I am a graduate student of English Lit. Last year, I was a graduate assistant (I helped students with their papers, basically). This coming year, I will be teaching two sections of English 180.
Most of the other grad students, like myself, are pretty focused on what we’re doing. We keep our heads down, work hard, drink a little on the weekends, and generally have a good time because we are all schoolie nerds who love to talk about books, writing, and teaching.
One of the graduate assistants, however, is Not Nice. This woman is the sort of evil that you mustpity, because it could not possibly have birthed itself. Somewhere along the way, someone hurt her deeply, and it has become her mission to spread seeds of dissension as Christ spread His gospel.
A proper moniker…I will not blight the hamsters by forcing them to spill her unholy name 'crost the aether. Instead, I shall refer to her as the Slop-Legged Whore, or SLW.
Dear SLW.
I don’t understand you. You were one of the first people I got to know when I joined the department. You are an unusually intelligent woman, and I thought you were very nice. You were fun to talk to, and I felt a lot less afraid and lost because you were around.
It was not until later that I realized that your double chin (even though you’re not really fat enough to have one, anymore…you’ve still got one. Eww.) and chicken legs were outer manifestations of your inner corruption. It’s as if your soul warped your flesh, that men might know to shun you. At least it provides us all with some comic relief when we hear you speak of how men adore you, and see the reality of how your pallid flesh makes them cringe. Cringe!
As Shakespeare wrote of you, “I would not tup the knotty-faced maggot-pie of a wench, had I a stolen member and five good servants to do the pushing.”
Anyway, SL-F-W, as I, as we the graduate students, got to know you better, we realized that you are pretty much evil. You lie, lie, lie, lie, lie to the point where Satan charges you royalties on every word you speak you fuckin’ LYING BITCH. You accused “Andy” (not his name) one of my friends and co-workers of being a child molester, with no proof whatsoever. You bad-mouthed me and damn near everyone at work I care about to everyone you possibly could…shit, you talk smack about my friends who you don’t even work with. I can’t bring my buddy to the bar with me because he looks a little funny? I tell you what, girl. “Dan” (not his name) is a little awkward. He is also kind, generous, caring, loving, and fun to have around. I think it would do you good to spend time with him, except that your flesh would probably BURN if it touched his even briefly, and even his endless supply of kindness and patience would be dried up through exposure to SLW’s back-stabbing and lying. He’d probably end up an asshole via osmosis.
That’s the problem. She’s so damn GOOD at lying that she gets us to doubt each other, even now that we know better. For a long time, too many of us put some stock in her tales. However, the SLW’s been spreading herself a bit thin.
One, she was caught backstabbing the one person in the department who still stood up for her.
SLW, “Mandy” (not her name) is probably the nicest person who will ever want to be part of your life. She tolerated your bullshit again and again. I mean, I realize why you hate her…boys want to talk to her and stuff. They don’t want to talk to you because, as we’ve already discussed, the effort of getting past your skank exterior is unrewarding. But she was loyal to you, and you tried to throw her to the wolves. SLW, do you ever look in the mirror in the morning and say to yourself, “I am a nasty, desperate, hateful, lying little imitation of a woman?”
Two. Out of nowhere, you call up Mandy and say, “Hey, I was just talking to one of Coin’s old roommates from undergrad, and he said he used to piss the bed a lot.”
What.
The.
FUCK?!?!
Are we still in high-school, you syphilitic little hemorrhoid? Is this the best you can fuckin’ do, with a college degree from a good school and a year of grad under your belt? Is this seriously the most damaging thing you can make up?
Fortunately, Mandy chose to keep this information mostly to herself, because she has observed that treating Coin with respect and dignity results in likewise treatment, whereas treating SLW this way results in a big ol’ quivering handle sticking out from between your shoulder blades.
Also, she’s not 13.
She did tell Andy, in a “Can you believe what a used douche SLW’s being now?” way, and Andy went to the department head and let her know SLW is guilty of bitchcraft. I have a feeling SLW may be taken less seriously in the future, but I’m still scared of what she could do to our careers with a wrong word in the wrong place.
In conclusion. I do hate you, SLW. I hope that the department heads realize that your vile nature is a trial for us all, and I hope you lose your assistantship. I want to be there the day you’re moving your stuff the fuck OUT. Don’t worry, little girl…I won’t let the door hit you in the backside, and I’ll have a huge, happy grin on my face, mainly because I’ll be fantasizing about the horrible things that I want wild animals to do to you. Many animals, small and large, poisonous and non-poisonous, carnivorous and merely ill-tempered.
If you need something to make rent after you leave us, I’ll be happy to write as many letters of recommendation to bukkake film producers as you need.
