are right that there is more to her past than she is letting on. Her inability to communicate suggests she is dealing with some pretty intense shame about sexuality. I’ve never been sexually assaulted as an adult so I would never claim that behavior is uncharacteristic of adult sexual assault victims, however, the holes in her childhood history and my own personal memories of being dragged to bars as a kid just have me pinging pretty heavily on the childhood abuse theory. (My abuse had nothing to do with being dragged to bars so take that for what it’s worth.)

I’m also inclined to trust your instincts about her lying about orgasm, but I suppose anything is possible. I am one of those people inclined to believe everyone is telling the truth always because I just don’t understand deliberate dishonesty on a pretty fundamental level. But you’ve been with enough women that I don’t think your suspicions are unreasonable.

I guess the biggest question I have is, has she received mental health counseling for her issues, and if not, is she willing to? In that sense the ball really is in her court.

(Apologies if you answered that question and I missed it. I’m not all here today.)

20

Fair enough and thank you.

I’ve just seen a lot of things online where trauma to one person in the relationship can’t be viewed in an unbiased way within the relationship.

For instance, as the one without these issues, I would expect many people to basically say that if I love her then I’ll put up with anything and that basically I’m wrong about everything.

That’s just what a certain crowd does, especially to a man. It’s just a thing I see nowadays, the triumph of sensitivity over common sense instead of a balance.

I’m sorry if that came off wrong on my part.

I did not sneakily do something weird to her phone. She knew she was innocent and was acting odd but unintentionally (her female friends told her after the break up that it was totally rational for me to see her actions in that light especially in a relatively new relationship where I didn’t know if I could trust her totally).

So, she gave me her phone and access to online phone account and told me to do whatever I wanted to ease my mind. I won’t go into what I did other than I did NOT put spyware on it. I simply know how to look around computing devices in a way others do not realize is possible. But thanks for assuming the worst :wink: