In my job, I must interact with the public (all ages, all races, all income levels, both genders, as public as you can get). One thing that has always made me uncomfortable in working with the public is the fear that one of these days someone who’s been raised to believe that every adult male in the world is a pervert waiting for an opportunity to act is going to misinterpret something I do.
For this reason, I generally:
… do not smile for more than a half second at a time.
… rarely maintain eye contact with anyone for more than a second or so.
… NEVER touch anybody.
… always place myself between the person I am helping and any walls nearby so as not to appear to be “boxing them in” (I am roughly 6 feet, 250 lbs, bearded, and none-too-attractive, so I constantly worry about appearing physically threatening).
I have a couple of questions for the Dopers:
If you work with the public, does any of this stuff worry you? (In other words, am I neurotically obsessing on stuff I should just let go of?)
If not, does any of this stuff occur to you when you are a customer, in like a big book store or a library or a department store?
And last, I guess, am I a victim of society, and if so, how can I sue to get my self-esteem back?
It sounds like you’re a considerate employee, something I’m sure your customers appreciate. It also sounds like you’re worrying a bit too much. You’re right about the no touching rule, and not boxing them in probably adds to their comfort. But I like it when I get some eye contact and a smile from a store employee, it sure beats the zombie-like trance I find many of them in. I worked in a chain drug store in a mall when I was in college, I found most people appreciated a friendly, professional attitude - lots of “Yes sir” and “How may I help you m’am”. Remember: be friendly, not familiar.
I’ll second that about the eye contact and smiling. Of course, I used to work at Disneyland, so I’m big on eye contact and smiling.
By deliberately keeping eye contact limited, you’re going to encourage people to think you’re up to something. Or that you’re untrustworthy. One of the (supposed) hallmarks of a liar is the inability to maintain eye contact when speaking.
You have to be a little careful about “ma’am,” though. I’ve known women who get very upset over that appelation.
Also, [generic service sector comment]if you’re in a store working the cash register, don’t read the person’s name off their credit card unless you’re:
Sure you can pronounce it correctly,
Sure of their Marital Status (I get so sick of "Mrs. Gerrard - thanks, but that’s my mom)
EVERYBODY is a “Ma’am” or “Sir” regardless of age. I treat all customers the same whether they spend $1 or $1,000. NO physical contact unless initiated by the customer (ie: handshake, which is rare). I look at the space between the customer’s eyes instead of into them.
I have learned this from being in some form of retail in the past 19 years and it works 99% of the time.
Obligatory reminder that this is a cultural thing. Some Native Americans I have met find eye contact rude.
I appreciate your consciousness of the “boxing in” effect. I am 5 foot zero, and big people hulking over me is one of my pet peeves. Not to mention men blocking my exit.
Personally, I don’t want you to read the name off my credit card even if you are sure of how to pronounce it and what my marital status is.
Actually, I think the OP is doing about right on eye contact. A second is actually a long time to look someone right in the eye without shifting.
Finally, if you are going to hit on women when working behind a counter, please use some modicum of sense. I was practically waving my wedding ring in the face of a bagel guy who kept complimenting me in a creepy kind of way. After a couple of months of it, he finally asked if I was seeing anybody, and I told him I was married. Now he doesn’t talk to me or even look at me.
I didn’t say I wanted it, but it’s a disturbing trend that I’m noticing at many stores; particularly grocery stores. Frankly, I think it’s offensive, and I’d much rather be “ma’am”-ed (which I find much more respectful).
Another obligatory reminder: that you should not have to use the excuse of being married (i.e., you can’t have me because I belong to someone else) to rebuff someone hitting on you. It implies that if not for the current circumstances, you would be willing.
This implication is insulting. If you’re not interested, you’re not interested, and WHY is none 'o their damn business.
I worked at a public library once. Some psych students wanted one of us to touch the patron we were helping for a test of some sort that they were doing. I refused because I thought it extremely rude.
Good point about not having to use the excuse “I’m married.” Although it is an accurate answer to the question actually asked, which was “Are you seeing anyone?” I have also found that in general, it shuts men up faster than most other rejoinders. (Well, there was the one who said, “That’s OK, I prefer married women,” but he was just a weirdo).
Sorry for the hijack; we now return to the regularly scheduled topic.
I’m not very sensitive to any of the behaviors mentioned by the OP, except that “boxing in” would be unnerving in someone like a plumber who comes to my home. But neither would I think that someone was weird or standoffish if he behaved by the rules described.
A number of years ago I saw a TV psychology program which included something similar. At random, the librarian would “accidentally” touch the other person’s fingertips with the back of their own fingers when returning the library card, as if she (in this case) just estimated the distance wrong. People were interviewed afterward about the quality of the service. The people who were touched rated the service better! Of course, times have changed and YMMV.
